Mother's Day will never be mine...

[Anonymous]

OP- Are you my SIL? This same thing has been an issue in my house the last 4 years (since I've become a mother). MIL announces what the plans will be for Mother's Day every year. SHE decides what SHE wants to do, where SHE wants to do it, what SHE wants to eat. Usually, the plan involves all of us going over to her house (which is not at all child-proofed) and bringing all of the food so she doesn't have to do anything. I don't think it crosses her mind that the day should be shared with my SIL and me too. Last year, DH and his brother tried to plan Mother's Day for all of us. Well she didn't like the plan and instead requested that we go to her house for a meal picked up from KFC (which is the last thing on earth I'd choose to eat!).

Every year, DH swears that he'll stand up to his mother next year and promises we'll spend Mother's Day alone. I'm not holding my breath.

[Anonymous]

OP - I haven't read through all the posts, but do you have a baby? My first Mother's day was all about my MIL. I won't go into the details, but when I told the story to my co-worker (how mean my MIL was to me), my coworker cried. So I have sympathy for you. Its not about having to eat dinner with your MIL, its about her not acknowledging that the day means something to you to - especially if it is your first.

BUT - after your child is no longer a baby, no one can take Mother's day from you. To your child, it is all about HIS mom. So Grandma can do everything she wants to steal your glory, and she won't be able to touch it. At age 4, my son now loves to make me things (a picture, a card) and it is the best feeling. So if we do something at the request of my MIL - so be it - no one can take that handwritten "mommy" away from me.

[Anonymous]

My father was batshit crazy but he was right about one thing - Mother's Day is about doing something special for *your* mother not the mother of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was batshit crazy but he was right about one thing - Mother's Day is about doing something special for *your* mother not the mother of your children.

Ohhh makes total sense. So the mother of your children means nothing. Good advice from a bat shit crazy man!

[Anonymous]

My birthday and mother's day fall on the same day every few years. I do not like this - I feel like I am missing out on a holiday. This year, my cousin is getting married over that weekend out of state. So, no celebration for me this year...again.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem - MIL and ILs closeby, my family in another state. I've never hit it off with the ILs, we just don't have anything in common besides my husband. It is draining being around a group of people you kinda wish you fit in with, but learned not to care about. It just feels like there are a million other things I'd prefer to do, and they are so closed minded and unwordly that it always borders on watching a freakshow/being irritated with what was said/can't wait to rush home and call my Mom to share all the lameness!

Anyway, the past 2 years I managed to book a weekend for us away over the mother's day holiday. Last year it accidently happened, this year I MADE SURE it happened. I feel it is my day, too since I am a Mom. Last year I made sure she got flowers, this year I'm going to leave that up to DH which means its iffy I'll probably remind him. Next year get a nice long weekend away on the Calendar early (January/February) that accidently falls on Mother's Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm glad this topic has sparked so much discussion. I love reading the responses.

The PP who assumed that my MIL is controlling is 100% correct. She is self-absorbed and totally controlling - the opposite of my mother and the mother I intend to be to my children. I remind myself constantly that she always means well, and for that reason, I can take her in small quantities. I don't want this to turn into a MIL thread, just wanted to confirm what some of you have speculated.

Please continue to post - I love hearing your opinions - even if they differ from my perspective.

OP, you state that your MIL is self-absorbed and controlling, but I think that someday when you are her age, you will be the same way. I can tell from reading your responses to the PP's. I feel sorry for you future DIL's. They will have to deal with the same exact thing. Is this what you want?

Your DH is the one who needs to stand up to his MIL and if he does not, then you should seriously take a good hard look at your marriage. I do think, however, that a compromise can be worked out between you and your MIL. Just think....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I haven't read through all the posts, but do you have a baby? My first Mother's day was all about my MIL. I won't go into the details, but when I told the story to my co-worker (how mean my MIL was to me), my coworker cried. So I have sympathy for you. Its not about having to eat dinner with your MIL, its about her not acknowledging that the day means something to you to - especially if it is your first.

BUT - after your child is no longer a baby, no one can take Mother's day from you. To your child, it is all about HIS mom. So Grandma can do everything she wants to steal your glory, and she won't be able to touch it. At age 4, my son now loves to make me things (a picture, a card) and it is the best feeling. So if we do something at the request of my MIL - so be it - no one can take that handwritten "mommy" away from me.

Love this response! Hopefully OP can learning something from this poster...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a similar problem. Her husband always bows to pressure to go to his mom's for Mother's Day. In his family, the men watch TV or go out and the women cook and clean and serve all day, and watch the children. So my sister's mother's day is spent slaving away in the kitchen without a thank-you. It pisses her off. So she hates mother's day. I feel bad for her. (I'm a single mom so I usually take my daughter out to lunch and usually either my ex or his parents buy me a card.)

I hope that on father's day, your sister takes off and lets her husband cook and clean and watch the children all day.

[Anonymous]

I don't get too hung up on specific calendar dates--what's the difference really? Be the bigger person and give this particular Sunday to you MIL, then have "your" day all to yourself either the day before or the following weekend. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Here's how I see Mother's Day, FWIW. It flows up. You honor the mother and mother figure in your life. This is my second Mother's Day this year, but I still honor my mother and my MIL. And then it goes up to you from your child. Your child is too young to do this, so until they can, it falls on your husband to act on your child's behalf. So, in my view, it's shared. You can share this day. Don't make your husband choose. And for god's sake, don't be nit picking on the cuisine. Do two things - one for her and one for you, and recognize that whatever their relationship is, it's Mother's Day for her too.

ditto many times over. OP, you sound WAY too invested in this holiday (and yes, I still ahve little ones so I'm not jaded). Yes, your DH should do somethign nice for you to appreciate you, but he also very much should do the same for his mom. She's his MOM. Mother's day applies to her too. And I'm with the others that don't see why having a dinner her way means the entire rest of the weekend is ruined for you. (I also never celebrate Mother's day w/ my mom on Sunday because it's horrible how jammed the restaurants are - just one day earlier things are nice).

[Anonymous]

Okay OP if your MIL had not made plans first how would you have mapped out the day? It's Mother's Day. Not Mother's EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE Day! Anyway, make it both of yours this year and every year. (As for not wanting to start a MIL thread, how could any post about a MIL not become a MIL thread?)

[Anonymous]

Make a plan for next year. Suggest to DH that you all go out of town if necessary. Did your MIL get to have her day when her children were young? If so, you deserve the same. (One day, your DILs, too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was batshit crazy but he was right about one thing - Mother's Day is about doing something special for *your* mother not the mother of your children.

Sounds like his defense for not doing anything for his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father was batshit crazy but he was right about one thing - Mother's Day is about doing something special for *your* mother not the mother of your children.

Sounds like his defense for not doing anything for his wife?

I thought the same thing.