Dear friend just told me she has had an affair. What advice should I give?

[Anonymous]

"Childhood friend had an affair and yes I judged."

Interesting. I have had people gossiping about me having had an affair -- to father my child, no less! -- for several years now, and I never respond to it. It's not true and it's actually funny. If someone believes that about me w/o bothering to find out the truth then they obviously don't know me at all, and I don't think I need to clarify things for them. You might want to be sure you are correct before you DO judge, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB!!!!

This is not your "affair", and not your business. Nor should she tell her husband about it!
If I judged my good girlfriends on whether or not they've ever had an affair - I would literally have ONE FRIEND! no joke.
While I don't condone affairs, if I had the husbands that some of my friends have - I would have either left or had an affair too!!

Maybe you should start surrounding yourself with better people.

[Anonymous]

What does it mean not to "judge" someone. Learning that someone has had an affair provides additional information about the person, that the person is willing to risk their marriage, and to betray and humiliate his/her spouse and kids, rather than processing their issues in a more direct and transparent way (rather than getting a divorce, attending counseling, etc.). Everyone makes mistakes, and how someone recovers and makes amends may in the end garner more respect. That said, a person's conduct, especially towards those who rely upon him/her the most, is precisely how we make judgments about people. If I learn from a trusted source that someone at work is dishonest, manipulative, or self-absorbed while working on another project, I assess what I've heard and make a judgment, generally to circumvent the person on projects or at least to avoid setting my own team up to be played. Same goes for friends. If someone screws a a friend of mine, I make a "judgment" not to befriend this person, and to limit contact. Everyone can be redeemed in my view, and credibility needs of course to be taken into account, but good grief if someone tells you they had an affair I'd assume they are telling the truth about it. Why shouldn't people make judgments based on it?

[Anonymous]

I think most of the people who like to gossip and judge about someone having an affair is just jealous. Jealous about their shitty relationships and that someone out there is out having better sex and more fun than them so they act sanctimonious.

And for the record, I wouldn't tell any friend to tell their spouse about an affair. You arent in the relationship and have no idea how detremental telling something like that might be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people who like to gossip and judge about someone having an affair is just jealous. Jealous about their shitty relationships and that someone out there is out having better sex and more fun than them so they act sanctimonious.

And for the record, I wouldn't tell any friend to tell their spouse about an affair. You arent in the relationship and have no idea how detremental telling something like that might be.

One of the "judging" PPs here. I am not jealous of anyone having an affair. They seem pathetic, and I don't know anyone who has come out of one the happier for it. I do judge people for their conduct, and subjecting your spouse, your kids, and anyone else who happens to find out about your self-indulgent, dishonest acts is disrespectful to all involved. There is a man in our neighborhood who was having an affair, to everyone's knowledge other than his wife. He was just sick about it, having her over to the house when his wife was away, calling her on his cell in front of neighbors who could easily overhear him speaking to her loudly (twice at parties where his wife was elsewhere at the party). Several of us were just really pissed at him for putting us into that situation. I wanted to vomit whenever he flaunted his illicit private life. Then his wife found out. Initially from a neighbor. The husband first denied everything and only weeks later admitted to it all. What an awful time for the family. Also no fun for the neighbors, on a much, much smaller scale, of course. Just to say that some people drag friends and neighbors into their business, and people who judge these creeps aren't necessarily jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to open up and tell her husband, and than let the two of them decide together what needs to be done next... It's really their issue.. not yours.

Worst advice ever. Sorry. She needs to evaluate the situation, seek counseling, and then decide what course of action to take. Telling her husband is up to her and that is if she ever decides to tell him. While it's hard for some people to understand,telling only relieves the guilt of the person that told and it could mean the end of the marriage, even if it was just one indiscretion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no chance I am telling anyone if/when I have an affair. Dumb move.

You are not alone. It's obvious from reading the news and the DCUM forum postings that others feel as you do--that it's acceptable to be dishonest and deceiptful in relationships by actively participating in adultery and then giving themselves permission to continue the secrecy afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of the people who like to gossip and judge about someone having an affair is just jealous. Jealous about their shitty relationships and that someone out there is out having better sex and more fun than them so they act sanctimonious.

And for the record, I wouldn't tell any friend to tell their spouse about an affair. You arent in the relationship and have no idea how detremental telling something like that might be.

Affairs are devastating. Devastating. That's why they are taboo -- not because people don't want others to have better sex. (!!) Affairs rip people apart. I would never want to be in that situation. Jealous? You are out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I found out that my friend had an affair, I didn't really say anything. I listened to her when she needed to talk, I didn't judge, and I didn't offer much advice. I'd just lie low and stay out of it. Be there for her, but really most of the time our friends just need someone to listen.

Good advice.

A really good and true friend isn't being judgmental to give an honest opinion. To go through life behaving badly and not having a really close friend to call you on that behavior is a recipe for disaster. Encouragement and support are important, but honesty and integrity are also important.

I totally agree with this. Friends should call you on your bad behavior, too - or they aren't true friends.

this is very true of many things, but an affair? Don't you think she already feels badly? Having someone say, 'an affair is wrong and can wreck a family' is insipid. Not to mention, while an affair is never right, one never knows what goes on in a marriage, no matter how close you are to the couple. I think the listening route and promoting counseling is the best road. She has to find out why she did it first. She can then decide if/when to tell her DH.

She told OP because she needed a friend. Shutting that out will only isolate her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I found out that my friend had an affair, I didn't really say anything. I listened to her when she needed to talk, I didn't judge, and I didn't offer much advice. I'd just lie low and stay out of it. Be there for her, but really most of the time our friends just need someone to listen.

Good advice.

A really good and true friend isn't being judgmental to give an honest opinion. To go through life behaving badly and not having a really close friend to call you on that behavior is a recipe for disaster. Encouragement and support are important, but honesty and integrity are also important.

I totally agree with this. Friends should call you on your bad behavior, too - or they aren't true friends.

this is very true of many things, but an affair? Don't you think she already feels badly? Having someone say, 'an affair is wrong and can wreck a family' is insipid. Not to mention, while an affair is never right, one never knows w
hat goes on in a marriage, no matter how close you are to the couple. I think the listening route and promoting counseling is the best road. She has to find out why she did it first. She can then decide if/when to tell her DH. She told OP because she needed a friend. Shutting that out will only isolate her more.

There are serious consequences for having an affair. No way around it for her.