Dear friend just told me she has had an affair. What advice should I give?

[Anonymous]

MYOB!!!!

This is not your "affair", and not your business. Nor should she tell her husband about it!
If I judged my good girlfriends on whether or not they've ever had an affair - I would literally have ONE FRIEND! no joke.
While I don't condone affairs, if I had the husbands that some of my friends have - I would have either left or had an affair too!!

[Anonymous]

What advice is there to give? She had an affair. It's between her and her husband. What advice other than "go to counseling" that you've already stated is even appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB!!!!

This is not your "affair", and not your business. Nor should she tell her husband about it!
If I judged my good girlfriends on whether or not they've ever had an affair - I would literally have ONE FRIEND! no joke.
While I don't condone affairs, if I had the husbands that some of my friends have - I would have either left or had an affair too!!

So, what I've taken away from reading DCUM today: It's okay to judge and decide not to be friends with someone because of what they do for work, but it's completely acceptable to befriend a bunch of cheating whores..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I found out that my friend had an affair, I didn't really say anything. I listened to her when she needed to talk, I didn't judge, and I didn't offer much advice. I'd just lie low and stay out of it. Be there for her, but really most of the time our friends just need someone to listen.

Completely agree with 21:43. I have a friend who just ended a long term affair. While I am relieved it ended, I have never told her that. Even if she asked, I think I would have been fairly opaque in responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Not clear here. The affair is over. You told her to get therapy. What other advice is there to give?

If she asks if you think she should tell her husband, I would tell her that is her call and not get involved.

I agree, lots of details!

Agree. The therapy advice was dead on, but I'd leave it at that. Beware. One of the fun aspects of having an affair is talking about it after wards. Even though the affair is over, she may still be getting a jolt from talking about it with you. If she keeps sharing, remind her to seek the help of a counselor.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same position two years ago. My bf told me she had had an affair and just wanted to talk. She knew it was wrong, I gently confirmed it but I did not give her advice regarding whether to tell the husband or not. and reiterated that it was her decision to make, not mine. I did encourage her to get counseling and I also told her to avoid the other man. She had other issues, as most people do that have affairs, so I made sure to be there for her whenever she needed me.

She never did tell him. It ended up affecting the relationship in other ways, though, and they are now undergoing a divorce.

[Anonymous]

no chance I am telling anyone if/when I have an affair. Dumb move.

[Anonymous]

Some of the responses on this thread so far are so weird. OP, it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing. No point in telling her that she screwed up, it sounds like she knows that and is already upset. Listen to her, be there for her but no need to give her any kind of advice. And obviously, do not tell anyone else or the husband but I don't think you had any notion to do that (despite what some crazy PPs have suggested). I think the recommendation for counseling is a good one. I'd just listen and be there for her without reproach (since it sounds like she is already remorseful) and avoid too much direct advice since it sounds like you haven't been there.

If she asks you for advice on whether to tell the husband, I think everyone is different on whether they would want to be told or not. See some of Carolyn Hax's discussions in the Post for more elaborate discussion on this but there are two very distinct camps on the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very close to her, not as much to him, but we do activities together, DC are in 2nd grade together, and we run in the same social circle. We are also members of the same pool, and I think the man she had the affair with belongs to the pool. I am clearly not breathing a word to anyone, but I want her to be happy, but get help. She just told me, and I told her that they should be in counseling (regardless of if she decides to tell him about the affair) and that she should get individual therapy. I'm not going to lay out too many specifics, but would appreciate any good-hearted pieces of advice for a friend in trouble. She has said that the affair lasted about 4 months, but it is totally over.

Unless she asked for advice, none. Also do not judge her.

[Anonymous]

For all of you who say don't judge...why? Is there nothing that is right and wrong in your eyes? Is there no such thing as morality? Do you teach your child that there is no right and wrong, that people should do whatever they want regardless of how it impacts others? Is someone was sleeping with your spouse, would you also not judge?

[Anonymous]

I totally agree 14:21 and was about to post the exact same thing. You better believe I'd judge someone who had an affair. If you don't want to be married anymore, leave the relationship (caveat - as long as it's safe for you to do so and you're not in a violent relationship). But for people to say, oh my gosh, whatever you do, don't judge this woman - that's just crazy.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the "do not judge her" thing either. One thing people who have affairs do -- and should -- suffer with is losing respect in the eyes of others. It's a fact of life that people judge each other and in this case, it makes sense to do so. That doesn't mean don't be her friend anymore -- she is a human being therefore it goes without saying she is flawed and will make mistakes -- but giving her the chance to learn and grow from her mistakes is not the same as saying you'll always withhold judgment no matter what she does.

[Anonymous]

A childhood friend had an affair and yes I judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB!!!!

This is not your "affair", and not your business. Nor should she tell her husband about it!
If I judged my good girlfriends on whether or not they've ever had an affair - I would literally have ONE FRIEND! no joke.
While I don't condone affairs, if I had the husbands that some of my friends have - I would have either left or had an affair too!!

So, what I've taken away from reading DCUM today: It's okay to judge and decide not to be friends with someone because of what they do for work, but it's completely acceptable to befriend a bunch of cheating whores..

Actually, I'm one of the few on this board that has never judged anyone by what they do for a living, which political party they belong to or which religion they practice!
Tons of here do, but not me.

So I stand by my statement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB!!!!

This is not your "affair", and not your business. Nor should she tell her husband about it!
If I judged my good girlfriends on whether or not they've ever had an affair - I would literally have ONE FRIEND! no joke.
While I don't condone affairs, if I had the husbands that some of my friends have - I would have either left or had an affair too!!

So, what I've taken away from reading DCUM today: It's okay to judge and decide not to be friends with someone because of what they do for work, but it's completely acceptable to befriend a bunch of cheating whores..

Actually, I'm one of the few on this board that has never judged anyone by what they do for a living, which political party they belong to or which religion they practice!
Tons of here do, but not me.

So I stand by my statement

Wow... well... congrats on your non-judgemental self.. all of us bitches who tend to keep friends with similar ethical and moral beliefs should really bow to you.