how to avoid raising spoiled children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I have a Ph.D. Am I wasting my skills by staying home with my kids? Just wondering, PP."

I'll answer it - probably yes.

Oh come on. The posters that commented on this discussion seem to think that you are never going to work again or resume your career. That society is going to permanently lose their investment in you just because you spend a few years at home. What is so wrong about giving your children the right start by being with them when they are young, defenseless and impressionable? I think giving your children your full time care when they are at their most vulnerable (0 - school age) is the most important job you can do. When I see these posters agonizing over organic meat and milk, and vaccinations, I think some of them are missing the point - YOU are the most important ingredient to your child's health, well-being and behavior and no one that you hire is going to do it as well as you.

I'm sure I'll get flamed all over the place, and I've seen the posts by the women that are GLAD to go work instead of getting to know their toddlers well enough to enjoy them, but I have to tell you - I would give EVERYTHING to have those years back again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I must have missed where she said she was a neurophysicist.

I don't think I was reading too much between the lines -- perhaps not a neurophysicist, but she did say PhD funded by federal research grants (not just loans). So I'm assuming she's pretty specialized. I'd agree with you on the lawyer front. I'm a lawyer doing deals for big companies. I could deploy the same skill set for a non-profit, and a good chunk of my skillset probably helping girl scouts with mature problem solving, critical thinking, etc. Much more generic skills. At the moment I am WOHM, but seriously considering dramatic reduction in hours.

[Anonymous]

"I would give EVERYTHING to have those years back again."

Different strokes for different folks. I would HATE to relive the infant/toddler years b/c they were PURE hell, as far as I am concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: why would I employ a PhD to waste her skills watching my kids?

Anonymous wrote:

I have a Ph.D. Am I wasting my skills by staying home with my kids? Just wondering, PP.

I hate to hijack an otherwise useful thread, but I can't help myself from rising to the bait. I'm the original "Why would I employ a PhD ..." writer, and unless your PhD is in raising children, then yes, I think you're wasting your skills. My "proof" is that lots of children of parents without PhDs (e.g. myself) grow up to get them and/or other advanced degrees, so it doesn't take a lot of education to raise a well educated kid. And thank goodness or there'd be no upward mobility in our country. Whereas presumably there are jobs requiring the specific skills you acquired in school that couldn't be done by someone without a PhD. My PhD came with substantial public investment in the form of federal research grants. It would seem a rather selfish contribution to our society to devote my attention solely to my own children in return. Plus, as a woman, I hate the attitude from colleagues that women aren't good hires because they're likely to drop out of the workforce to care for their children. But who can blame them for this attitude, when it's true? Well educated women who stay home with their children deprive society of their skills and they encourage the attitudes that lead to workplace discrimination.

I'm the poster who asked if you think I'm wasting my skills by staying home. My was not funded through federal research grants. It's in psychology, not in child rearing, but I believe the degree is pretty relevant to raising well-adjusted children. I understand your point. Perhaps it is a waste, in some ways. My family doesn't think so right now, however, and that's the ultimate arbiter for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sure I'll get flamed all over the place, and I've seen the posts by the women that are GLAD to go work instead of getting to know their toddlers well enough to enjoy them, but I have to tell you - I would give EVERYTHING to have those years back again.

I agree somewhat with your post-that parents are really the most important facet of a child's life. I don't agree with the above comment-many women, including myself-can afford to stay home financially but choose to work-I'm a better parent because I have something going on in my life that isn't parenting. I can't imagine spending every waking moment with my child, whom I love dearly-I'd lose my mind. And I know my toddler inside and out-work doesn't prevent me from understanding him. If I were home all day-he'd be unhappy and I'd be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

To the 1300 poster with the 5 year old. I think there are a mixture of parenting techniques to apply. This is how we handle our almost 5 year old:

1) If you cut in line, you go to the back of the line. If you grab a toy, you lose the toy and do a timeout. We also teach our child techniques how to deal with situations, "if you want the toy that Johnny is playing with then why don't you offer a different toy in exchange or ask him if he'll take turns. How do you feel when someone grabs a toy out of your hand (or cuts in front of you)? I bet you don't like that." "If Johnny doesn't want to share the toy, then let's find something else to do."
2) If you don't use the word please with your request, we don't hear you -- no it doesn't help them internalize compassion, but it makes manners second nature. I also praise my kids when they say "May I please xyz".
3) No tolerance for back talk (to mom, dad, teacher, etc). My husband is a big proponent of this rule and we've really made a point of enforcing this recently. I wish we'd started earlier.
4) Show and discuss how people are nicer to you and more likely to go along with what you want when you treat them nicely and use good manners. We have a younger son, who provides us with tons of wonderful learning opportunities to teach this point with our older son -- i.e., he really is more likely to share a toy or play a game with his older brother when the older brother is polite. Explain that sometimes not everyone wants to do the same thing and that that is okay.
5) Grow a garden or get a pet so that you can start to learn the rewards of caring for another living object. We let our kids plant sunflower and carrot seeds and they love checking on their progress and watering them when needed. We also have a cat and let the kids help us care for it -- for example they are responsible for giving him a few treats in the morning.
6) Get kids involved in helping other people -- even if it is just coloring a picture to give to someone who is sick, or picking up your neighbor's mail. Praise them for being so helpful and explain how their actions have helped to make other people happy.
7) Give kids chores -- try to have everyone do chores at the same time and then explain how this helps to get things done more quickly so that mom and dad have more time to play and do fun things with the kids. Also explain how we are each part of the household/community and are expected to contribute to the household/community (i.e., do chores, pay taxes, volunteer, etc).

My children certainly are not perfect, but I hope others find these ideas helpful or even have additional suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Well, Some ways to avoid raising spoiled kids:

Be an outwardly-turned person who pays attention to the needs of others. Throw out the catalogues. Don't impulse shop. Model the behavior you want to see in your children.

And (this is a reference to the endless tirade on the past few pages) - if you act like a narcissist you will probably raise one.

[Anonymous]

Love it! (PP). I am reading "Too Much of a Good Thing; Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age" By Dan Kindlon, PhD. Worth picking up (paperback).

[Anonymous]

Agree with the 5 year old poster list. A couple of other things we do:

1) talk about the kids at school, talk about the child that is really shy/no one plays with and try to get your child to feel what that must feel like (empathy) and see what happens. For us, our really outgoing son has engaged a little boy that is having some serious shy/friend issues, it has been great for both of them

2) when you see an ambulance we talk about someone being hurt and we say a prayer (you could just send good thoughts, whatever works for your religion)

3) we donate clothes/toys to charity and most importantly, the children come with me for the drop off. As they get older, I want to do some play date and other activities at the women's shelter, and really get them involved in helping others (and seeing that others are not as fortunate as they are at this time)

4) Talk about a budget, we do-- we are wealthy, and we are not going to be able to hide our home or vacation choices, but we talk about the money we give to charity, that we budget so much for clothes, for toys, etc (for mommy and daddy too) and we have to live within those limits.

5) We talk about things that cost money that they might not think of (their preschool, for example) not to worry or shame them but so that they know how many things take money. Conversely, we made a list the other day of things that don't cost money, or are very low cost and fun. That was a great exercise for me and the kids (walks, zoo, ice cream cone, running through the sprinkler, having friends over, coloring, etc.)

My husband and I grew up middle to lower middle class in terms of income (rich in terms of education and friends). We feel very strongly about not raising entitled children. Good luck to us all!

[Anonymous]

7:489 - Thanks for the reference. Another good one is "Blessings of a Skinned Knee" - can't remember the author. It is a very Jewish book, but you can just ignore the last chapter if it is not appropriate.

My favorite chapter is about the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination, but also kinda like passion or drive). She suggests exploring the thing you like least about your child - and then searching for ways to channel the energy the child exhibits "there" into more productive and positive expressions. (For example, give your bossy child a management responsibility - maybe reading the map, or deciding where the flowers go... whatever makes sense in your context). She says it better.