how to avoid raising spoiled children

[Anonymous]

I think the 9:38 poster mixes up two things. Yes, we need to treat our children to be respectful but no, this does not mean you need a nanny with the same education you have. I have a PhD and I use those skills at my job every day -- why would I employ a PhD to waste her skills watching my kids? Instead, I employ someone who likes working with kids, but who lacks formal education. I treat her with respect, and I expect my kids to do so too. She has plenty of good life skills to teach my children, including the value of a good education, which certainly she aspires to for her own children although she didn't get one herself.

To the original point though, I explain to the nanny that she is not to tolerate bad behavior or disrespect, that treats are to be treats and not everyday things, and that the children should be taught to pick up their own toys and not consider her their servant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letting your child know from day one that they are not the head of the household and that they are merely a member of the family. We knew fully well growing up that our parents were in charge and we were just members of the household with our own set of responsibility. So many kids now rule their home, boss their parents and truly believe it's all about them. That's where the spoiling starts. IMHO, you're doing such a great disservice to your child but setting them up to fail in school and later in career, because most people in this world will spend their lives not being supreme ruler.

There is a middle ground here. No, not "supreme ruler" but not "merely" member of a family either. Membership in a family is a precious thing. Just as my child will grow to understand that families are about balancing everyone's needs, I need to consistently show him that I will take his needs and desires into account too, even if he can't always get everything he wants. I don't think I need to "show him who's boss" for him to develop a healthy respect for other people and avoid becoming spoiled.

[Anonymous]

This is a big worry for me. My husband is very wealthy-but you'd never know we had money. I grew up with a single parent, and he grew up in the Phillipines until the age of 9. As a child, my mom watched every penny-she's a great money manager. She's now in her 60s, retired, and very well off. Pretty amazing considering after my parents split-she had to waitress (she was a SAHM before the divorce) for many many years. My husband got socks for Xmas-had teeth pulled instead of having a cavity filled-and never went on a family vacation. His father had a whole different life with someone else-gave his children absolutely nothing. My husband is fanatical about saving money-he can hold $200K in his hands and not take a cent for himself-straight into savings. Our home is small, enough for the 3 of us, extremely nice neighborhood but we have the smallest house. It's our home and we love it.

I never want our son to know how much his father is worth. He needs to learn how to make his own way. He's lucky that he has the father he has-because he'll be taught good money management, the stock market and how to invest, make good and well thought out decisions. I don't want him to think he'll be rich when daddy isn't around any longer and I definitely don't want him to talk about it with other children.

When we go to Target-I don't buy toys. I don't want to be nagged to buy something every time we're in store. He'll have specific chores, as we did when we were children, and save his money for things he wants to buy. We will not tolerate disrespectful behavior, at all-to us or anyone else. I've told his grandmas and our nanny that they can discipline him.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is from a very large, very well off family. The children never knew their parents had money, it just wasn't talked about. The family owned several businesses, and everyone worked in them. The parents drove old cars, and taught all the kids how to manage money, and to save. When the last child was out of college, they splurged and purchased two brand new cars, a BMW and a Mercedez. Their children were shocked to discover they were able to do this.

My SIL and her siblings have all become very successful, well adjusted, normal people. Not one of them feels entitled, and not one of them is spoiled. My brother and his wife have taken this approach to raising their own children, and it is pretty sad that not all of my SILs siblings have done the same. She has some pretty spoiled nieces and nephews.

The other part, is to often say no. Children do not become spoiled if they don't receive everything their little hearts desire.

I also agree with the poster who said that children should know, from day one, that they are not in charge. They aren't the bosses of the household, they are members of a family, big difference.

[Anonymous]

I have a problem that no one has talked about so far, which is, I do believe my 5 yr old son is spoiled. And fairly bratty. He attempts to be the Emperor of the house.

I think this goes beyond possessions, as many of you have pointed out. We're somewhere in the middle of the pack, stuff-wise.

But back to DS's worldview. While I certainly try to teach manners, compassion, respect for others, etc., I think at some point in childhood, your kids are going to be who they are going to be. I honestly believe that DS is going to be one of these people who cuts in line and merges at the last second on the highway instead of rolling along with the others during rush hour.

****Does anyone here have real, concrete advice on getting your children to INTERNALIZE care and compassion and (only when appropriate), deference? ***

I'm not talking about mouthing off = no TV. I do believe that "works" in the short term, but doesn't teach what I want to convey.

[Anonymous]

Also, don't be afraid to include your kids in discussions about budgeting, costs, etc. where appropriate. Not "here is how much mommy and daddy make," but have them participate in choice-making, even for little things. "We have $50 to spend at target today" and go from there... or whatever...

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to sound snarky or harsh... but if you believe your 5 year old is spoiled... the solution is to stop spoiling him. ("brattiness" is a different characteristic, but often goes hand in hand). That is totally within your control, and the answer is simple (although not always easy). Stop buying him stuff. If he demands your attention, tell him he has to wait.

As for the brattiness/lack of compassion -- it is my experience that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. I'm not trying to point the finger at YOU, but I think I know VERY FEW bratty kids who come from nice parents. Is it possible your son is picking up on how you or your husband act in certain situations? Telling him to have compassion for others isn't going to help if his parents flip people off, cut in line, speak rudely to others, or do other non-compassionate things.

[Anonymous]

To the 13:00: I try to talk about how our actions make other people feel with my daughter. I think that a lot of it is just personality and life experience.

My mother is one of the most inconsiderate, self-centered people I know, so I often wonder how I ended up thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

Hi, PP with the spoiled kid here. I agree with the apple/tree thing. My husband is kind of a jerk and communicates like a jerk.

Luckily, he's not around much! due to his Important, Demanding job (which, what do you know, rewards people who act like self-centered jerks. I am not a saint, but let's say I try harder to model thoughtfulness in all the little ways. But I will try harder to demonstrate compassion, thanks for the reminder.

I think 13:10 is fortunate and probably subconsciously promised him/herself that s/he would not turn out like Mom.

But I do very much think that a sizeable chunk of our personalities is inheritable, and I'm depressed that my son is turning out like his dad in the Me-First trait.
(has been like this since birth, for any doubters out there. Complex speech ability just puts a whole new coat of paint on it, that's all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't mean to sound snarky or harsh... but if you believe your 5 year old is spoiled... the solution is to stop spoiling him. ("brattiness" is a different characteristic, but often goes hand in hand). That is totally within your control, and the answer is simple (although not always easy). Stop buying him stuff. If he demands your attention, tell him he has to wait.

As for the brattiness/lack of compassion -- it is my experience that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. I'm not trying to point the finger at YOU, but I think I know VERY FEW bratty kids who come from nice parents. Is it possible your son is picking up on how you or your husband act in certain situations? Telling him to have compassion for others isn't going to help if his parents flip people off, cut in line, speak rudely to others, or do other non-compassionate things.

I'm not the PP with the 5 year old, but it feels like you didn't read her post. I cannot imagine after reading her post that she is the bratty mom setting a bad example for her child. She's too aware, and frankly seems more sophisticated than many parents in realizing that ultimately the motivation to be a nice guy must be internal and not reward-based (or punishment-avoidance-based).

To the PP-with-5-year-old: Is he just being a five year old? Or does he truly seem outside the boundaries of what's developmentally normal at around that age? I'd say keep setting the example and have some faith that by modeling compassion etc he'll get there. Point out how his behavior affects his peers -- help him learn to look for and notice other people's feelings. For some more concrete techniques about how to discuss needs/wants and help him develop problem solving skills that include considering the feelings and needs of other people, do some reading on non-violent communication. There's a real short book by Inbal Kashtan that's directed to parenting.

[Anonymous]

Ah, just read your post about your husband so now there is more context. Please don't assume your kid is genetically destined to be a jerk -- it will get in the way of your parenting. Try to look at it this way -- his innate temperment can be harnessed for Good or Evil! What are the upsides of his personality? Confidence? Assertiveness? Allow those things to flourish and help him with the skills he needs to work on, like empathy. Also -- TALK to your husband about the example he's setting. Work on your ability to communicate with your husband with as much empathy as you can muster for him, too.

[Anonymous]

I too have a self-centered, mean mom. I like to think that now, at 30+, I'm kinder and more generous and more empathetic than the average adult. But as a teen, whoa, was I a bitch. I was mimicking my mom. It was only as I got away from her that I started to realize I had a second parent to model my behavior on-- sweet, kind, easy-going Dad. Now, when I'm tempted to be nasty for no reason, I simultanously remember how my mom made me feel, and how my dad would handle these things. Which grown-up do I want to be? It's a daily struggle.

So for the spoiled 5-year-old. Perhaps when dad's jerkiness is directed at the boy, you can later ask him "how did that make you feel?" Try to get him to reflect on the fact that our actions have consequences for others. And keep modeling good behavior, even when it's hard. He might go through a bad patch (or decade), but you can hope that when the time comes to be who he's going to be, he'll remember that you were able to be kind without being a doormat. (Cause I bet that his dad equates kindness with weakness. I know the personality well.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the 9:38 poster mixes up two things. Yes, we need to treat our children to be respectful but no, this does not mean you need a nanny with the same education you have. I have a PhD and I use those skills at my job every day -- why would I employ a PhD to waste her skills watching my kids? Instead, I employ someone who likes working with kids, but who lacks formal education. I treat her with respect, and I expect my kids to do so too. She has plenty of good life skills to teach my children, including the value of a good education, which certainly she aspires to for her own children although she didn't get one herself.

To the original point though, I explain to the nanny that she is not to tolerate bad behavior or disrespect, that treats are to be treats and not everyday things, and that the children should be taught to pick up their own toys and not consider her their servant.

I have a Ph.D. Am I wasting my skills by staying home with my kids? Just wondering, PP.

[Anonymous]

Try the book NO: Why Kids--of All Ages--Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh. It has a lot of good advice that goes to what the OP is after.

As far as entitlement, kids will mimic what they see in their parents and in their peers, as well as other significant figures in their immediate environment. In this area, entitlement seems endemic, so raising children to not be completely self-centered is a bit more challenging than in some other areas.

[Anonymous]

I'm the (first) 13:10 poster, and like I said, I really wasn't trying to point the finger at Mom here. With your further explanation, I suspect Dad is the problem. I would address it on two fronts: 1) I'd talk to your husband about watching his behavior in front of his son. (Better yet, I'd tell him I didn't like it and I'd rather he work on it altogether!). 2) When you see your husband acting in a self-centered way (in front of your son), either raise it immediately (with both present -- e.g., "DH, I know you're frustrated, but there is absolutely no need to yell at the repairman's secretary. She has no control over his schedule and was just calling to relay a message), or raise it later with your son privately (DS, when Daddy yelled at that woman on the phone, do you know why he did that? He was frustrated, but that doesn't make it OK to yell...)

That's how I'd address it. But I really do think this behavior is LEARNED... not genetically predisposed. You can still work on it with your son.