how to avoid raising spoiled children

[Anonymous]

So, two posts in the last week or two (the one on bratty Bethesdans and the one on spending pocket money) got me thinking -- how are we going to raise our kids not to be spoiled brats? I'm not worried so much about the brattiness -- I feel qualified to quash disrespect in the bud. But I'm not so sure about what to do about that sense of entitlement or spoiledness. I'll be honest; my family is rich. We have way more money than either my husband's parents or my parents had when we were kids. We live in a nicer house, take nicer vacations, have nicer furniture... But we still value hard work and a level of frugality (I clip grocery coupons in the Sunday paper and go to Costco for diapers and buy my clothes on sale or at discount shops) as well as wanting our children to see people for their inner strengths and not their material possessions. Is it enough to just be good role models (explain about prices in stores, tell kids that some things are too expensive, etc)? My 5 year old clearly understands sharing but not the value of money (he's been stuffing money in his brother's piggybank and says things like, "If that breaks we can always buy a new one."). Am open to ideas...

[Anonymous]

I think start with teaching them about charity. Have them pick through their own toys and take them with you to donate. Have them volunteer at age appropriate locations. Make them earn their spending money by doing chores. Don't buy them whatever they want and if they want it enough they'll have to learn to save. For one of your vacations, take them somewhere they can learn about how "the other half" live. I spent alot of time in third world countries growing up and it was a very vivid example of how truly privileged we are.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. My DS just turned 2 and the amount of toys he got from family is crazy.

I want to allow my mom to be a grand parent - but my DS thinks that every time he sees her that he should get a present. My husband and I decided that to start cutting down on toys when people ask what my children want for birthdays/christmas, we will respond with clothing or books. This way we can control the amount of stuff a little bit more.

We also have decided that just because our children likes something at a friends or at school we do not need to get it in the house. (This is a lesson learned from year 1).

As my child gets older, I believe it is important to have enough stuff but not too much that if something was lost, you would not realize it. I have heard what the lost and founds look like at some of the affluent schools. I believe that the only way you would not realize that you misplaced your winter jacket is that you had other things to wear.

We live in an older home with small closets so some of the clothing issues will be managed for us because we will not have unlimited space to put things.

[Anonymous]

I know a friend who her and her daughter participate with this org that is for moms and daughters to help with charities (she doesn't live in DC)- there is no base in DC yet but maybe we can get some momentum here? If you have the time or interest, please start this.. I am working p/t and Dh is out of a job so things are tough and tight- i mgiht be going back to work f/t.. I sent an email asking to please try to start this in DC..
https://www.nationalcharityleague.org/

[Anonymous]

thoughful interesting post...thanks

[Anonymous]

Does anyone feel that the entitled kids will get ahead because they are more demanding and difficult? I sometimes wonder if the nice ones finish last. I know that several times, when I need to deal with customer service, it isn't until I become rude that I get results. Just the other day, I called Comcast for a cable issue and was super nice...it got me nowhere. But when I put my foot down and changed my tone of voice, I was able to get action.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to know when to be assertive to get what you want.. so nice kids may lose on some- win on others.. same as entitled ones with attitude..

[Anonymous]

My parents had more money than they expected, and they let us know that we were not going to be spoiled. They went too far. I left high school with one sweater, and two pairs of pants. When I went to college in 1979, I felt poor. I thought that the plumber's son was richer than we were because he had a stereo system. All the while, my father's income was about 270K, which was a secret that my parents kept very well. That is messed up. I never stopped obsessing about money. My friends thought I was nuts.
OP, do not over do it. You never know, you may not be as well off as you think. Give the kids what you can, but make sure they need it. Don't be unrealistic as my parents were.

[Anonymous]

I have to laugh at PP's post (although I feel your pain), it sounds a little bit like my house (although admittedly, I had more than 2 pairs of pants in H.S.). And while I agree that might be overdoing it... I'm glad my Dad never told me what he was making, and I'm glad my parents taught me to do with less than my friends.

I can relate to the OP too, although in a slightly different way. Both of my parents grew up in very lower/middle class environments. They had enough food on the table, but not excess. My mom remembers eating fast so she could have seconds before they were all gone. Both of their parents had very modest jobs (school teacher, conductor).

My parents both worked very hard, and were very successful in school. My father went on to become a very successful lawyer (but it wasn't until his late 30s that he started making more money). I think the frugality that they grew up with never left them. We had a nice house (but nothing crazy), yearly vacations (most years closer to home (lake, beach, etc.) and occasionally Europe when we got older). We have the OLDEST TV set in the entire world. We always had plenty to eat, but steak was a once-a month type treat. Although we lived in a wealthy suburb where lots of kids got cars for their 16th birthdays... we knew better than to even ask! It caused some tears and heartache... I remember my sister especially, had some very wealthy friends who ALL had beautiful clothes, cars, etc... It can be hard being the only kid without. But she is the most grounded, wonderful person today (a social worker if you can believe it).

I'd like to think that my parents (and their parents before them) raised me in a way that does not promote being spoiled. Certainly, low income kids can be spoiled too, but I think its more likely when you have more disposable income. "Spoiled" comes from getting whatever you want whenever you want, without working for it. For a toddler, it might meaning ALWAYS getting Mommy's immediate attention and never being told to wait while Mommy finishes her conversation. For a 10 year old it might mean getting a new toy whenever he's at the toy store because Daddy doesn't know how to say "no." For the teenage girl, it might mean getting a bigger allowance so she can pick out a new wardrobe each year, or a new cellphone.

To this day, I am uncomfortable with those who spend a lot of money. I know this is judgmental, but its how I was raised. When I see someone driving a fancy car, I always think of my Dad, who says "a car needs to get you from point A to point B, nothing more". That said, I really enjoy my Honda Odyssey (far from a luxury vehicle, but certainly a "better" mini-van) and I love the seat warmers! We recently were house hunting, for our "permanent" home (for the next 20 years). I bought one in a very nice neighborhood, with everything I want... but its no mansion. We could've afforded a bigger, nicer house, but why? We don't need that. I don't think I even want that.

I'm rambling. I guess my plan is to make sure I distinguish between my children's needs and wants. I may change my tune when they are older, but I don't plan on giving them cell phones... ever. I don't plan on giving them a car. I intend to make them wear hand-me-downs when possible. I will try to take "nice" vacations with them, because its something I value as a treat.

My Mom was the QUEEN of saying "no". I never asked her for candy at the supermarket, toys at the toy store, or other things, because I knew what the answer would be. As much as I love my children, I tell them "no" all the time. My little one (who is just starting to talk), has a sweet tooth, and BEGS for dessert halfway through dinner every night (God help me, "dessert" was one of his first words!). The answer is "no". He pitches a fit, and I tell him all about how sorry I am that he's so sad... and I walk away. The answer is still "no". Get used to some tears!

I guess my feeling is, I kind of doubt that your kids are going to be spoiled OP. Some parents are just more aware of this issue than others. I think its great that you have more financial stability than your parents (just as I do, and my parents had more than THEIR parents). I was always warned to live comfortably within my means, and I take that very seriously. We don't spend lavishly, even though we could. And, I think another thing to think about it... its much more pleasant to live a nicer lifestyle than your parents, than the reverse. If you grew up used to vacations in Bora Bora, lobster for dinner, and Versace clothes... you might have a very rude awakening when you set out on your own and realize your teacher's salary will barely cover your gas to Ocean City. So, I think you're doing your kids a great service by living a comfortable, but modest lifestyle. When they learn they can be happy without certain material goods, it frees them up to pick a career they enjoy (instead of one that will accomodate their lifestyle).

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes say no to relatively minor requests just to establish you don't get everything you want. I often follow up the no with "we have to save money for college." I could buy my dd a $3 Odawalla OJ everytime we go by a Starbucks, but I'd rather her learn restraint and get the message that money doesn't grow on trees.

PP made some good points. I think if you check your own participation in the "consume, consume, consume" culture, your kids will pick up your habits.

[Anonymous]

8:05 - what a thoughtful post. I agree with you on many of these things.

My mom grew up during the Depression. Her father died, leaving her mom with 8 kids to raise alone. That was true poverty. My parents made a nice living, but we were never given a lot and were taught to value what we had. But while we were never given clothes (just the cheapest stuff from Penneys - which led to lots of teasing at school), we were always given experiences, like trips to Europe during high school. We also all received quality educations at private schools. Everything was designed to improve our futures and leave us well-positioned as adults.

My DS's preschool is full of second families with multiple homes in vacation places. Some of the kids live in mansions and wear Burberry. It is hard for me not to be an "anti-snob" about them. Some of it may be intimidation - I feel so "ordinary" and provincial. But at the same time, I view excessive consumption as a sign of lack of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As my child gets older, I believe it is important to have enough stuff but not too much that if something was lost, you would not realize it. I have heard what the lost and founds look like at some of the affluent schools. I believe that the only way you would not realize that you misplaced your winter jacket is that you had other things to wear.

We live in an older home with small closets so some of the clothing issues will be managed for us because we will not have unlimited space to put things.

That's an interesting point about not realizing when you've lost something. I'll have to remember that.

[Anonymous]

Also OP, the kids I worry about are the ones whose parent s do not have money, but are given everything. That is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Letting your child know from day one that they are not the head of the household and that they are merely a member of the family. We knew fully well growing up that our parents were in charge and we were just members of the household with our own set of responsibility. So many kids now rule their home, boss their parents and truly believe it's all about them. That's where the spoiling starts. IMHO, you're doing such a great disservice to your child but setting them up to fail in school and later in career, because most people in this world will spend their lives not being supreme ruler.

[Anonymous]

I think that how you treat your children is the single most important indicator of how they are going to treat other people. If you are respectful with them, then they will be respectful towards other people. You have to set the example and I'm sorry to say that alot of children are left with people during the day that do not share the same values that the parents do.

Why, if you work so hard to provide a good neighborhood and a nice home would you leave your child with someone who does not have the same goals and education that you do? ALL those hours and hours learning from someone that you (from your nanny posts) don't know that well?