DH does NOT want to fill out an adoption reference form for his brother- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I helped block a friend from the police academy because I just didn't think she was a suitable person to carry a gun and fulfill the duties of a police officer. She's very emotional, immature and doesn't always use good judgment. (I like her as a person, and think she's suitable for all sorts of jobs, just not a cop.) And when people have asked me to be a reference for cleared jobs, I only agree if I can recommend them honestly, without misgivings.

I think if you have grave misgivings about your I-L's as parents, you are right to not do a reference. And I think your husband could tell them why. Supporting your family sometimes involves harsh truths. If they have a volatile marriage that they're not bothering to hide from others, then they won't be that surprised if you give them that as a reason why kids might not be a great idea, at least not right now.

people here are the worst friends. amazing the sabotage.

Yeah, so true. Imagine letting a friend who might have anger issues be a cop and carry a gun. This person might go off and shoot people. Just because they are your friend doesn't mean you support them unconditionally when they could be doing idiotic things - that is acually a bad friend.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is too much, the marital problems my stem fro infertility, but this is not fair to any child. Just decline.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP who talked about having qualms with my friend's cross-racial adoption, and I agree with other PPs that people revert to their worst behaviors under sustained stress like having a new child (which is different than a short-term crisis in which many people rise to the occasion extremely gracefully). I am in a good relationship where we've undergone years of therapy and overcome some bad behaviors (yelling, blaming, name-calling/insults during fights) and many of them have come back (although not to the worst degree) under the stress of having a newborn.

Also, as a child who grew up with an abusive father: if the dog cowers, there is more than "discipline" and nose-whacks going on.

[Anonymous]

No, don't decline. If the in-laws don't realize that they have shown you traits that might not make them the best parents, they might not realize that they wouldn't make the best parents themselves. They asked, you tell. I would make the reference as honest as possible, but you do need to look out for the welfare of the child. Not recommending someone for a job is different from this. A child is pretty much defenseless and if placed in a bad home has to suffer until someone (hopefully) notices. An adult in the wrong job be figured out pretty quickly and probably not cause a lifetime of emotional problems. BIL and his wife are adults - they make their behavioral choices (or their lack of dealing with/treating those choices) and do need to deal with the consequences. If that means no adoption and that is truly the best thing for all parties, then maybe that's what should happen.

[Anonymous]

9:54 PP here - I was just honest when I filled out the form. I didn't embellish. And it turned out that another form carried much more weight than mine. A friend who was a fairfax county sheriff also had very serious concerns - for the same reasons - and was the main reason she was not accepted to the academy.

she didn't ask me if i was ok being a reference; she just gave them my name. i would have been happier not being a reference, if I'd had the option to say no.

[Anonymous]

Write a truthful reference.

Would you feel more guilty if they don't get a child, or if they get one and abuse/mistreat the child?

[Anonymous]

I think you don't have enough info. I am already suspect of OP because she is an animal rights person-my friend is one and I love her but her idea of abuse is completely different than mine and I am good to animals. I think that alone colors what you think of your BIL. I think if your husband doesn't want to write a reference he shouldn't and he should be candid with brother why he isn't because that could maybe be food for thought and your husband may find out about many positive changes in their relationship and FYI-if police are called there is a record and if it was abuse..there is a record and any background checking place would pick that up. But writing a negative reference...no that is wrong unless you have real evidence and not a "hunch" because you don't like how they act with a dog or they had some fights..Fess up everyone, everybody has had some whoppers that they would be embarrassed about..esp. if you married young..god I can't imagine my relationships in my twenties. I would have to have real solid evidence before I pulled the plug on someone's dream of being a parent. Also saw something on the cross racial adoption--what was up with that? Why would race be a factor..would it be okay if child was race of parents? I never understand that thought..a good home is a good home..black white whatever..

[Anonymous]

"If the in-laws don't realize that they have shown you traits that might not make them the best parents, they might not realize that they wouldn't make the best parents themselves."

OMG. If this is the standard, then I don't know anyone who should have kids. You don't have to be the best parents. Adequate is good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't have enough info. I am already suspect of OP because she is an animal rights person-my friend is one and I love her but her idea of abuse is completely different than mine and I am good to animals. I think that alone colors what you think of your BIL. I think if your husband doesn't want to write a reference he shouldn't and he should be candid with brother why he isn't because that could maybe be food for thought and your husband may find out about many positive changes in their relationship and FYI-if police are called there is a record and if it was abuse..there is a record and any background checking place would pick that up. But writing a negative reference...no that is wrong unless you have real evidence and not a "hunch" because you don't like how they act with a dog or they had some fights..Fess up everyone, everybody has had some whoppers that they would be embarrassed about..esp. if you married young..god I can't imagine my relationships in my twenties. I would have to have real solid evidence before I pulled the plug on someone's dream of being a parent. Also saw something on the cross racial adoption--what was up with that? Why would race be a factor..would it be okay if child was race of parents? I never understand that thought..a good home is a good home..black white whatever..

What a lame opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP, remember that just like you, they will go through police & FBI clearances as part of the home study and this stuff will come up without their help if the police were called enough times to their home on their behalf which should take care of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you seriously think spanking and yelling at a dog is a big deal? what if the dog had just taken a dump on the carpet, or eaten somebody's shoes? I've certainly punished/corrected my dogs many times and don't feel guilty about doing it. Doesn't mean I do the same thing to my kids.

You are truly an idiot.

Smacking and yelling at the dog made you feel better but in both instances the dog didn't get why you were doing either to him/her and so it had no effect.
This is common sense. No one actually believes that beating their do after it poops on the floor is going to make the dog understand that it pooped on the floor and you are mad about it. Dogs can not reason in such a fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't have enough info. I am already suspect of OP because she is an animal rights person-my friend is one and I love her but her idea of abuse is completely different than mine and I am good to animals. I think that alone colors what you think of your BIL. I think if your husband doesn't want to write a reference he shouldn't and he should be candid with brother why he isn't because that could maybe be food for thought and your husband may find out about many positive changes in their relationship and FYI-if police are called there is a record and if it was abuse..there is a record and any background checking place would pick that up. But writing a negative reference...no that is wrong unless you have real evidence and not a "hunch" because you don't like how they act with a dog or they had some fights..Fess up everyone, everybody has had some whoppers that they would be embarrassed about..esp. if you married young..god I can't imagine my relationships in my twenties. I would have to have real solid evidence before I pulled the plug on someone's dream of being a parent. Also saw something on the cross racial adoption--what was up with that? Why would race be a factor..would it be okay if child was race of parents? I never understand that thought..a good home is a good home..black white whatever..

finally some common sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you seriously think spanking and yelling at a dog is a big deal? what if the dog had just taken a dump on the carpet, or eaten somebody's shoes? I've certainly punished/corrected my dogs many times and don't feel guilty about doing it. Doesn't mean I do the same thing to my kids.

You are truly an idiot.

Smacking and yelling at the dog made you feel better but in both instances the dog didn't get why you were doing either to him/her and so it had no effect.
This is common sense. No one actually believes that beating their do after it poops on the floor is going to make the dog understand that it pooped on the floor and you are mad about it. Dogs can not reason in such a fashion.

and you know what is in a dog's mind? I 100% disagree. for an animal lover, you don't give a dog much benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, don't decline. If the in-laws don't realize that they have shown you traits that might not make them the best parents, they might not realize that they wouldn't make the best parents themselves. They asked, you tell. I would make the reference as honest as possible, but you do need to look out for the welfare of the child. Not recommending someone for a job is different from this. A child is pretty much defenseless and if placed in a bad home has to suffer until someone (hopefully) notices. An adult in the wrong job be figured out pretty quickly and probably not cause a lifetime of emotional problems. BIL and his wife are adults - they make their behavioral choices (or their lack of dealing with/treating those choices) and do need to deal with the consequences. If that means no adoption and that is truly the best thing for all parties, then maybe that's what should happen.

This is the best advice. Do not decline. Someone else will give them glowing reviews if you do. Tell the truth to all parties, including BIL. Best route.