DH does NOT want to fill out an adoption reference form for his brother- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

(Just as background, I was adopted and DH and I have also adopted a child, so we're familiar in general with providing reference letters.)

DH's brother and wife are adopting and have asked DH to be a reference, which he was very nervous about doing. The form arrived yesterday and of course asked questions about marital instability, character, issues, etc. The thing that makes DH very hesitant is that BIL and SIL have had a very volatile marriage. They don't live near us and we only see them maybe once a year so we don't know what their marriage is like now. However, DH spent more time with them in the past and they've had a lot of issues with jealousy and accusing each other of cheating. BIL also has a bad temper. Personally, I think he is abusive to their dog, but maybe as a huge animal rights person, that's just my opinion. Anyway, examples include her spitting in his face, him holding her arms and her scratching his wrists. They lived abroad and during that time, they separated. She fled back to the US and took his passport with her so that he couldn't leave the foreign country. One of the questions on the reference form asks if you were responsible for a child's future, would you want that child to be adopted by BIL...and my answer would be NO. We could've chosen them to be our kids' guardians but steered way clear of that.

So, the short of it is that we don't think they would be good parents, though I suppose that is for the adoption agency to decide. When we adopted, our references gave us copies of what they had written. I don't know if BIL will get a copy of what DH writes. If DH declines or writes the truth and the agency doesn't allow them to adopt, I'm sure that will ruin his relationship with BIL.

What would you do??

[Anonymous]

Decline to fill out the form.

[Anonymous]

I would decline - you are bringing another child into a bad marriage. This isn't a dog they are adopting from the pound.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you would be helpful to this couple in their drive to adopt, and I think you need to tell them that. It will be difficult for you to say and them to hear, but they really need to know that you can't give them a good reference, so that they have time to find someone who can, since that is what they want. Whether or not they will make good parents is for another day.

[Anonymous]

OP again. So you would decline to submit a reference altogether as opposed to writing what you've experienced/observed and let the agency decide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So you would decline to submit a reference altogether as opposed to writing what you've experienced/observed and let the agency decide?

Yes. When someone asks for a reference, you have a duty to tell them you can't give them a good one.

[Anonymous]

OP again- I hit submit too fast. The cover letter also says that they know no one is perfect and that you should feel free to discuss the couple's flaws as well as their good qualities. Maybe they don't really mean it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- I hit submit too fast. The cover letter also says that they know no one is perfect and that you should feel free to discuss the couple's flaws as well as their good qualities. Maybe they don't really mean it!

I think abusive to their dog would be a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So you would decline to submit a reference altogether as opposed to writing what you've experienced/observed and let the agency decide?

I don't think I could write a negative reference for my brother/BIL - but I don't know. If I knew that writing it would mean that he might get a child to adopt and that child could be raised in a bad home situation, it might lead me to write one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again- I hit submit too fast. The cover letter also says that they know no one is perfect and that you should feel free to discuss the couple's flaws as well as their good qualities. Maybe they don't really mean it!

I think abusive to their dog would be a huge red flag.

OP again. I personally call it abusiveness but I know others would disagree. He spanks the dog and yells at it. However, like I said in my original post, I am a big animal rights person (vegetarian, don't wear leather, wool, silk, etc) so I know my opinions are different from most people's.

[Anonymous]

The violence would be a problem for me (spitting, scratching, hitting the dog) and I would decline to write one.

I had friends ask for an adoption reference specifically regarding a cross-racial adoption and I struggled with it. In the end I gave a positive reference because I believed that they would be generally good parents and would do their best to educate themselves on racial issues. It was hard, though, and I still don't think they're the best-prepared for the job. However, they're enthusiastic loving parents who are trying really hard and absolutely adore their child, so I don't think I made the wrong decision (I just think the older years when identity and belonging issues arise are going to be challenging).

Had I had the qualms that you were describing, I would have swung the other way and just told them I wasn't going to be able to do that for them. If they pushed, I would have said (in your situation) that I have some concerns about some of the ways you interact with each other and I wouldn't be able to keep those to myself with the social worker, so it would be better if they found someone who could give them a wholly positive recommendation.

This is going to be hard on your relationship with them, but I am not in the "any home is a good home" camp when it comes to adoption. There are homes out there without that kind of aggressive and juvenile behavior, and I would hope for a child to get placed there instead.

[Anonymous]

Call the agency and ask if the contents of your submission will be kept confidential.

If they already had a child and were abusive to him would you not call the authorities because you didn't want to piss of your BIL?

[Anonymous]

"I think abusive to their dog would be a huge red flag. "

Ditto. One of the biggest! Inform the agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. So you would decline to submit a reference altogether as opposed to writing what you've experienced/observed and let the agency decide?

I don't think I could write a negative reference for my brother/BIL - but I don't know. If I knew that writing it would mean that he might get a child to adopt and that child could be raised in a bad home situation, it might lead me to write one.

I agree. I don't think I could live with myself if someone like that adopted a child and the child ended up having a terrible home life. As a parent, would you want your child to be adopted by a family like that?

[Anonymous]

OP again. Of course if they were abusive I would report them. The thing is, we don't know what their relationship is like today. Things seem better but like I said, we rarely see them. MIL used to report the fights as well and has said herself lately that things seem better to them. They may have repaired their marriage for all I know, but their past issues are definitely concerning to me.

The only thing that keeps me wondering if DH should fill out the form truthfully is that the agency really should know their past. If he declines and they get only glowing references, the agency might never know there were past issues. Keep in mind that there are also extensive interviews and pre-placement visits, so the reference letter should not be the make or break item.