DH does NOT want to fill out an adoption reference form for his brother- WWYD?

[Anonymous]

"The only thing that keeps me wondering if DH should fill out the form truthfully is that the agency really should know their past."

OP- you've answered your own question. Tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

You have already indicated that you would not want your child raised by them. Think about why you made that choice. The adopted child is just as vulnerable and precious as your own children - so if you have serious reservations about their parenting ability, you should speak up. Let the agency know.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the truth. Reference letters are confidential. We are adoptive parents to 2 kids and the only letters we saw were handed to us by the people who wrote them. You are not obligated to show them the reference. I would be sure to tell all of the positives as well as the negatives. I probably would not give details about spitting and scratching but I would be honest. The part about the dog would be considered irrelevant. Either way, they will probably be able to find an agency that will accept them but the right thing to do is to tell the truth.

[Anonymous]

I would just ignore the request and when they ask again decline. You have valid concerns not to bring a child through birth or adoption into that relationship. I would not call the agency and ruin it for them. Let someone else be an reference if they can find one.

[Anonymous]

I would not fill out the reference. I personally think it's cowardly to send in a bad reference for someone. Agreeing to be someone's reference means (to me) that you're willing to vouch for someone. If you can't do that, don't send in the form.

Whether you want to call and discuss it with BiL or simply "forget" to get to it is your call.

[Anonymous]

Yes, spanking a dog and yelling at is abusive. Your BIL will do the same or worse to a child.

As an adoptive parent, I know my homestudy agency actually didn't care for a family reference. They required 3 written references from those who had known you for a certain duration of time but if one on those references was a family member, you were then required to provide a 4th written reference so essentially trying to persuade one from providing family members as refernces.

You don't actually have to inform your brother you are declining, just inform the agency. They will inform the brother.

[Anonymous]

you seriously think spanking and yelling at a dog is a big deal? what if the dog had just taken a dump on the carpet, or eaten somebody's shoes? I've certainly punished/corrected my dogs many times and don't feel guilty about doing it. Doesn't mean I do the same thing to my kids.

[Anonymous]

I really think you are being really cruel to your BROTHER. Please do not ruin his chance to adopt a child and be a loving parent - you see the guy once a year and have seen him yell at a dog! that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you seriously think spanking and yelling at a dog is a big deal? what if the dog had just taken a dump on the carpet, or eaten somebody's shoes? I've certainly punished/corrected my dogs many times and don't feel guilty about doing it. Doesn't mean I do the same thing to my kids.

Spanking a dog teaches the animal nothing but aggression, and a responsible dog owner would know this.

There's a difference between correcting an animal and terrorizing it. Any punishment after the fact is mere venting of spleen. It teaches nothing.

And why do you think the BIL would be more mature and responsible about a child than an animal?

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH has seen and heard a lot more than just yelling at a dog. As I said in my original post, he has spent much more time with them in the past. When the form asks if there has been any marital instability, he has plenty of incidents he can supply. The police have been called for domestic disturbances, etc.

And yes, to 11:58, when you don't housetrain your dog and then it poops on the carpet and you spank it, that's YOUR fault and it IS animal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should decline to reccomend, and please try to help that poor dog.

[Anonymous]

Can you ring the agency and ask them if they even accept references from family?

You clearly don't want to recommend the family so it's probably best not to do it. As you've hinted in your post, you're not sure if some of the issues are more your values than society's values (I'm a vegetarian / animal rights person myself so I can see where you're coming from). If you do write something, you need to clearly separate what's important to the specific situation and what's not. Still, it sounds like you have strong evidence with the police calls.

Your decision is made (you are not recommending him) so you just have to work out the best way to deal with that. I would check with the agency (if you're not eligible that's great). Then I would probably avoid the situation but I'm sure that's not a great tactic. Not sure what I'd do. Sounds like a situation that can cause a long-term rift.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Who knew it was so easy to adopt?

[Anonymous]

DH should tell BIL that he doesn't feel comfortable writing the letter bc he is rarely around them, and when he was, BIL and SIL were clearly in a rough patch. He can say that he feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to hurt their chances of being parents, it's just that he really doesn't have the right information to fill out the forms.

Then he has the opportunity to ask how BIL and SIL are doing now in their marriage and talk to BIL about how prepared he feels about raising a child. That will tell you whether there is anything currently that HAS to be reported to the agency (ie any knowledge that a child would be actively in danger. You do not have this now, what you have are suspicions based on things that happened a while ago).

DH should not cave and write the letter. He does not have any basis on which to recommend his brother for adopting. If BIL presses him, he should be honest that he just does not feel comfortable and is concerned based on BIL's past marital difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has seen and heard a lot more than just yelling at a dog. As I said in my original post, he has spent much more time with them in the past. When the form asks if there has been any marital instability, he has plenty of incidents he can supply. The police have been called for domestic disturbances, etc.

And yes, to 11:58, when you don't housetrain your dog and then it poops on the carpet and you spank it, that's YOUR fault and it IS animal abuse.

we have had many, many dogs - and each one of them has received many whacks with a rolled up newspaper as correction. certainly was not abuse, and the dogs learned from those corrections. and more importantly, it has nothing to do with how the children are treated.