Did you/would you tell your child you used a donor egg?

[Anonymous]

Obviously this is a question many people can relate to and have an opinion on. check out this website
http://www.nuffieldbioethics.org/donor-conception/donor-conception-consultation-questions

I also think that the most important issue about disclosure is for health reasons. I would only tell people on a "need to know" basis. This is not a subject that you can throw out there lightly and most people would chomp at the bit to gossip when the opportunity arises, whether they are your relatives or friends or neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would anyone here tell their kids when and if they experienced smoking pot? alcohol before age 21? The list goes on and on. I just think, as long as you love your kid, whether it be 100% yours, a donor egg, or adopted, just love them. If for some reason they ask, and, they are old enough and mature enough, perhaps. It just seems to me to be a Pandora's Box.

First, I agree with a PP that this is a silly comparison. You can't compare information that is about who the parent is with information that is about who the child is.

That said, my mom had a very wild youth, and she did actually tell my brother and I about it from a young age, in a very appropriate way. As we got to be teens and had questions about that stuff, she told me that she had made a lot of choices when she was young that she really regretted, and that those experiences weren't worth what it cost her. Her explanation that the choices she made when she was high or drunk destroyed her respect for herself for years made a big impact on the lines I drew for myself in adolescence.

So, even in your unfair example, integrity is still a good choice.

[Anonymous]

My older brother has a different father than me. My father adopted my brother when he was a baby (before I was born) and while my parents didn't really keep it a secret, it wasn't exactly discussed either. I was about 9 or 10 when I put it all together (I was nosey and found paperwork) and I remember being absolutely shocked. I do feel my brother felt differently and it just highlighted the ways that he and I were different from one another. We always fought, and there were lots of other complicating factors (totally different personalities to start), but it just seemed to drive a wedge. We love each other but to this day we aren't close either. I also had a challenging relationship with my mom in the teen and early adult years. If I had come across something like this later on (and honestly especially if I were the genetically unrelated one), it would have been very difficult for me to process and it would have strained the relationship so much further than it already was.

Also, for whatever else it's worth, I would consider adoption and/or DE in a heart beat if it came to that. I respect that this is such an emotionally loaded topic for those who have used DE, but I just wanted to put out a cautionary tale from an adult child's perspective. I would respectfully recommend disclosure early and often.

[Anonymous]

I would never tell my child. There is no good reason to tell unless there is a life or death issue at hand (what I can't imagine). Why make them feel weird or give them fodder for teen years "but you're not my "real mom"!)

[Anonymous]

Used a DE. Will never tell the child. Had a terrible experience inside the family with an adopted cousin. He was adopted at one day old but NEVER fit in to the family - even as a toddler. He was raised knowing he was adopted. He basically has no contact with anyone in the family any way, and has given my aunt and uncle nothing but heartached from a young age. I want my child to feel nothing but love from us. It doesn't matter where she came from.

[Anonymous]

We used donor eggs. Our clinic had us meet with a counselor, and we read many articles. All advocated disclosure. We have young twins. We bought several children's books about DE, have already read them. Some family members on my side know, as do some on my husband's side. We will not tell my parents or siblings, since there is a cultural issue of "blood relations". But the children will know, definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't feel pressured to tell just because experts du jour believe it's best to tell. some children/adults would prefer to know and some wouldn't. i suggest you play it by the ear.

the whole genetic thing is likewise blown out of proportion. not that long ago, people knew and cared very little about such things. all of a sudden, you are a monster if you don't provide your children with a sequenced genome of all ancestors.

+! I completely agree! (DE mom of 1, playing it by ear. Not because it is taboo, but because it doesnt really matter.)

[Anonymous]

We have a blended family...the oldest child is from my husband's previous marriage, the second child was conceived by my husband and me and the third child was conceived via donor egg. None of our children have the same genetic heritage. We are very non-chalant about it... we didn't sit everyone down and explain how our family came to be but it does come up in everyday conversation...Second child asks, "where is Child one?" "She is at her mom's house." I reply. "Where did I come from?" Child 3 asks, "a nice lady helped us get pregnant with you by sharing one of her eggs"...We don't make a big deal about it, but don't hid it either. So many families are blended these days due to divorce, adoption, donor gametes, etc. It doesn't seem to be that big of a deal for us to just tell it like it is.

[Anonymous]

We are doing DE and meeting with a counseler (required) this week. There is no way I would NOT tell the child. What happens if a kidney or bone marrow, etc was needed etc. If the roles were reversed I would proably never forgive my parents for not telling me.

I think more harm can come by not telling imo, but that again is just my opinion...

[Anonymous]

Actuallty there are many studies AGAINST telling and if you dont want to tell dont its pretty simple there is too much judgement here as for medical history learn your donors histort and adopt it thats that. NO ONES BUSINESS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO IN YOUR FAMILY. PEOPLE THAT INFERTILE THAT START BEING JUDGY ARE THE SAME AS THOSE LUNATICS THAT THINK IVF IS EVIL IT ALL COMES FROM THE SAME SPOT JUDGING SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actuallty there are many studies AGAINST telling and if you dont want to tell dont its pretty simple there is too much judgement here as for medical history learn your donors histort and adopt it thats that. NO ONES BUSINESS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO IN YOUR FAMILY. PEOPLE THAT INFERTILE THAT START BEING JUDGY ARE THE SAME AS THOSE LUNATICS THAT THINK IVF IS EVIL IT ALL COMES FROM THE SAME SPOT JUDGING SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER

Good grief, did you really need to bump a three year old thread for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are doing DE and meeting with a counseler (required) this week. There is no way I would NOT tell the child. What happens if a kidney or bone marrow, etc was needed etc. If the roles were reversed I would proably never forgive my parents for not telling me.

I think more harm can come by not telling imo, but that again is just my opinion...

And what exactly happens if a kidney or bone marrow are needed? You could be related but not a match for bone marrow. If you mean the blood type, then you can pick a donor with your own bloodtype, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Nobody wants to be lied to. Tell the truth to your children.

[Anonymous]

I'm hesitant to add to this mele, but yes, I plan to tell. I have a brother who was adopted as an infant (and I am the product of my parents' genes) and my mom told both of us all along that we "came into our family" in two different ways. Neither of us saw one way as better than the other. I'm now using DE.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is adopted, please tell them sooner rather than later. My parents told me when I was 3 or 4 years old, when they thought I would understand. We were very open about the adoption and it wasn't a big deal. Finding out when I was older (or having it be this huge secret) would have been devastating, not only to my sense of self and identity but to my relationship with my parents and family. I've met other adoptees who found out when they were 15 and 22 years old and it dramatically changed how they felt about their identity and to their trust in their parents.