Did you/would you tell your child you used a donor egg?

[Anonymous]

Seems like some of the posters are completely oblivious of other people's cultures and/or extended families that are not as accepting of children who are not genetically related to them. That understanding is what's missing from the insensitive posts in this thread, I think.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't feel pressured to tell just because experts du jour believe it's best to tell. some children/adults would prefer to know and some wouldn't. i suggest you play it by the ear.

the whole genetic thing is likewise blown out of proportion. not that long ago, people knew and cared very little about such things. all of a sudden, you are a monster if you don't provide your children with a sequenced genome of all ancestors.

[Anonymous]

Exactly PP! Thank you! (I'm not the OP but the one in a similar situation)

[Anonymous]

PP who mentioned a preference for not telling due to cultural issues, you may want to check out this thread from the Looking to be a Mom through DE board on Network54. There are many posters on this thread (link below) who are strongly pro-tell, but several who are no tell, and cultural issues are brought up.

http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/thread/1304657619/Is+being+no+tell+totally+wrong-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're using donor eggs and plan to tell from a very young age. I think there are actually some good children's books that cover this issue.

On the other hand, we *don't* plan to tell our parents, friends or any other relatives. The way we look at it, this will be our DC's secret to tell or not tell.

It's not that simple. If you tell the child when she is little (as you plan) she might blurt it out in front of people whom, were she more mature, she would definitively choose not to tell.

[Anonymous]

I have a step daughter, a daughter conceived naturally with DH and a son conceived via donor egg. None of the children are 100% genetically related and it really doesn't matter to us or to them. We've been open from the get go. We went so far as to do a semi open egg donation - in other words, our son can contact the donor once he turns 18. We want him to know his story, to own his story and to be able to connect the dots as much as he wants. For medical reasons, I also feel that it is important that my son know his genetic make up. Now what we are careful about is telling him and his siblings about his story. After that, its HIS decision to tell others. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're using donor eggs and plan to tell from a very young age. I think there are actually some good children's books that cover this issue.

On the other hand, we *don't* plan to tell our parents, friends or any other relatives. The way we look at it, this will be our DC's secret to tell or not tell.

It's not that simple. If you tell the child when she is little (as you plan) she might blurt it out in front of people whom, were she more mature, she would definitively choose not to tell.

I am the PP you quoted and I agree that a young child could blurt out this kind of information, but we believe the risks that she will tell someone and later regret the decision are much less than the risks if we were not to tell at all or if we were to delay telling until she is older. With that said, I don't believe anyone in our extended family would view or treat our child differently upon learning that she was conceived with a donor egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP you quoted and I agree that a young child could blurt out this kind of information, but we believe the risks that she will tell someone and later regret the decision are much less than the risks if we were not to tell at all or if we were to delay telling until she is older. With that said, I don't believe anyone in our extended family would view or treat our child differently upon learning that she was conceived with a donor egg.

But she might also tell it to her teacher, friends in kindergarten and beyond... I also sort of disagree that it's solely DC secret to tell or not tell. It is your and your husband's secret as well.

I am not advocating telling or not telling - I really have no dog in this fight (will stop at children I already have rather than move to DE). I was just compelled to comment because I feel that there is a lot of pressure on parents to tell with medical records and destroyed relationships pointed out over and over again, while potential negatives are pretty much ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP you quoted and I agree that a young child could blurt out this kind of information, but we believe the risks that she will tell someone and later regret the decision are much less than the risks if we were not to tell at all or if we were to delay telling until she is older. With that said, I don't believe anyone in our extended family would view or treat our child differently upon learning that she was conceived with a donor egg.

But she might also tell it to her teacher, friends in kindergarten and beyond... I also sort of disagree that it's solely DC secret to tell or not tell. It is your and your husband's secret as well.

I am not advocating telling or not telling - I really have no dog in this fight (will stop at children I already have rather than move to DE). I was just compelled to comment because I feel that there is a lot of pressure on parents to tell with medical records and destroyed relationships pointed out over and over again, while potential negatives are pretty much ignored.

If this is your big concern, then I would just teach her the concepts of "private"--things we only discuss with Mommy and Daddy, vs. "public"--things we share indiscriminately. Kids can master this at a surprisingly young age. You could still reliably tell many kids by age 7 or 8, which is young enough for it to be part of their identity, rather than having it change their view of who they are.

For us, the driving question was how I felt about the worst-case scenario at either end: Would I rather risk complete alienation from my child or complete alienation from my family, and I chose to tell my kid. I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be a sister or a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a completely different situation if you already have a biological child. Especially, a young biological child from the same marriage. This is why I have ruled out donor eggs.

To me, this really isn't any different than having a mix of biological and adopted children, a la Brangelina. I am my parents' biological child, while my younger brother was adopted after my mother experienced secondary infertility. What a great story to be able to tell the adopted or donor child about how very badly he/she was wanted and what great lengths you went to to bring him/her into the family.

I am considering adoption. I have a biological child and wanted to know how the sibling dynamic will workout when they know ones adopted. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP you quoted and I agree that a young child could blurt out this kind of information, but we believe the risks that she will tell someone and later regret the decision are much less than the risks if we were not to tell at all or if we were to delay telling until she is older. With that said, I don't believe anyone in our extended family would view or treat our child differently upon learning that she was conceived with a donor egg.

But she might also tell it to her teacher, friends in kindergarten and beyond... I also sort of disagree that it's solely DC secret to tell or not tell. It is your and your husband's secret as well.

I am not advocating telling or not telling - I really have no dog in this fight (will stop at children I already have rather than move to DE). I was just compelled to comment because I feel that there is a lot of pressure on parents to tell with medical records and destroyed relationships pointed out over and over again, while potential negatives are pretty much ignored.

If this is your big concern, then I would just teach her the concepts of "private"--things we only discuss with Mommy and Daddy, vs. "public"--things we share indiscriminately. Kids can master this at a surprisingly young age. You could still reliably tell many kids by age 7 or 8, which is young enough for it to be part of their identity, rather than having it change their view of who they are.

For us, the driving question was how I felt about the worst-case scenario at either end: Would I rather risk complete alienation from my child or complete alienation from my family, and I chose to tell my kid. I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be a sister or a daughter.

+1

To me, absolutely nothing could be worse than alienation from my child who discovers the truth and resents not being told. It's just not worth the risk in any way, shape or form.

[Anonymous]

Would anyone here tell their kids when and if they experienced smoking pot? alcohol before age 21? The list goes on and on. I just think, as long as you love your kid, whether it be 100% yours, a donor egg, or adopted, just love them. If for some reason they ask, and, they are old enough and mature enough, perhaps. It just seems to me to be a Pandora's Box.

[Anonymous]

Well said, 8:59.I think it is easy to get all caught up in this, when you really just need to let it play out as the particular situations warrants.


(Although I do have one correction: if you have a kid from donor egg and adoption, it's still "100% yours")

[Anonymous]

My husband and I would tell our children when we feel that they are mature enough to understand. I think when the child becomes an adolescent, that is the time they start to have a lot of questions about themselves and family, they approach the age of reasoning and can begin to understand why their parents need to use donor eggs to conceive them. Once you talk to them, be prepared for them to tell others. It is not fair to tell your children and expect them to "keep a secret". It is very hard for some people to keep secrets and much more so for a child to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would anyone here tell their kids when and if they experienced smoking pot? alcohol before age 21? The list goes on and on. I just think, as long as you love your kid, whether it be 100% yours, a donor egg, or adopted, just love them. If for some reason they ask, and, they are old enough and mature enough, perhaps. It just seems to me to be a Pandora's Box.

But these issues aren't even close to being comparable. Finding out that your mom smoked pot in college is a heck of a lot different than finding out your mom isn't biologically related to you. Finding out as a teen (or adult) that you were adopted or conceived using a donor egg has the potential to spark a major identity crisis. There's a reason that psychologists are pretty much unanimous in their guidance on this issue.