Did you/would you tell your child you used a donor egg?

[Anonymous]

I really think it's primarily how you and your husband handle it from the start. If you are up front with your donor egg child from the beginning and make it known that she was so loved from the start, I really do think it will be fine. Yes, there will be issues along the way, but the bottom line is that she was conceived out of pure love. You are her mother from the start, and it doesn't matter that you used a donor egg. What matters is the love you show her from the beginning. I have no personal experience with your situation, but we used donor sperm and plan to be completely honest with our daughter when she is old enough (probably around 5 years old). But my husband is her father, and that will never change.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP w/ 'horrible parents'. My rec is definitely to tell your kid(s) and tell them early. I have seen some of the kid's books and they're cute and clever. Yes, it is the kid's news to tell - but now you're talking about 2 kids and different needs to tell. In my case, I could see either child telling my parents (who really would be their grandparents, darn it), and then having the grandparents treat one kid differently than the other. Kids from different biologies matters very much to some people. My sister adopted 2 kids, different races. I have all the evidence I need that biology is huge in how extended family treats them. Telling is not limited to you, your spouse and your kids.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough call. I just found out at age 27 that I come from a sperm donor (parents were told they could not have children together after years of infertility apparently). I have an older brother who also comes from a different sperm donor. Then I have a younger sister who is both my parents biological child (turns out they could get pregnant i guess-though it took them 13 years).

My parents didn't come out and tell me, I just pieced it together over the years and deep down just knew I wasn't related to my father. I basically pulled it out of my mother. My brother and sister do not know this information. My father does not know that I know this information.

So, on one level I wish I had been told earlier and it would have been way less of a shock. However, my brother and sister don't know and honestly I do not think that they will ever figure it out. So in their case, ignorance is bliss. If i didn't have the inkling and strong feeling that I came from a donor, I probably wouldn't want to know.

The only thing is that you need to make sure that you have a thorough medical history of the donor's family and be willing to disclose at least if there is ever a medical need. I was conceived in 1983 and I'm pretty sure I"ll never find out medical history on the donor or his famliy and that's what upsets me most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been many over the past 10 years studies that show that a child can handle the news that he/she was conceived via donor sperm or egg. It is much worse if that person finds out when he/she is an adult. The conclusion of every study is to tell your child the truth in childhood and never lie about it or keep the truth hidden.

Hello --

Can you please cite the articles you are referring to? We have 3 children by DE (all same donor) and were not planning on telling them until they are much older, preferrably after they have kids of their own and can really understand the unbelieveable love you have for a child regardless of whether they biologically yours.

I totallly agree on the poster who commented on the genetic history point; otherwise, we would consider not telling our children at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a tough call. I just found out at age 27 that I come from a sperm donor (parents were told they could not have children together after years of infertility apparently). I have an older brother who also comes from a different sperm donor. Then I have a younger sister who is both my parents biological child (turns out they could get pregnant i guess-though it took them 13 years).

The only thing is that you need to make sure that you have a thorough medical history of the donor's family and be willing to disclose at least if there is ever a medical need. I was conceived in 1983 and I'm pretty sure I"ll never find out medical history on the donor or his famliy and that's what upsets me most.

Would it really have been less of a shock to learn this when you were young or a teenager going through all the teenager "angst." Why do you say that?

[Anonymous]

to 23:11

I'm the one who posted about the studies I read that conclude it's best to tell your child when he or she is young. Unfortunately, I no longer have the studies because it's been a few years, but when my husband and I were thinking about donor sperm, we met with a psychologist, who gave us some studies. We also did research on our own and came across other studies that all concluded it's best to tell your child when he is young. If I recall, one of the largest studies was out of the U.K. There was a lot of resentment among those people who found out in adulthood they they were the product of donor sperm or egg. They felt they were lied to their whole lives. If you have access to Pub Med, that's where we found the studies. A Google search also turns up more than you think.

Obviously, it's a personal choice.

[Anonymous]

This is the PP who found out at age 27. Um, no i do not wish i found out when i was a teenager-that probably would have been worse. But perhaps as a younger child so it is something i would have grown up knowing and then it wouldn't have seemed so weird at 27. I mean, 27 is really kind of old to fine out, no??

[Anonymous]

There's some good information on disclosure here:

http://www.parentsviaeggdonation.org/v2/disclosure.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's some good information on disclosure here:

http://www.parentsviaeggdonation.org/v2/disclosure.html

...with citations, for those who wanted research.

[Anonymous]

a little late to this string...but from what I've gathered, parents often think the child should know, but the kids, as adults, have differing views (like the 27 year old who posted, and other acconts I have read). We're struggling with this, bc don't want our 1.5 yr old DS to not feel that he's his dad's and have problems with it later. Especially with boys and the way they look up to their dads...but at same time, don't like the idea of lying to him. Any other donor kids out there who could weigh in?

[Anonymous]

If you have a biological child and a child from donor egg would you please share your stories? does your biological child know about the situation? how does that affect sibling dynamic? etc.... We have a biological child and we are considering donor egg for no.2. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman with a genetic child and DE twins. The twins are babies but I absolutely plan to tell them how they were conceived as soon as I can have some kind of conversation with them about it - like age three. I will not seclude my older son from that conversation. I'll explain to all of them that one needs a sperm and an egg to make a baby. When mommy wanted to have another baby, her eggs didn't work and a lady gave mommy her eggs. Of course as the children get older we'll go into more detail. I would never withhold their genetic history from my children.

[Anonymous]

Nobody has the right to withhold information like this from their child!! Wouldn't you want to know who you are and where you came from? Not discounting how difficult a conversation...ongoing conversation...and reality this can be for a DE or DS child and their family, but as the parent, I don't see how anyone could believe they have the right to keep fundamental information about their child's identity from them. Sorry, the ramifications of telling may not be easy but the alternative means living a lie - a lie that may be discovered when DC is older with devastating ramifications for DC and the family. I have lived it. I mean this in the most gentle way, but do often wonder if when parents make the decision to keep this information about their child's identity whether they are really trying to protect their child or whether they are really protecting themselves and perhaps have not been able to really accept the decisions they made to use DE or DS so it is jut easier to pretend it didn't happen. PP is right, there are so many studies - you can find them on the Internet - showing that children conceived with donor sperm or egg are not negatively affected if they grow up in a loving, supportive environment where discussion about their origins is not taboo, hidden or somehow discouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been many over the past 10 years studies that show that a child can handle the news that he/she was conceived via donor sperm or egg. It is much worse if that person finds out when he/she is an adult. The conclusion of every study is to tell your child the truth in childhood and never lie about it or keep the truth hidden.

Hello --

Can you please cite the articles you are referring to? We have 3 children by DE (all same donor) and were not planning on telling them until they are much older, preferrably after they have kids of their own and can really understand the unbelieveable love you have for a child regardless of whether they biologically yours.

I totallly agree on the poster who commented on the genetic history point; otherwise, we would consider not telling our children at all.

Another donor sperm child here. PLEASE do not wait until your children already have children. My parents did that to me and it was the thing that upset me the most--yes, I understood the overwhelming love, but I would have made different choices about prenatal testing if I was aware that half my genetic history was a complete blank. It's the one thing I really can't get over--at that point, I feel like their choice to keep me ignorant was just selfish. I understand to some extent, but I still think it was selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has the right to withhold information like this from their child!! Wouldn't you want to know who you are and where you came from? Not discounting how difficult a conversation...ongoing conversation...and reality this can be for a DE or DS child and their family, but as the parent, I don't see how anyone could believe they have the right to keep fundamental information about their child's identity from them. Sorry, the ramifications of telling may not be easy but the alternative means living a lie - a lie that may be discovered when DC is older with devastating ramifications for DC and the family. I have lived it. I mean this in the most gentle way, but do often wonder if when parents make the decision to keep this information about their child's identity whether they are really trying to protect their child or whether they are really protecting themselves and perhaps have not been able to really accept the decisions they made to use DE or DS so it is jut easier to pretend it didn't happen. PP is right, there are so many studies - you can find them on the Internet - showing that children conceived with donor sperm or egg are not negatively affected if they grow up in a loving, supportive environment where discussion about their origins is not taboo, hidden or somehow discouraged.

You come across as a very harsh person. I'm pretty sure parents are worried abut their child. I'm in the same shoes and am torn only because can't even imagine how hurtful other people's comments might be for a DE child, especially when we already have a child with my own egg. I also come from another culture who is not as open and for you to say that this is parents' selfishness is pretty judgemental.