Working parents: how do you have the energy to do it all?

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP. I'm old with nearly adult children, but #3 was how I survived. I sometimes feel immense guilt about it (the Xmas cards etc) so it's good to know I'm not the only one. It is (mostly) incredibly freeing.

Anonymous wrote:Okay - working mom of 3 (6, 4, 1) here.

1) Almost all of us are exhausted most of the time. You’re not weird, and I doubt anything is wrong with you.

2) 18 months is hard. It’ll get easier every year.

3) No one is doing “it all.” Make sure you’re cutting corners, it’s the only way to stay sane. I have given up on the following things: Christmas cards, thank you cards (I text), washing sheets more than every three or four weeks, wearing cute outfits, doing my hair in any way that takes more than 3 mins, showering daily (it’s every other day now unless I’m sweaty), shaving my legs in winter, anything in the category of “redecorating” and probably about 294729 other things that are just objectively less important than staying sane, doing a decent job at work, and raising my kids well. And these things don’t even bother me. It’s honestly freeing.

4) You need breaks from the grind. My husband and I aim to each take a chunk of time completely off from childcare responsibilities most weekends. The other parent is 100% in charge during that time. Today, I slept until 10am and then laid in bed and watched bed TV and played on my phone until noon while he was in charge of the kids. This evening, I took care of the kids, did bath time, dinner time and bedtime solo, and my husband went to a movie with friends. To repeat: this is not a once in a while thing. It’s nearly every weekend, and it’s CRITICAL for staying sane. We also try to each take one or two weekday evenings off per month to have dinner with friends or go to a happy hour or show or something. Additional advantage: while taking care of all the kids solo for long stretches can be challenging, it also makes all the other times, when your spouse is there, seem easier.

5) Can we dig in more on your evening routine? Kids in bed by 8, great. Cleaning, etc, sure. But then 20 mins later you’re asleep? Something here isn’t adding up. Are your cleaning/evening chores taking more than 45 mins or an hour? Each? Every night? Then see #3. You’re doing too much and need to cut way back or simplify or something. We might be able to give you tips if you can tell us some of the time sucks there. Otherwise - does that mean you’re falling asleep at 9pm? What time are you getting up??

Assuming you’re up around 7, you should be able to be asleep around 11, getting ready for bed around 10:30, which should mean you have from 8:30-10:30 to yourself just about every night. Provide more detail as to what’s going on here. My suspicion is you are spending a lot of time in the evenings on screens, which isn’t awful sometimes, but if it’s robbing you of all your evening free time, you’ve gotta restructure your habits/routines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

What working adult can sleep in til 7??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay - working mom of 3 (6, 4, 1) here.

1) Almost all of us are exhausted most of the time. You’re not weird, and I doubt anything is wrong with you.

2) 18 months is hard. It’ll get easier every year.

3) No one is doing “it all.” Make sure you’re cutting corners, it’s the only way to stay sane. I have given up on the following things: Christmas cards, thank you cards (I text), washing sheets more than every three or four weeks, wearing cute outfits, doing my hair in any way that takes more than 3 mins, showering daily (it’s every other day now unless I’m sweaty), shaving my legs in winter, anything in the category of “redecorating” and probably about 294729 other things that are just objectively less important than staying sane, doing a decent job at work, and raising my kids well. And these things don’t even bother me. It’s honestly freeing.

4) You need breaks from the grind. My husband and I aim to each take a chunk of time completely off from childcare responsibilities most weekends. The other parent is 100% in charge during that time. Today, I slept until 10am and then laid in bed and watched bed TV and played on my phone until noon while he was in charge of the kids. This evening, I took care of the kids, did bath time, dinner time and bedtime solo, and my husband went to a movie with friends. To repeat: this is not a once in a while thing. It’s nearly every weekend, and it’s CRITICAL for staying sane. We also try to each take one or two weekday evenings off per month to have dinner with friends or go to a happy hour or show or something. Additional advantage: while taking care of all the kids solo for long stretches can be challenging, it also makes all the other times, when your spouse is there, seem easier.

5) Can we dig in more on your evening routine? Kids in bed by 8, great. Cleaning, etc, sure. But then 20 mins later you’re asleep? Something here isn’t adding up. Are your cleaning/evening chores taking more than 45 mins or an hour? Each? Every night? Then see #3. You’re doing too much and need to cut way back or simplify or something. We might be able to give you tips if you can tell us some of the time sucks there. Otherwise - does that mean you’re falling asleep at 9pm? What time are you getting up??

Assuming you’re up around 7, you should be able to be asleep around 11, getting ready for bed around 10:30, which should mean you have from 8:30-10:30 to yourself just about every night. Provide more detail as to what’s going on here. My suspicion is you are spending a lot of time in the evenings on screens, which isn’t awful sometimes, but if it’s robbing you of all your evening free time, you’ve gotta restructure your habits/routines.

It’s this. You decide what things you’re not doing in the service of the things that you are. My house is clean, because we have a cleaner, but routinely messy and cluttered. I no longer make elaborate as I used to. My exercise routine involves what I can do with my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think working from home can actually be more tiring sometimes, like you can’t shut off the “home brain”

As a fed who used to be allowed to work from home but who now has to be in the office every day, I can assure you that commuting to the office is way more exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think working from home can actually be more tiring sometimes, like you can’t shut off the “home brain”

As a fed who used to be allowed to work from home but who now has to be in the office every day, I can assure you that commuting to the office is way more exhausting.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only had 1 child. I knew my bandwidth.

There are so many benefits to having one child, I think there's a lot more understanding the last few years.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone that age especially 18 months is exhausting and it does get less demanding when you don't have to watch them like a nonstop and they have fewer nonstop needs.

There are probably differences with some of these other families. Do you have any WFH days? Even some hybrid is a lot of saved hours from commuting and the ability to toss in a load of laundry etc instead of it all being saved for the night.

On the "life admin" can you do some of it during the workday? A lot of people multitask during some of those long conference calls etc.

Re cleaning, agree we have a cleaning person every 2 weeks but apart from actual food mess etc like cleaning up the kitchen daily we just let a lot go. I feel less fazed by various piles that build up from time to time. There's a balance.

On all the outsourcing, remember it's a phase so a certain expense or level of spend like instacart groceries doesn't have to go on forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

What working adult can sleep in til 7??

Haha

I have never had to be up earlier than 6:30 as a working adult, 7 often worked. In MCPS elementary schools start at 9 or later so parents are often on a later morning schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

What working adult can sleep in til 7??

Haha

I have never had to be up earlier than 6:30 as a working adult, 7 often worked. In MCPS elementary schools start at 9 or later so parents are often on a later morning schedule.

Me either - 7 am is the earliest. Streamlining getting-ready routine as much as possible can help (i.e. bring/keep some make up at work), shower/do hair night before), nothing but getting yourself/child if needed out the door priority.

[Anonymous]

Caveat that I only have one child and he’s older and independent, but I find getting up earlier and doing things like dishwasher laundry vacuuming leaves me with more energy at the end of the day. I’m a teacher so I tend to be really tired in the evening and want to do as little as possible

[Anonymous]

I do not come home from work on Wednesday. I run all my errands and go to the gym or meet friends out.

I go to lunch with friends 2x a week, I pack lunch and eat at my desk 3 days and pay bills/meal plan.

I work out Saturday mornings and one morning before work. I walk during my kids practice.

My H does morning routine, I get to work early. I do pickup except Wednesdays.

I only cook M/T/W, left overs on Th, order in on F. H cooks Sunday.

I nap in the afternoon when the kids nap or have “quiet time” and read.

I have a cleaning person 2x a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

What working adult can sleep in til 7??

Someone has to be the late parent.

I personally am the early parent. I’m at work by 6:30-7am so yes I go to bed at 9-10.

I’m home by 4 … do kids pickup at 3:30-4.

Haha

I have never had to be up earlier than 6:30 as a working adult, 7 often worked. In MCPS elementary schools start at 9 or later so parents are often on a later morning schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

What working adult can sleep in til 7??

Haha

I have never had to be up earlier than 6:30 as a working adult, 7 often worked. In MCPS elementary schools start at 9 or later so parents are often on a later morning schedule.

Me either - 7 am is the earliest. Streamlining getting-ready routine as much as possible can help (i.e. bring/keep some make up at work), shower/do hair night before), nothing but getting yourself/child if needed out the door priority.

Someone has to be the late parent.

I personally am the early parent. I’m at work by 6:30-7am so yes I go to bed at 9-10.

I’m home by 4 … do kids pickup at 3:30-4.

[Anonymous]

I felt this, kept a very consistent daily workout routine which helped my sanity/overwhelm, but not a cure-all for feeling exhausted necessarily. I also WFH, and made it a priority to fit in a workout wherever I could, and it wasn’t at 5am (often it was whenever I had a break from meetings or some days it was lifting weights, treadmill or stationary bike workout while listening into a conference call). 18 months is TOUGH! Once your youngest hits K or 1st, it will be so much easier.

[Anonymous]

WFH in a flexible job. I do “life admin” and laundry during the workday. I workout or do any errands right after daycare dropoff (which is split with my husband) then get started working. We outsourced cleaning and lawn care. No formal activities until my kids are 3-4. They’re in daycare and preschool, they get plenty of socialization and structure.

It’s still all tiring but I do my best not to make it worse.