Working parents: how do you have the energy to do it all?

[Anonymous]

I WFH full-time; have two kids (DS 5, DD 18 mos), and I just feel exhausted all the time! Neither kid is especially over scheduled (DS has soccer one week night a week, and baseball a weekend morning, DD has my gym), and I don’t think either kid is particularly difficult, DH is a pretty equal partner. When the kids go to bed (usually by 8), DH and I take care of any admin work/cleaning, and then maybe I can stay awake for like 15-20 minutes before passing out. I’m seeing friends who are in similar situations, and are working out multiple days a week, going out with friends, having hobbies, and I just can’t figure out how they have the energy. I don’t think it’s a health issue (I eat healthy, try to exercise every so often), but could that be it?

[Anonymous]

Hire a cleaning person for once every other week. It'll make a bigger difference than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Normal but it gets better in about 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal but it gets better in about 15 years.

Not really. I have a 21 yr old and I’m exhausted. Peri menopause and menopause aren’t fun.

OP- have you had your thyroid tested? Mine went south around age 40. Or maybe get tested for sleep apnea.

[Anonymous]

I was just like you. It’s okay. You’re in an exhausting stage of life and most parents are in the same boat with very young children. It was just kids, work, kids, household tasks and then pass out from exhaustion.

Fast forward to all my kids being school age…6, 9 & 12. I up at 5 am to swim laps 2-3 x a week, yoga also a few times a week, decided to learn a new instrument.

You will eventually hit your stride with parenting, have older and more independent children, and sleep better without night time wake ups, and night time potty training. It will eventually happen for you.

[Anonymous]

Gets better when the little one is 4/5. It becomes less physical. Then we started more activities. DH sleeps 6 hrs a night and is fine so he works out in the am at 5. I need way more sleep so I get up at 7 with the kids. We also stopped dividing the kids. So one parent does both kid bedtimes/activities and the other gets a full evening to do something etc.

[Anonymous]

You are in an exhausting phase. It will get easier each year. It did for me, anyway. I had very active little boys with no sense of fear and the toddler years were physically demanding and exhausting in a way nothing else has been.

[Anonymous]

If you’re mid-40s+ don’t underestimate perimenopause. Energy dips, sleep issues, etc. May want to get a physical but try get enough sleep, eat well, move, same old recs. There with you.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier physically but then harder emotionally when they hit adolescence. I didn’t sleep much when my son got his license.

[Anonymous]

In the words of Ron Funches: “I don’t; I am tired all the time. I take a nap if I can.”

[Anonymous]

Looking back, I don’t know how I did it. But just take it day by day and decline things you don’t need/really want to do.

[Anonymous]

I have observed that my many neighbors with young children between the ages of newborn and eight all have a fuk ton of hired help — and they don’t seem exhausted. One family with the 8 mo old and 3 yr old has: a day nanny, an occasional weekend day nanny, 4 healthy mobile local grandparents who relieve the day nanny at 6 a few times a week. An occasional overnight/ sleep training nanny.

The other family with a 4 and 7 yr old has a driving nanny who does housework amd walks the dog before picking up kids from school and taking them to activities and starting dinner. They also have daily EXTRA dog walker, lawn people, cleaning people. 532 door dash deliveries every single day

You get the idea. A different household has a dog nanny that picks up the dog every day and drives him to the farm and drives him back to DC. This house has no nanny though and leans into after care.

Oh and all of these households have one wager that works from home and another that goes into the office most days

[Anonymous]

Okay - working mom of 3 (6, 4, 1) here.

1) Almost all of us are exhausted most of the time. You’re not weird, and I doubt anything is wrong with you.

2) 18 months is hard. It’ll get easier every year.

3) No one is doing “it all.” Make sure you’re cutting corners, it’s the only way to stay sane. I have given up on the following things: Christmas cards, thank you cards (I text), washing sheets more than every three or four weeks, wearing cute outfits, doing my hair in any way that takes more than 3 mins, showering daily (it’s every other day now unless I’m sweaty), shaving my legs in winter, anything in the category of “redecorating” and probably about 294729 other things that are just objectively less important than staying sane, doing a decent job at work, and raising my kids well. And these things don’t even bother me. It’s honestly freeing.

4) You need breaks from the grind. My husband and I aim to each take a chunk of time completely off from childcare responsibilities most weekends. The other parent is 100% in charge during that time. Today, I slept until 10am and then laid in bed and watched bed TV and played on my phone until noon while he was in charge of the kids. This evening, I took care of the kids, did bath time, dinner time and bedtime solo, and my husband went to a movie with friends. To repeat: this is not a once in a while thing. It’s nearly every weekend, and it’s CRITICAL for staying sane. We also try to each take one or two weekday evenings off per month to have dinner with friends or go to a happy hour or show or something. Additional advantage: while taking care of all the kids solo for long stretches can be challenging, it also makes all the other times, when your spouse is there, seem easier.

5) Can we dig in more on your evening routine? Kids in bed by 8, great. Cleaning, etc, sure. But then 20 mins later you’re asleep? Something here isn’t adding up. Are your cleaning/evening chores taking more than 45 mins or an hour? Each? Every night? Then see #3. You’re doing too much and need to cut way back or simplify or something. We might be able to give you tips if you can tell us some of the time sucks there. Otherwise - does that mean you’re falling asleep at 9pm? What time are you getting up??

Assuming you’re up around 7, you should be able to be asleep around 11, getting ready for bed around 10:30, which should mean you have from 8:30-10:30 to yourself just about every night. Provide more detail as to what’s going on here. My suspicion is you are spending a lot of time in the evenings on screens, which isn’t awful sometimes, but if it’s robbing you of all your evening free time, you’ve gotta restructure your habits/routines.

[Anonymous]

Wait what time are you actually going to sleep? 9pm? that’s too early for an adult! We sleep 11-7. Sometimes 10:30. (I wake at 7:30)

We definitely clean and work for 2 hours after kids go to sleep. But yeah, life is hard and not easy. I’m dying to come home to a cooked meal. Neither of us telework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal but it gets better in about 15 years.

Not really. I have a 21 yr old and I’m exhausted. Peri menopause and menopause aren’t fun.

OP- have you had your thyroid tested? Mine went south around age 40. Or maybe get tested for sleep apnea.

+1. Mine are teens and using their big teen words to express their frustration and disapproval of my exhaustion.