Grad Party- invite SIL or not?

[Anonymous]

Don’t invite SIL.
The end move on.

[Anonymous]

Why are you even having this party 1800 miles away?

I have a kid graduating next year and I even know not that many people care besides us actual parents.

My parents are in their eighties. My dad should be in a nursing home but he would rather die at home. He has around the clock care but there are many gaps and my brother fills in. Over the years, my brother has had outbursts at me for not helping. I live hundreds of miles away with three children. I fully appreciate and will take any criticisms.

Don’t invite the SIL. Op, you should be more grateful to your brother. I would just invite the brother and be vague about the SIL. Hopefully she doesn’t like you either and no shows.

[Anonymous]

Yeah so…are you ready to apologize to Judy?

Your daughter’s party isn’t exciting to her or a privilege to score an invite to. If you invite your brother and not her, your brother will not attend and everything that’s been said about you in the family chat you’re not part of will be proven right. Hand Judy the win and show what a boor you are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even having this party 1800 miles away?

I have a kid graduating next year and I even know not that many people care besides us actual parents.

My parents are in their eighties. My dad should be in a nursing home but he would rather die at home. He has around the clock care but there are many gaps and my brother fills in. Over the years, my brother has had outbursts at me for not helping. I live hundreds of miles away with three children. I fully appreciate and will take any criticisms.

Don’t invite the SIL. Op, you should be more grateful to your brother. I would just invite the brother and be vague about the SIL. Hopefully she doesn’t like you either and no shows.

Be vague? No husband is going to a boring graduation party for a sister he doesn't much like if she snubs his wife. Again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even having this party 1800 miles away?

I have a kid graduating next year and I even know not that many people care besides us actual parents.

My parents are in their eighties. My dad should be in a nursing home but he would rather die at home. He has around the clock care but there are many gaps and my brother fills in. Over the years, my brother has had outbursts at me for not helping. I live hundreds of miles away with three children. I fully appreciate and will take any criticisms.

Don’t invite the SIL. Op, you should be more grateful to your brother. I would just invite the brother and be vague about the SIL. Hopefully she doesn’t like you either and no shows.

Be vague? No husband is going to a boring graduation party for a sister he doesn't much like if she snubs his wife. Again.

Pp here. It is a graduation party, not a wedding. I’m sure people will be coming and going. I feel the invited guests are looser for graduation parties. That is what I meant by vague. OP doesn’t have to specifically tell her brother his wife is NoT invited. That will cause drama and the brother likely would not come.

I have 3 kids. We are busy. We get invited to a lot of things. Often only one of us can go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re awful, OP.

Awful and beyond petty. Invite her so you don't look like a complete jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect your brother doesn't think there is a problem because you're exaggerating what your SIL has said. Maybe you're sensitive, so whatever she says will set you off.

Invite her or not, that's up to you, but I bet she isn't as nasty as you're making her out to be. What do your other siblings have to say? What about your husband?

Not exaggerating. Other siblings and my husband do not like her.

Fine, don't like her but know it makes you look like trailer trash to create drama and exclude her from this dumb party.

[Anonymous]

Just invite them. Take the high road for your daughter's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually going to side with the OP here. The SIL should have vented her frustrations to her husband and let him decide how much to say to his siblings (it's not even really clear if SIL was speaking on his behalf or if SIL resented his visiting more than he did). Texting the in-laws and cursing them out is never appropriate. If a husband did that on behalf of his wife doing too much to take care of parents, he'd seem deranged. I can understand why OP doesn't want to deal with the SIL, but she really should invite or not invite the spouses as a unit so it kind of depends how important it is to make her brother feel welcome to come.

1. Thank you, you get it, including the part about "If a husband did that..."
2. I've invited SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even having this party 1800 miles away?

I have a kid graduating next year and I even know not that many people care besides us actual parents.

My parents are in their eighties. My dad should be in a nursing home but he would rather die at home. He has around the clock care but there are many gaps and my brother fills in. Over the years, my brother has had outbursts at me for not helping. I live hundreds of miles away with three children. I fully appreciate and will take any criticisms.

Don’t invite the SIL. Op, you should be more grateful to your brother. I would just invite the brother and be vague about the SIL. Hopefully she doesn’t like you either and no shows.

Be vague? No husband is going to a boring graduation party for a sister he doesn't much like if she snubs his wife. Again.

Pp here. It is a graduation party, not a wedding. I’m sure people will be coming and going. I feel the invited guests are looser for graduation parties. That is what I meant by vague. OP doesn’t have to specifically tell her brother his wife is NoT invited. That will cause drama and the brother likely would not come.

I have 3 kids. We are busy. We get invited to a lot of things. Often only one of us can go.

It's 1800 miles away. They aren't casually dropping by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Judy. She was right about everything.

+1. She was not wrong that her husband is spending lots of time. She pointed out the obvious that you living far or working full time were not fully grasping.

It’s your daughter’s graduation party so of course you can invite whoever you want. But don’t expect your brother to come if his wife is specifically not invited.

If you invite both and given the drama and the relationship, there is a big chance he’d come on his own anyway. But if you specifically tell him she’s not invited, then you make it a choice between his wife and his sister, and choosing his sister will be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Judy. She was right about everything.

+1. She was not wrong that her husband is spending lots of time. She pointed out the obvious that you living far or working full time were not fully grasping.

It’s your daughter’s graduation party so of course you can invite whoever you want. But don’t expect your brother to come if his wife is specifically not invited.

If you invite both and given the drama and the relationship, there is a big chance he’d come on his own anyway. But if you specifically tell him she’s not invited, then you make it a choice between his wife and his sister, and choosing his sister will be problematic.

OP is apparently having a destination graduation party and holding it in her hometown where brother and SIL live. I've never heard of such a thing for a graduation but OP wants to be able to use it to snub Judy. Tackiness abounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You can’t invite brother and not his wife. If that’s your plan, you will implode your relationship with your brother. Cancel the party. Why are you having a grad party 1800 miles away? Your DD didn’t choose this.

We had a local grad party for our daughter where we live.

This is a party in the state I'm from and where most of my family lives. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins. We celebrate milestones like this together.

I've invited SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Judy.

Also, I think it's a bit ridiculous to hold a graduation party 1800 miles away. If you can do that, you could have flown home to help out. If I was your sibling, I'd be annoyed at an obvious money and attention grab. I can't even imagine the thought process here.

LOL. Since you assumed I didn't fly home to help out, I will correct you by telling you that I have flown home multiple times and spent 8 weeks living with and helping my parents over the past year.

My extended family lives there and we are happy to celebrate milestones in each other's lives together like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay so: Judy had a point. Are you ready to hear that and accept that? Now, I'll agree that it would have been better if ALEX was the one pushing back on you guys - you're right about that. But if the messenger had been Alex instead of Judy? Oh boy would they be right and you be wrong. Times, like, a thousand. And by far the most likely scenario is that Alex was actually not totally happy with everything and Judy was not the only naysayer, but that they BOTH disliked this plan, and Judy was the one who spoke up.

It is really, really unfair and presumptuous for the three siblings who either live far away or are busy with full time jobs to insist that eldercare be done in such a way that relies disproportionally on the remaining local sibling. Even when it is done out of an earnest belief that that's what's best for the elderly people in question. This is so, so common. The far away siblings are just trying to do what is best for their parents, and the nearby siblings are having to do way more than the far away siblings realize (even with 24/7 care - that's just the reality), plus everyone is struggling and grieving. It's HARD. On everyone. And let's be real - EVERYONE freaks out about bedbugs.

Now - if she really did curse at you, that is obviously totally unacceptable. But I think you should throw Alex a bone here. He loves her. He's grieving your father. His wife doesn't get along with his siblings. He's still dealing with your mother to some extent. You love him.

Before you decide on the invites, call Alex. Say something like "I'm still really hurt by how Judy behaved over the past year regarding Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. But I don't want to be a wedge in this family, and I love you and want to stay close to you. And if we did expect too much from you with regards to Mom and Dad's care, I'm sorry about that. And I hope if you feel that way in the future, you will come to me, not Judy. However, I would appreciate an apology from Judy for calling me a motherf*cker. That was way out of line, and I don't think I'll be able to get past it without an apology" and see what he says. Especially given that, as you say "Alex doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her and why I do not want to be around her" - that, to me, says you guys haven't had a real, honest conversation about this since tempers cooled.

If you have that conversation with Alex, and no apology is forthcoming from Judy, I think it's okay to not invite her, but you need to recognize that this will have a negative impact on your relationship with Alex. Right or wrong, that's just reality. So make sure that's a trade off you're willing to make.

But I think by opening a conversation with Alex, you may be able to get an apology, make your peace with Judy, let go of the anger, and mend the fence a bit. It’s at least worth a phone call.

I'm so sorry about your father. Good luck with your mom.

If Alex had been the one to push back, the outcome would have been different sooner. I am not sure if the readers are understanding that when my brothers and I made decisions about my parents' care, it was unanimous. It was not "too bad, majority rules." If either of my 2 local brothers would have said "hey there's no way we can do this" then different decisions would have been made. We would never force that on each other.

I think having the type of convo you mentioned with Alex is a good idea.
Thank you for your condolences.
Judy is already invited.