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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Okay so: Judy had a point. Are you ready to hear that and accept that? Now, I'll agree that it would have been better if ALEX was the one pushing back on you guys - you're right about that. But if the messenger had been Alex instead of Judy? Oh boy would they be right and you be wrong. Times, like, a thousand. And by far the most likely scenario is that Alex was actually not totally happy with everything and Judy was not the only naysayer, but that they BOTH disliked this plan, and Judy was the one who spoke up.

It is really, really unfair and presumptuous for the three siblings who either live far away or are busy with full time jobs to insist that eldercare be done in such a way that relies disproportionally on the remaining local sibling. Even when it is done out of an earnest belief that that's what's best for the elderly people in question. This is so, so common. The far away siblings are just trying to do what is best for their parents, and the nearby siblings are having to do way more than the far away siblings realize (even with 24/7 care - that's just the reality), plus everyone is struggling and grieving. It's HARD. On everyone. And let's be real - EVERYONE freaks out about bedbugs.

Now - if she really did curse at you, that is obviously totally unacceptable. But I think you should throw Alex a bone here. He loves her. He's grieving your father. His wife doesn't get along with his siblings. He's still dealing with your mother to some extent. You love him.

Before you decide on the invites, call Alex. Say something like "I'm still really hurt by how Judy behaved over the past year regarding Mom and Dad. I don't know if I'll ever truly get over it. But I don't want to be a wedge in this family, and I love you and want to stay close to you. And if we did expect too much from you with regards to Mom and Dad's care, I'm sorry about that. And I hope if you feel that way in the future, you will come to me, not Judy. However, I would appreciate an apology from Judy for calling me a motherf*cker. That was way out of line, and I don't think I'll be able to get past it without an apology" and see what he says. Especially given that, as you say "Alex doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her and why I do not want to be around her" - that, to me, says you guys haven't had a real, honest conversation about this since tempers cooled.

If you have that conversation with Alex, and no apology is forthcoming from Judy, I think it's okay to not invite her, but you need to recognize that this will have a negative impact on your relationship with Alex. Right or wrong, that's just reality. So make sure that's a trade off you're willing to make.

But I think by opening a conversation with Alex, you may be able to get an apology, make your peace with Judy, let go of the anger, and mend the fence a bit. It’s at least worth a phone call.

I'm so sorry about your father. Good luck with your mom. [/quote]

If Alex had been the one to push back, the outcome would have been different sooner.  I am not sure if the readers are understanding that when my brothers and I made decisions about my parents' care, it was unanimous.  It was not "too bad, majority rules."  If either of my 2 local brothers would have said "hey there's no way we can do this" then different decisions would have been made.  We would never force that on each other.

I think having the type of convo you mentioned with Alex is a good idea.  
Thank you for your condolences.  
Judy is already invited.  [/quote]

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