Grad Party- invite SIL or not?

[Anonymous]

I was with you until you said you live 1800 miles away.
Without your brothers doing the heavy lifting, would you have still left your parents in their home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect your brother doesn't think there is a problem because you're exaggerating what your SIL has said. Maybe you're sensitive, so whatever she says will set you off.

Invite her or not, that's up to you, but I bet she isn't as nasty as you're making her out to be. What do your other siblings have to say? What about your husband?

Not exaggerating. Other siblings and my husband do not like her.

[Anonymous]

You and the other siblings left her and your brother to do the hard work of caring for/overseeing your parents. While there was care 24/7 at their home, that still required family to oversee that care, fill in gaps when a caretaker was sick or late or quit. You brother and SIL were taking your parents to appointments and it sounds like you brother was the only sibling visiting your parents regularly. Your SIL called you all out on it and you resent her for it. That doesn’t make her wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think Judy was right too and it was ok for her to voice her frustration. It would be mature to invite her but not if you are blaming her for something that is not her fault. You can't see clearly so just leave her be, chances are she might feel your family's irrational judgment and not want to go either. I would have been upset about my in laws dealing with bed bugs too, especially if my spouse's siblings had been dragging their feet about putting them in assisted living.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny how you say it was Alex’s choice but then say Alex was asked to do things. How much choice was really involved to do the work you didn’t want to do? And nobody is dying to come to your kids graduation party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you said you live 1800 miles away.
Without your brothers doing the heavy lifting, would you have still left your parents in their home?

+1 Judy had a different experience because her DH was the one putting in the hours to the detriment of other things. She doesn't get the be the decision maker but she can express her feelings. Probably it should have stayed between her and her DH but she was frustrated and these situations are really hard.

You are grieving and struggling with a very hard situation too and it seems like it's easier to just take it all out on Judy.

Barring some very extreme circumstance, I don't see how in a family you can just invite one person and not their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Judy.

OP, the tone of your post sounds like you probably didnt entertain differing opinions on care and proceeded with your choice, giving your SIL and brother little choice in the matter. Hence the resentment. I’ve seen this happen.

The world does not revolve around just the elderly parents. It isn’t fair to the next generations. You have to be reasonable in care choices. In this case, why wasn’t a nursing home considered?

Hypothetically if your brother had pulled back and didn’t visit, you’d be complaining and saying his wife was keeping him from his family, right? You put them in an impossible situation.

This was not a unilateral decision and a nursing home was definitely considered. My 3 brothers and I discussed the care options multiple times. In June 2025 we 4 siblings decided on 24/7 professional caregivers at home. We had 24 hour coverage. Alex chose to go over as often as he did. In March 2026 money was running out, mom & dad were harder to care for, and Alex being over there often was straining his marriage. So we put them in the nursing home where Alex still visits mom frequently.

[Anonymous]

Act like a grown up and invite your SIL. You might not like her, but the fact is that she was/is on the ground in the oversight of your parent’s care. Taking care of elderly with dementia is tough and it affected her life negatively as well. Be grateful. It doesn’t cost you much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until you said you live 1800 miles away.
Without your brothers doing the heavy lifting, would you have still left your parents in their home?

Yes, if I could afford it I would have kept my parents at home. My parents had 24 hr professional caregivers and other outsourcing to handle the load. They were receiving better care than a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and the other siblings left her and your brother to do the hard work of caring for/overseeing your parents. While there was care 24/7 at their home, that still required family to oversee that care, fill in gaps when a caretaker was sick or late or quit. You brother and SIL were taking your parents to appointments and it sounds like you brother was the only sibling visiting your parents regularly. Your SIL called you all out on it and you resent her for it. That doesn’t make her wrong.

I did the scheduling of caregivers, handled call offs when people were sick/late. I had a great agency and private caregivers and I could close the gap 99% of the time with another caregiver, if not, I would call my other adult family members, 2 brothers or a friend and someone would come through, thankfully. That is what my family does.

My parents were both on hospice since June 2025 so there were no more outside doctor appointments for the past year. Brother 1 is retired. Brother 2 visited regularly around his full time work schedule. I am fully aware that brother 1 did more but if it was causing problems with his wife, he should have let us siblings know "hey this isn't working for me anymore". We thought everything was fine until SIL started texting us her complaints and calling us m-f'ers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how you say it was Alex’s choice but then say Alex was asked to do things. How much choice was really involved to do the work you didn’t want to do? And nobody is dying to come to your kids graduation party.

Alex was asked and he said yes. He could have said no and I would have asked someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and the other siblings left her and your brother to do the hard work of caring for/overseeing your parents. While there was care 24/7 at their home, that still required family to oversee that care, fill in gaps when a caretaker was sick or late or quit. You brother and SIL were taking your parents to appointments and it sounds like you brother was the only sibling visiting your parents regularly. Your SIL called you all out on it and you resent her for it. That doesn’t make her wrong.

I did the scheduling of caregivers, handled call offs when people were sick/late. I had a great agency and private caregivers and I could close the gap 99% of the time with another caregiver, if not, I would call my other adult family members, 2 brothers or a friend and someone would come through, thankfully. That is what my family does.

My parents were both on hospice since June 2025 so there were no more outside doctor appointments for the past year. Brother 1 is retired. Brother 2 visited regularly around his full time work schedule. I am fully aware that brother 1 did more but if it was causing problems with his wife, he should have let us siblings know "hey this isn't working for me anymore". We thought everything was fine until SIL started texting us her complaints and calling us m-f'ers.

So you're mad your brother is a doormat and his wife took you to task? He knows what she was doing and let her do the dirty work. And she got her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s funny how you say it was Alex’s choice but then say Alex was asked to do things. How much choice was really involved to do the work you didn’t want to do? And nobody is dying to come to your kids graduation party.

Alex was asked and he said yes. He could have said no and I would have asked someone else.

You would have asked someone else? Why didn't your lazy ass go and do it yourself? Or put them in a home the way SIL wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team Judy.

OP, the tone of your post sounds like you probably didnt entertain differing opinions on care and proceeded with your choice, giving your SIL and brother little choice in the matter. Hence the resentment. I’ve seen this happen.

The world does not revolve around just the elderly parents. It isn’t fair to the next generations. You have to be reasonable in care choices. In this case, why wasn’t a nursing home considered?

Hypothetically if your brother had pulled back and didn’t visit, you’d be complaining and saying his wife was keeping him from his family, right? You put them in an impossible situation.

This was not a unilateral decision and a nursing home was definitely considered. My 3 brothers and I discussed the care options multiple times. In June 2025 we 4 siblings decided on 24/7 professional caregivers at home. We had 24 hour coverage. Alex chose to go over as often as he did. In March 2026 money was running out, mom & dad were harder to care for, and Alex being over there often was straining his marriage. So we put them in the nursing home where Alex still visits mom frequently.

Your SIL should have been part of the decision making because while her husband is doing all this work for you and your brothers, she paid the price at home by picking up his slack. What was in that for her?

[Anonymous]

It's clear you have no idea how it feels to be the "in-town" caregiver. And also, you don't care. Your lack of empathy means you probably don't want a relationship with your brother and his wife any more.

You're being unreasonable. But also, why would you invite people you clearly hate to your party?