Grad Party- invite SIL or not?

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06/11/2026 16:59

Subject: Grad Party- invite SIL or not?

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Anonymous

We are having a graduation party for my daughter in July in my hometown where most of my relatives live.
I have 3 brothers. I'm the only sister. I do not want to invite my brother Alex's wife Judy to the party. Long story for context.

Alex & Judy have been married for 2 years. Our parents are in their 90s and both have dementia and lived at home with caregivers 24/7 since June 2025. Since October, Judy has lashed out via texts to my 3 brothers and me regarding Alex spending too much time over there helping our parents (by his choice) and how our decision to keep our parents in their own home instead of a nursing home has affected her life whenever Alex was asked to help with something. She also lashed out saying we are in denial about the care that our parents need and they belong in a nursing home even though we had set up 24 hour caregivers for our parents. She was mad because of the time that Alex spent with them at their house. Alex is retired. Brother 2 lives locally and works full time. Brother 3 lives 300 miles away. I live 1500 miles away.

In February, bedbugs were found in our parents' home and Judy freaked out that Alex would bring them home to their house and to her grandchildren's house where she babysits. She told my brother he was forbidden to go to my parents house anymore. She texted my 3 brothers and I and called us all mother-f'ers because she said had we put mom & dad in a nursing home last summer, this would have never happened! We had the house treated professionally for bedbugs. Alex and Judy’s house and her son's house were inspected by an exterminator and no bedbugs were found.

Our parents' dementia worsened and we made the hardest choice of our lives by putting them in a nursing home together in March. Our dad was very combative with the staff and subsequently heavily medicated. He fell the first 2 nights he was there. He never recovered and died 2 weeks later in the nursing home under hospice care. Our mother is still there.

I told Alex the day before dad's funeral that I do not plan to interact with Judy so don't even come near me with her at the funeral. I have nothing to say to her. She has been toxic to our family.

I do not want to see her at my daughter's graduation party and do not want to invite her. Is that a bad decision? Alex doesn't understand why I'm so upset with her and why I do not want to be around her. I have a feeling that if I don't invite Judy, she is going to give my brother hell if he comes to the party without her and he might not even show up if she’s not invited. I have always got along with my brother. Judy is a piece of work.

I told Judy that if she has issues with the amount of time my brother spends with our parents, now just my mom, she needs to work that out with him. Don’t come yelling at us siblings on your text rants.

So--do I invite Judy to keep the peace between her and my brother? Why should I invite her to a party when I don't even want to speak to her and she disgusts me? My husband and daughter will back me up. Brother #3 feels like I do. Brother #2 dislikes her but I don't know if he'd exclude her from the guest list. I just want to invite my brother without her. Is it wrong to not invite the spouse even if they’ve been nasty to the family and knowing her, it will likely cause problems between her and my brother if he goes without her?