Grandparents don't want to see grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. My child is my parents' life now. They are retired (and thankfully in good health) and also live 90 minutes away by car. We see them at least every two weeks. We go there for the weekend, or they come here and keep my daughter out of daycare, cook, do laundry. We couldn't do it without them, and honestly, my daughter has added such joy to their lives.

Something else must be going on. I am thinking maybe your mom's condition is worse than she is letting on? OP, while I do feel sorry for you and your kids, it is your parents who I really feel sorry for. I hate to think they will regret this one day. Just from watching my parents, I can't WAIT to be a grand parent! They have so much more patience now, and time. It is a wonderful thing and your parents are missing out, plain and simple.

PP, You're very fortunate not to understand this at all. I'd give anything to be in your parents' situation. I couldn't wait to be a grandparent either, but it certainly didn't pan out the way I thought it would. The "something else going on" is that my DIL has anxiety/OCD problems that make her extremely fearful for her kids, so she's hugely overprotective. A self-described "control freak," though she doesn't seem inclined to do anything about it. DS seems to be so focused on trying to keep her intact that he doesn't grasp the overall picture. My disappointment is the least of it - both kids are pretty anxious themselves, and the 3yo already has OCD symptoms.

You never know what The Great Slot Machine of Life will give you.

I agree that the OP's mother sounds mentally ill. But not everything that's broken can be fixed. Sorry, I'm having a kind of pessimistic day.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that is so sad for you. It's an hour and half drive, then I would just drive there one day and pop in, say - can we take you to lunch, or go to the park w/ grandchild? Oh how I wish I lived that close to my parent's and even my in-laws (gasp - I know). We'd see them every weekend or so, I'm sure. Good luck - hopefully popping in will work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I so sorry you're in this sad situation. It must be heartbreaking. I would take to heart, though, the messages from posters who've emphasized the physical and mental limitations of your parents. (The chronic pain poster was particularly insightful.) From what you say, they really do love your children. It's very different from the experiences of posters whose parents just can't be bothered and don't show any real interest in their grandchildren. If you can find compassion for your parents-- and imagine that they are probably heartbroken by their limitations as well-- it will go a long way to warding off your resentment and hurt.

My MIL has Alzheimer's. Before anyone recognized it for what it was, she had withdrawn from going out or engaging a lot. Turns out that she was fearful of going out because she knew she often got confused or lost or feared that she would fall down. No one knew about her confusion or her resulting fear. Only in retrospect did her behavior make more sense.

I don't think most of us young and healthy people have any idea how it feels to age with poor health, and how fragile and fearful it can make a person feel. The posters who suggest the grandparents should be motivated enough to overcome their anxiety are not very knowledgeable about this kind of thing, I'm afraid.

You've gotten good suggestions about perhaps doing some short, impromptu visits. I would also encourage you to investigate your parents health more and learn more about aging, chronic pain, etc. It might provide some additional insight and tips for making the most of your relationship with your parents. You may even want to plan a short trip just yourself, without the children, to check in with your parents, visit, and learn more about their situation. You probably haven't had any one-on-one time with them in a long time, and it could be very productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. My child is my parents' life now. They are retired (and thankfully in good health) and also live 90 minutes away by car. We see them at least every two weeks. We go there for the weekend, or they come here and keep my daughter out of daycare, cook, do laundry. We couldn't do it without them, and honestly, my daughter has added such joy to their lives.

Something else must be going on. I am thinking maybe your mom's condition is worse than she is letting on? OP, while I do feel sorry for you and your kids, it is your parents who I really feel sorry for. I hate to think they will regret this one day. Just from watching my parents, I can't WAIT to be a grand parent! They have so much more patience now, and time. It is a wonderful thing and your parents are missing out, plain and simple.

PP, You're very fortunate not to understand this at all. I'd give anything to be in your parents' situation. I couldn't wait to be a grandparent either, but it certainly didn't pan out the way I thought it would. The "something else going on" is that my DIL has anxiety/OCD problems that make her extremely fearful for her kids, so she's hugely overprotective. A self-described "control freak," though she doesn't seem inclined to do anything about it. DS seems to be so focused on trying to keep her intact that he doesn't grasp the overall picture. My disappointment is the least of it - both kids are pretty anxious themselves, and the 3yo already has OCD symptoms.

You never know what The Great Slot Machine of Life will give you.

I agree that the OP's mother sounds mentally ill. But not everything that's broken can be fixed. Sorry, I'm having a kind of pessimistic day.

Can you be my Mother In Law? Mine has no interest in my kids and lives 30min away, it really hurts my husband that his own parents are so wrapped up in themselves that they have no inclination to get to know their beautiful grandsons. I think we need to have a inlaw adoption service.

[Anonymous]

PP - LOVE the idea of an IL adoption service! MIL has time for anything else but her youngest grandchildren. Truly sad for her.

Let's brainstorm here, seriously. How could the IL adoption be implemented? Somewhat like the big brothers/big sisters idea? There are plenty of older people who would LOVE to spend time with beautiful, innocent, fun little ones! Plenty of older people who are not cold, miserable, selfish....

Just think of how terrible the rotten IL's were as parents!

[Anonymous]

My mom has not seen our daughter since she was a week old, she is now two and a half. She came to "help" when DD was born and did not enjoy the experience, after that no matter how many times I ask her to come she does not take us up on the offer, paid plane ticked and all, one hour flight from Chicago.

MIL, on the other hand, who is ten years older than my mom and lives in Germany, flies here for two weeks twice a year to see DD.

This has given me a whole new appreciation for MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't discount the chronic pain comment of the OP. Chronic pain sucks the life out of you. I know, I have it, (due to neurological disease). It is extremely difficult for others to understand what you are going through, since alot of times those with chronic pain don't look sick. So then you withdraw from everyone. And you don't want to be a burden or seem like you can't do anything, so you feel guilty (and don't want to concede that they should stay in a hotel, for instance). The fear of causing a major flare up by changing one thing about your routine (e.g. from having guests) causes major anxiety. This anxiety may or may not be justifiable - maybe there is a good chance that she will have to be laid up in pain for 2 days after they leave. Fear of the future leads to anxiety. Anxiety causes more pain. The thought of her grandkids seeing her in pain may also make her depressed. This is the reality of what a person with chronic pain goes through each and every day.

I would suggest to the OP that she try and figure out what challenges your mother is dealing with on a day to day basis, and the burdens she has.

Ditto this. I don't have chronic pain myself; this is what I've heard from other people. OP, I hope that if you can make a one-hour visit during a day trip, your mother will realize that it's not as difficult for her as she thought, and would be open to more such visits.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I were you, I'd find something child-friendly, fun and exciting close-ish to your parents. Let them know you'll be in the area for your visit to XYZ (a cool playground, kids' museum, etc.) and that you'd love to meet one or both of them for lunch/dinner while you're so close. "Unfortunately", you have to get back, so you won't be able to stay the night in the area.

If this isn't about them, then you don't set yourself, them, or DS up for this to be a big disappointment if things don't pan out. If you go and neither of them are willing/able to meet you, then for all DS knows, you just drove to a fun location. If only your father is able to meet you, then keeping it low-key allows your mother not to feel overly upset about the fact that she wasn't able to make it, and if they both decide to meet you for lunch, then it's in a neutral location where there's not prep work for your mother, there's a specific activity to keep everyone occupied, and they get to visit DS.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think that the person who really needs help right now is not you or your child but your mother. She is anxious, she is in pain, she is withdrawing into herself and her routines. She's taking your father with her, or he doesn't know how to step out of it. Your son will actually be fine regardless of how this shakes out as long as you are strong for him and show him that his grandparents love him. Your mother on the other hand sounds like she is in for a serious downhill slide and an unhappy old age. Can you imagine being so anxious that you couldn't figure out how to accept your child and grandchild as guests? I bet that this makes her feel confused and sad. So while I feel terrible for you that you are not getting the grandma experience you expected for your child, it seems obvious from your post that your mother (and maybe your father too) has gone to the stage of life where she needs to be cared for. She's the one to worry about. It's not fair that it happened so soon, but that's what you're describing.

Work with the family to get them some help. When your mother is more secure and has sufficient pain management, you might find her more accessible.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I'm the OP. Thank you all for your responses. I just found them now, having been working and busy all day. I need a little more time to take them in, but I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, well wishes, and experiences.

I agree that the chronic pain and anxiety are a (or maybe 'the') driving force. My mom has always been a loner, and when we grew up, she avoided having guests in the house, including our friends. I feel the pain and anxiety, plus maybe aging itself, are exacerbating her natural tendency to be a loner.

I just want to be clear that my mom, while not perfect and sometimes hurtful, is not a bi***. I love her very much, and that's why this hurts so much. The problem is not that they don't love our son but that every attempt of mine to arrange a visit is sidestepped, despite various efforts, plans, and attempts to have frank conversations about their situation. They are thrilled to speak with DS on the phone and to see pictures. They are too technologically challenged to Skype. I wish that would work, but knowing them, it would simply cause anxiety.

To clarify, the drive to their house is actually closer to 2-3 hours, and sometimes even more with traffic, but once we did make it in under 2 hours, which is why I optimistically said 1.5 hours. Staying just for the day is a good idea, but hard for various logistical reasons having to do with my son's nap, my mom's schedule, and traffic, etc. However, I am reconsidering this. Or telling them we are going up for another reason and arranging a visit at a restaurant. My mom cannot walk far -- it causes her great pain.

To the MIL who wants to see her grandchildren more...I'm so sorry for you too. I actually wonder if I know you, for a family I know has shut out the grandmother in the same way, and the few details you mention align with theirs. The words you wrote touched me very much. Thank you. You clearly have a lot to give.

So this sad situation happens both ways-- and all one can do is balance trying to make it better and taking care of yourself and your family. Easier said than done. Waaaay easier.

Whew...I guess I did write a lot. I was really moved. Thanks a lot everyone. DH is calling. He is putting clean sheets on the bed, which makes me feel so loved. I'm feeling very grateful for him right now.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP, I can imagine the pain but if your mother cannot walk far you just have to do everything. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am a new grandparent and do not want to have a relationship with my new grandchild. My DIL belongs to a Fundamentalist Baptist church which despises Catholics. My Son's entire extended family are catholic. We are all in a cult and going to hell. I told my son that I don't feel I can have a relationship with my granddaughter if he is going to teach her that I am going to hell. I told him that hurt me deeply. I never said anything else to him; but it kills me that her church is hateful towards others, has crazy ideas about what bible verses really mean. My granddaughter will be taught to be submissive to a man and encouraged to not go to a real college and be a stay at home mom and hate gay people. I feel really sorry for my Granddaughter. I have decided that I can not encourage my son to get out of it. He doesnt want to hurt his wife, even though he has stated on several times that the church is messed up. I will not have a relationship with granddaughter as I know I will eventually tell my granddaughter that her parents are nuts, and then they will take her out of my life after I have developed a relationship with her. So I am nipping it in the butt now, before I get hurt more.

The really sad part is we saved our daughter-in-law from this church. She ran away from it to our house and we took her in. Her pastor tried to get her parents to press charges against her when she went back to the house to get her things and they put a restraining order on her, even though she was over 18. Her whole family is completely whacked out. So I saved her from it, but I cant save my granddaughter.

DIL is really crazy and cant get along with anyone. She is very judgemental. Threatened and tried suicide and then my son was going to propose to her the next day. I told him not to do it. You cant marry someone who needs so much help. She kept hounding him to get married and I told him to wait, so then she got pregnant because she kept flunking college classes and didn't have anyone to live with because she consistently was getting kicked out by housemates. So they had a big wedding which he paid for and she consistently called him cheap. The story just goes on and on. I could deal with all of this, but then she started going back to her old church and I had enough.

Anyway. I have found in life that just because your family, doesnt mean you have to associate. All these posts only have one side of the story. Maybe there are other reasons that people dont want to be around other people. I know that I am tired of being used and a being a money bucket for my daughter-in-law. Her hand is always out. She doesnt work, because that's what her church teaches, so my son works 60-70 hours a week at a job that he doesnt like. I also started removing my son from my beneficiaries. There is no way I can handle having any of my hard earned money going to a church that teaches all of the things I taught my kids were wrong. I believe in womens and gay rights. I havent decided if I am going to change my will so my grandkids will inherit or if I will donate it to a womens or gay rights group.

It is all so very sad because I would be the most awesome grandparent, even though I am going to hell.

[Anonymous]

I had a long post to the PP but you know what - you are a very selfish woman - there is nothing wrong with being an educated woman and choosing to stay home and raise your children - I didn't to but am and love it - it is the best choice I ever made and you are missing what the women's movement is about - women being able to make choices. With day care expenses, the new offers I have gotten, it doesn't financially make sense for me to work.

You may not agree with their lifestyle but to punish your grandchild is wrong but in the end, you will be the one hurt by it and she is probably better off not having you in her life.

[Anonymous]

I consider myself a feminist too and feel sad that your DIL has been sucked in but just cannot see how distancing yourself from an innocent child "before I get hurt" will help that child. How will your daughter know what it is to be an independent woman if she has no role models like you in her life. Much as you understandably dislike the mother it is your duty to put yourself out there for the child. I am not talking about your money but giving your time and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My granddaughter will be taught to be submissive to a man and encouraged to not go to a real college and be a stay at home mom and hate gay people. I feel really sorry for my Granddaughter.

And so your solution is just not to have a relationship with her because you don't like how she will be raised?