Grandparents don't want to see grandchild

[Anonymous]

Another poster here who can relate to your situation, OP. My solution? Well, let's just say that I recently started seeing a therapist and topic numero uno is my deteriorating relationship and lack of respect for my mother - in part due to her lack of interest in her grandchildren. Like your parents, sure they talk big about how they are so happy to be closer to their grandchildren and they'll be coming to visit often (we used to live across the country and now we all live in the same state - about five hours away, but they are retired now), and the few times they do see them - they are really sweet with them. But they rarely ever make an effort, and actions speak louder than words. Again like you, there is always some health issue or a golf game or some volunteer event, or going to visit her best friend for the weekend in another town. Her grandkids (I would say "they" but it's my mom who runs the show) just don't take priority. The last time they came up to our house was a year ago around Thanksgiving when my daughter was born. We went down there once but otherwise they have not returned despite me asking them to come. Recently I asked them to come this year to have Thanksgiving with us and be here for my daughter's first birthday. They said they didn't want to deal with the traffic for Thanksgiving but would come for Fri - Sun and stay in a hotel. And then my mom wonders why I never call or email her anymore...

It sucks, OP. I'm sorry but I don't know that there are any good solutions, except I'm making an effort to let it go and realize that I can't change them or make them want to be close to their grandchildren. The only thing I can control is how I react to it and let it affect my life and the lives of my kids. Perhaps you could try something similar? And I have to say that I don't know that I agree with the idea of just showing up on their doorstep for a visit. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if someone did that to me...and I know that would never fly with my parents. And it sounds like your folks have a pretty rigid life/schedule as well where "flexibility" might not exactly be their middle name. Good luck. It's a tough - and sad - situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...I forgot to mention that they can't drive highways. And they won't take train or bus. So we have to go there.

Right, so why do you need a hotel?

How would they react if you just showed up? My Dad had anxiety issues and used to worry so much about future events, but when the event actually happened, he was fine. Maybe if your Mom didn't have time to think about it, clean, prepare, etc. and you just showed up at the house with some carry-out food and just say you are stopping by for lunch and then heading back, she would be OK?

This.

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn't sound like your parents aren't interested in seeing your child. It sounds like your mom isn't able to handle it. I remember the same thing happening with my mom when she got old. It was so anxiety producing for her to see the grandkids, particularly the younger ones, that the visits were extremely unpleasant for her. So, we would just drop by for very short periods of time, like less than 30 minutes sometimes, and during the visit we would work very hard to keep the very active kids quiet because if they weren't my mom would be terrified that they were going to get hurt. And, like you, before my mom died, I lived about 2 hours away, so it was an effort to get there. Still, we did it several times a year - drove up and back just for a short visit.

As for what to tell you child, I always would say that Grammy had health problems so we had to limit our visits and that it wasn't good for Grammy if we stayed too long or were loud and running around her house.

[Anonymous]

"You, however, will have another chance to revisit grandparenting with your children's children. I envy you that! "

Or not. There are no guarantees in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another poster here who can relate to your situation, OP. My solution? Well, let's just say that I recently started seeing a therapist and topic numero uno is my deteriorating relationship and lack of respect for my mother - in part due to her lack of interest in her grandchildren. Like your parents, sure they talk big about how they are so happy to be closer to their grandchildren and they'll be coming to visit often (we used to live across the country and now we all live in the same state - about five hours away, but they are retired now), and the few times they do see them - they are really sweet with them. But they rarely ever make an effort, and actions speak louder than words. Again like you, there is always some health issue or a golf game or some volunteer event, or going to visit her best friend for the weekend in another town. Her grandkids (I would say "they" but it's my mom who runs the show) just don't take priority. The last time they came up to our house was a year ago around Thanksgiving when my daughter was born. We went down there once but otherwise they have not returned despite me asking them to come. Recently I asked them to come this year to have Thanksgiving with us and be here for my daughter's first birthday. They said they didn't want to deal with the traffic for Thanksgiving but would come for Fri - Sun and stay in a hotel. And then my mom wonders why I never call or email her anymore...

It sucks, OP. I'm sorry but I don't know that there are any good solutions, except I'm making an effort to let it go and realize that I can't change them or make them want to be close to their grandchildren. The only thing I can control is how I react to it and let it affect my life and the lives of my kids. Perhaps you could try something similar? And I have to say that I don't know that I agree with the idea of just showing up on their doorstep for a visit. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if someone did that to me...and I know that would never fly with my parents. And it sounds like your folks have a pretty rigid life/schedule as well where "flexibility" might not exactly be their middle name. Good luck. It's a tough - and sad - situation.

This. My parents have seen my 1-year old son exactly once for 24 hours. And I'm the one who made the effort to travel for the visit. I have cycled through all the emotions - disappointment, anger, sadness, disbelief, etc. But at the end of the day, they're not going to change and I need to move on and focus on the people who do love my son and want to be part of his life. And I try to be thankful for those people every day.

I will say that their response to my child has definitley caused my own relatinship to deterioate with my parents. Their rejection of my son is a rejection of me. I take it personally and I've figured out that I'm really just not ever going to get past that part of it. So it's not only grieving the loss of grandparents for my child, but also the loss of my own parents in a weird way.

[Anonymous]

For various reason's my parents are unable to visit us and DS. We make the trip twice a year and although we don't have the "can't cook etc" fears it does impact their schedule. Still I feel the interaction is too important not to do it. We have stayed in hotels, we have cooked and cleaned and we have worked to deal with their schedule as much as possible with a child. We keep the visits short, we often don't tell them far in advance because that seems to make this worse - they spend too much time anticipating. We go out to eat and do carry out. We try to do things outside of the house (that is a sticky point with my dad - young child, prized possessions etc). They all enjoy the visit once it happens but it can be stressful preparing, anticipating and dealing with it.

As a result we have found other ways to have a relationship between ds and grandparents. My mom loves to write letters (old school!) so she regularly sends DS letters with pictures, descriptions of what she is doing etc. Mail addressed to DS is a BIG hit. My dad doesn't like to write letters nor talk on the phone. However he loves toys and regularly (and amazingly) knows exactly what DS likes and will send him stuff. None of this ideal but I have found that my son actually enjoys my parents more than my husbands parents even with their limited relationship with him. I guess quality vs quantity does matter. They do seem to connect better with him.

Having a frank discussion with my parents never worked. I wasted a lot of mental anquish over trying to find a way to make it work what I discovered is the only way to make it work is to have it be something your parents CAN handle, on their time frame, within their schedule etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like your parents aren't interested in seeing your child. It sounds like your mom isn't able to handle it. I remember the same thing happening with my mom when she got old. It was so anxiety producing for her to see the grandkids, particularly the younger ones, that the visits were extremely unpleasant for her. So, we would just drop by for very short periods of time, like less than 30 minutes sometimes, and during the visit we would work very hard to keep the very active kids quiet because if they weren't my mom would be terrified that they were going to get hurt. And, like you, before my mom died, I lived about 2 hours away, so it was an effort to get there. Still, we did it several times a year - drove up and back just for a short visit.

As for what to tell you child, I always would say that Grammy had health problems so we had to limit our visits and that it wasn't good for Grammy if we stayed too long or were loud and running around her house.

I think this response is interesting. Is there really a difference between lack of interest and an inability to handle the visit? If a grandparent is interested enough, won't they figure out a way to handle any anxiety? Or as they get older, do we just hold them to a lower set of expectations? I personally think that if little kids make you anxious, that's not a free pass to just ignore your grandchildren.

Then again, some people just don't like little kids. I would rather see my own parents (who show very little interest in my kids) own up to that. Just call a spade a spade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like your parents aren't interested in seeing your child. It sounds like your mom isn't able to handle it. I remember the same thing happening with my mom when she got old. It was so anxiety producing for her to see the grandkids, particularly the younger ones, that the visits were extremely unpleasant for her. So, we would just drop by for very short periods of time, like less than 30 minutes sometimes, and during the visit we would work very hard to keep the very active kids quiet because if they weren't my mom would be terrified that they were going to get hurt. And, like you, before my mom died, I lived about 2 hours away, so it was an effort to get there. Still, we did it several times a year - drove up and back just for a short visit.

As for what to tell you child, I always would say that Grammy had health problems so we had to limit our visits and that it wasn't good for Grammy if we stayed too long or were loud and running around her house.

I think this response is interesting. Is there really a difference between lack of interest and an inability to handle the visit? If a grandparent is interested enough, won't they figure out a way to handle any anxiety? Or as they get older, do we just hold them to a lower set of expectations? I personally think that if little kids make you anxious, that's not a free pass to just ignore your grandchildren.

Then again, some people just don't like little kids. I would rather see my own parents (who show very little interest in my kids) own up to that. Just call a spade a spade.

You've obviously never experienced or been close to someone who dealt with debilitating anxiety.

OP, I may have read too much into your post but it seems to me your mom's anxiety rises to the level of mental illness. I do not think it is a lack of interest, I think she just can't handle it. My sister suffers from extreme anxiety. She loves my son dearly, she lives 20 minutes away, she is the only family we have close by, but she has never once babysat for us becasue she is positively convinced he would not survive the experience. I have also never been in her home and she has lived there for two years now. I don't think she has ever had anyone--save the cable guy--in her home. Now, this is different because my sis comes to my home frequently so she has a great relationship with my son, but my point is I can very much understand how anxiety can prevent your mom from being able to handle visits. My sister missed our neice's (other sister's first child) 1st and snd birthday parties because of anxiety. We just deal with it.

Anyway, if I am right at all, it still hurts, but sometimes, if you can come to understand this about your mom, it is less painful. To me, it would hurt a lot more to think my parents didn't want to see my son than my parents didn't see my son because one of them was dealing with such severe anxiety it made it nearly impossible to do so.

[Anonymous]

Don't discount the chronic pain comment of the OP. Chronic pain sucks the life out of you. I know, I have it, (due to neurological disease). It is extremely difficult for others to understand what you are going through, since alot of times those with chronic pain don't look sick. So then you withdraw from everyone. And you don't want to be a burden or seem like you can't do anything, so you feel guilty (and don't want to concede that they should stay in a hotel, for instance). The fear of causing a major flare up by changing one thing about your routine (e.g. from having guests) causes major anxiety. This anxiety may or may not be justifiable - maybe there is a good chance that she will have to be laid up in pain for 2 days after they leave. Fear of the future leads to anxiety. Anxiety causes more pain. The thought of her grandkids seeing her in pain may also make her depressed. This is the reality of what a person with chronic pain goes through each and every day.

I would suggest to the OP that she try and figure out what challenges your mother is dealing with on a day to day basis, and the burdens she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it doesn't sound like your parents aren't interested in seeing your child. It sounds like your mom isn't able to handle it. I remember the same thing happening with my mom when she got old. It was so anxiety producing for her to see the grandkids, particularly the younger ones, that the visits were extremely unpleasant for her. So, we would just drop by for very short periods of time, like less than 30 minutes sometimes, and during the visit we would work very hard to keep the very active kids quiet because if they weren't my mom would be terrified that they were going to get hurt. And, like you, before my mom died, I lived about 2 hours away, so it was an effort to get there. Still, we did it several times a year - drove up and back just for a short visit.

As for what to tell you child, I always would say that Grammy had health problems so we had to limit our visits and that it wasn't good for Grammy if we stayed too long or were loud and running around her house.

I think this response is interesting. Is there really a difference between lack of interest and an inability to handle the visit? If a grandparent is interested enough, won't they figure out a way to handle any anxiety? Or as they get older, do we just hold them to a lower set of expectations? I personally think that if little kids make you anxious, that's not a free pass to just ignore your grandchildren.

Then again, some people just don't like little kids. I would rather see my own parents (who show very little interest in my kids) own up to that. Just call a spade a spade.

You've obviously never experienced or been close to someone who dealt with debilitating anxiety.

OP, I may have read too much into your post but it seems to me your mom's anxiety rises to the level of mental illness. I do not think it is a lack of interest, I think she just can't handle it. My sister suffers from extreme anxiety. She loves my son dearly, she lives 20 minutes away, she is the only family we have close by, but she has never once babysat for us becasue she is positively convinced he would not survive the experience. I have also never been in her home and she has lived there for two years now. I don't think she has ever had anyone--save the cable guy--in her home. Now, this is different because my sis comes to my home frequently so she has a great relationship with my son, but my point is I can very much understand how anxiety can prevent your mom from being able to handle visits. My sister missed our neice's (other sister's first child) 1st and snd birthday parties because of anxiety. We just deal with it.

Anyway, if I am right at all, it still hurts, but sometimes, if you can come to understand this about your mom, it is less painful. To me, it would hurt a lot more to think my parents didn't want to see my son than my parents didn't see my son because one of them was dealing with such severe anxiety it made it nearly impossible to do so.

You're right. I haven't. Thanks for the perspective. I guess I still think there is a spectrum of anxiety. My dad doesn't like kids very much and they make him "anxious". But mostly, I think he just doesn't want to be around them. It's not that much fun for him. It's not some physical reaction or that he is having a mental illness issue. He is highly functional in all aspects of his life. So I guess that's what I was getting at - just say you don't want to be around my kids, own it, and we will all move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry for your situation. I can in fact relate. My parents did make efforts to see my DS until he was about 3. Then, however, my mother suffered a fall and while she was recovering, her lifelong anxiety/depression issues really took over and my parents did not travel to see us and discouraged us from coming to see them. My advice -- go anyway. For both your child's sake and your own -- you need to spend the time with them while you can. If you heed their discouragement you may end up regretting the time you lost once its too late. As previous posters have said, drive there, bring food, spend a few hours, and then leave. But see them. I think you also can't underestimate the benefit to your mother of the time with her grandchild. And your dad, who is missing out by association. Finally, it enables you to get a first hand look at what is transpiring in your parents' mental and physical health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You, however, will have another chance to revisit grandparenting with your children's children. I envy you that! "

Or not. There are no guarantees in life.

Heartily agree. The operative word is "chance." Guess I wasn't clear, but I meant it as in "There's a chance you'll be able to revisit." At some point even the possibility of "chance" is gone, which is pretty much my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry for your situation. I can in fact relate. My parents did make efforts to see my DS until he was about 3. Then, however, my mother suffered a fall and while she was recovering, her lifelong anxiety/depression issues really took over and my parents did not travel to see us and discouraged us from coming to see them. My advice -- go anyway. For both your child's sake and your own -- you need to spend the time with them while you can. If you heed their discouragement you may end up regretting the time you lost once its too late. As previous posters have said, drive there, bring food, spend a few hours, and then leave. But see them. I think you also can't underestimate the benefit to your mother of the time with her grandchild. And your dad, who is missing out by association. Finally, it enables you to get a first hand look at what is transpiring in your parents' mental and physical health.

True. But the whole "you'll have regrets" thing is tricky. You can also keep trying and trying and end up sorry you didn't see the light sooner. After many years of trying I realized my parents really just didn't care.

OP's efforts are important now. At a minimum you want to know you tried. But sometimes you just have to let go. And be sure you let go of the guilt too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I may have read too much into your post but it seems to me your mom's anxiety rises to the level of mental illness.

Mental illness was my thought as well, OP. And my layman's thought was, as others have suggested, make trips there, make it easy for them (especially your dad!) to see the kids. If you can, plan a fun outing for the kids to do regardless of whether your parents can/will see you. Give advance warning of a couple of days if you think it would help.

Also, if this seems like a newer issue with your mom, it might help to talk to your dad and let him know you're concerned. This may be the sort of thing he/they could talk to her doctor about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry for your situation. I can in fact relate. My parents did make efforts to see my DS until he was about 3. Then, however, my mother suffered a fall and while she was recovering, her lifelong anxiety/depression issues really took over and my parents did not travel to see us and discouraged us from coming to see them. My advice -- go anyway. For both your child's sake and your own -- you need to spend the time with them while you can. If you heed their discouragement you may end up regretting the time you lost once its too late. As previous posters have said, drive there, bring food, spend a few hours, and then leave. But see them. I think you also can't underestimate the benefit to your mother of the time with her grandchild. And your dad, who is missing out by association. Finally, it enables you to get a first hand look at what is transpiring in your parents' mental and physical health.

True. But the whole "you'll have regrets" thing is tricky. You can also keep trying and trying and end up sorry you didn't see the light sooner. After many years of trying I realized my parents really just didn't care.

OP's efforts are important now. At a minimum you want to know you tried. But sometimes you just have to let go. And be sure you let go of the guilt too.

Ugh, I agree. I think trying and trying and getting nothing back is exhausting and sometimes leads to more hurt feelings than if you just let the whole thing go. Who wants to be rejected over and over again? It's just ongoing negative emotional energy. Just because they're your parents doesn't mean they're good people or they need to be part of your life. Or that they should be forever excused for bad behavior. Not a pleasant conclusion, but sometimes unavoidable. But I agree, you need to know that you tried before you can move on.