
"It sucks, OP. I'm sorry but I don't know that there are any good solutions, except I'm making an effort to let it go and realize that I can't change them or make them want to be close to their grandchildren. The only thing I can control is how I react to it and let it affect my life and the lives of my kids. "
Ditto. It isn't only grandparents; there are many deadbeat parents. |
I agree but it doesn't sound like in this case they don't care. Clinical depression and anxiety are very powerful. What you want isn't necessarily what you can do. |
OP, we don't have this issue with grandparents, but my SIL lives minutes away and rarely makes the effort to see us. She has a very on-off relationship with DH's family, but she's his only sibling. I used to really make an effort to develop a relationship with her and was hoping that she would take some interest in her only nephew.
However, since he was born, my perspective is that DS is very precious and my time with him is precious as well. I want to share him and have him develop relationships with family, but those relationships need to be with people who take an active interest in his life. I used to force myself on SIL to an extent, but I will not force my son on anyone. He has four loving grandparents and my sister goes out of her way to spend time with him and she's barely an adult. Even if that weren't the case, we have close friends who see DS much more often than our family. I'm sure you have similar folks in your lives who are in that role. Point being, you should foster those relationships with people who want to spend time with your kids. You have done your best to try with your parents, and you should welcome them and maintain that relationship as best you can - but, your son has a lot of love to share and that should be with people who want to reciprocate that love and affection. I agree with others about just visiting without too much notice though - if it's just an issue of anxiety, that's something you could and should deal with. Good luck! I know it took me a long time to feel ok about not being able to have a better relationship with SIL, but it causes me so much less anxiety now. |
But at some point, can you want to get treatment and want to get better? How long do you keep trying with a person who isn't able to help themselves or take any responsibility for their actions? Years, decades? However long it takes? Even when that person makes you feel horrible? I don't know the answers to these questions. Here's my take...as long as they are showing any interest at all...phone calls, looking at pictures, skyping, responding to emails, then keep trying. |
"I think this response is interesting. Is there really a difference between lack of interest and an inability to handle the visit? If a grandparent is interested enough, won't they figure out a way to handle any anxiety? Or as they get older, do we just hold them to a lower set of expectations? "
I am the poster to which this was the response. I think that you do have to adjust expectations as people age. There is a point where I started to define my mom as old and it had nothing to do with age. One of the things that made me feel that way was her level of anxiety around the kids. I remember once talking to her on the phone and she began to hypervenilate because one of my nephews was rocking in a kid's rocking chair - he might fall, and if he does, he might hit his head, and if he does, it might bleed, and if it does, he might need to go to the hospital . . . I later saw my aunt develop something similar. And, now I am living through my MIL not even being willing to watch my kids for an hour so we can go out for drinks (not even dinner) because she feels it's too much for her. I don't think that every elderly person has difficulty with kids or if they do not all go to the extreme that my mom did, but it definitely happens to some. With my mom and my aunt, it was anxiety. With my MIL is it is more stamina, I think. OP's mom has the added component of chronic pain. In our case, we did figure out how to manage my mom's anxiety, which was short visits and controlling the behavior of the kids (not that any of the kids were not normally under control, but they just had to do all quiet activities around my mom). It was a lot to drive for a few hours just for a short visit, but that's what it took to allow my mom to have time with her grandkids. |
I know to you this situation makes no sense as to why there is even a problem. However, the OPs mom has mental illness. Dealing with a loved one with mental illness is not only hard on the one who is mentally ill, but horrible on the people who love them. Your answer is appropriate for dealing with a healthy person, but when mental illness comes into the picture, reason is thrown out the window. My sister has severe anxiety and she cannot be around my kids. She says that it is "too much" and "overwhelms" here and often sends her into a "panic attack". My sisters anxiety is so bad, like the OPs mom, she too has a hard time leaving the house and DEFINITLY cannot drive farther than a few miles radius from her home. It angers me that my sister won't get control of her anxiety, but it is what it is. She refuses medication and seems to incubate her illness and there is no logic that anyone can say that will change her mind about her view of the world. |
Read your post and you may find out why MIL doesn't visit. Just from this brief post, it is difficult to imagine that visiting you would be a happy experiencce. You sound as though you are just waiting for her to need her son and then you can tell her "karma sucks." Look within yourself for the answer to MIL problem. |
My father could not take a visit from his grandchildren. He loved them and always remembered them but he was older, in bad health, and simply could not handle the noise and clamor of children. It isn't necessarily a choice for older people but simply something with which they cannot cope. |
I have a FIL who doesn't seem to have any interest in his grandchildren, so it's not even as good as what you describe (grandparents who ask lots of questions, but whose anxiety/life situation makes it impossible to actually connect).
I cannot change him. I don't care to. He's not a bad guy, just doesn't fold grandparenting into his self-image. So we mention "Grandpa" now and then, but we don't push any sort of interaction on him. If our daughter begins to ask about why he's not around (she's just 3 and has no memory of him, really) then... I"m not sure what we'll say. But we'll try our best to make it clear that she is loved by a zillion people, including him, and his absence is not her fault at all. ![]() Good luck, OP. I can imagine that as your own parents whom you love, grandparental absense is tough to deal with. |
Thought I was the only one! My mom hasn't called me since my last miscarriage - she really is only interested in drama and negative things. Once I had a successful pregnancy and birth, she had no interest. She sent a few onesies and has never called - DS is 10mo. I've left messages and sent letters with photos - no response. And, we also had no falling out - she simply has her own life and doesn't want to be part of her only grandchild's life. It's beyond sad. So, OP, I feel for you. It might be easier for me since there's no contact at all, as opposed to a dribble of contact where I'd always want more. Grandparents are fabulous when they are involved - I have great memories of my grandfather - but kids can't miss what they don't know. I totally get the drama around cleaning and preparing - my family is like this -- nothing is simple or easy. So, I would focus on the family that is willing to make the effort and just take what you can get from the rest. Good luck. |
I don't understand this at all. My child is my parents' life now. They are retired (and thankfully in good health) and also live 90 minutes away by car. We see them at least every two weeks. We go there for the weekend, or they come here and keep my daughter out of daycare, cook, do laundry. We couldn't do it without them, and honestly, my daughter has added such joy to their lives.
Something else must be going on. I am thinking maybe your mom's condition is worse than she is letting on? OP, while I do feel sorry for you and your kids, it is your parents who I really feel sorry for. I hate to think they will regret this one day. Just from watching my parents, I can't WAIT to be a grand parent! They have so much more patience now, and time. It is a wonderful thing and your parents are missing out, plain and simple. |
"NP here. OP, I know how you feel. MIL lives 5 minutes away and could not be more selfish and self centered. MIL has time for everything else but her youngest grandkids. For a long time, it was heartbreaking. Then I realized that the kinds of things 21:57 stated are accurate.
The kids will realize themselves as they get older that it has nothing to do with you. MIL sees the other grandkids (further away!) but not us. SIL has hushed MIL on Facebook about MIL seeing SIL's kids so much, since everyone knows MIL rarely makes time for us. DH has done a lot for his family, ingrate SIL especially. Karma is a bitch, especially to nasty, selfish MIL's It'll suck for her when she gets old and senile, trust me." NP is a bitch. |
Will your parents drive locally? Could you meet them somewhere - maybe a nice playground or park and pack a picnic lunch or dinner? It sounds like your parents are in pain and depressed, but maybe it would actually help to see their grandchild. Maybe your mom is like mine and feels like when we visit, everything must be PERFECT, so she stresses over the visit (and tells me how much stress it is to her). So maybe you could meet near their house but not at their house - as a first step.
Or maybe just force the issue. Say, we want to visit in November, pick a day. |
What about Skype-ing? Or something similar?
I know its not the same but it might open the door and create a relationship. Best of luck, OP. |
I have the same kind grandparent problem. It's a mix of anti-social behavior/depression/a touch of alcoholism/illness. All legitimate reasons to not feel neighborly but it's no excuse for being rude to my children when we're together. I've gotten over their toxic behavior towards me (something about turning 40 made it truly not matter anymore). But being mean to my kids is unacceptable. My kids want a hug and smile from grandma and grandpa, that's all. So I keep the relationship alive. I've learned to be in control of our interaction with them. If we lived only 90 minutes away, I imagine I would come up with some reasons to drive that way, visit a state park or landmark or something, and stop by for a one hour visit. Maybe do that once every 3 months.
FWIW, my father's mother was a nasty person. I realized it at about age 9-10 (4th grade, I think). I saw the pain she caused my father and heard her say outlandish insulting things to everyone, including me. My attitude was "that old lady is crazy." and didn't dwell on it. But it ruined my father. I'm not letting him ruin me. Life is too good. Also, I've worked at finding substitute grandparents for my children. They have very close relationships with older people at our church. It's wonderful. |