Toxic Coach

[Anonymous]

AG?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Why would any parent tolerate an assho!e coach for their kid when they don’t have to? Sounds like only an assho!e parent would do this.

Be self aware enough to understand that the assho!e label is in the eye of the beholder. From your unwarranted tone, I presume that you are judgmental and probably soft as he!!. Good luck with that!

Not putting up with abuse isn’t soft. It’s standing up for yourself and takes more strength than sitting there and taking it. What a great lesson you want to teach a young girl: just shut up and take it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Or here’s an idea… you can want more for your kids than how we were treated by coaches in the 90s. We have all these resources at our fingertips nowadays. Don’t you think coaches could spend 30 minutes reading up on how to communicate with children in a way that motivates them and helps them learn? It’s not about being sensitive. It’s expecting someone who is being paid to do the most basic task of not psychologically harming the children they are working with.

I agree with everything you are saying on the coach's side. I think where we part is on what my response should be. I want my DC to understand that everyone isn't going to treat them fairly or even nicely. It's a tough world out here and it's getting even tougher. This is guided struggle. For me, that's a part of my job as a responsible parent.

You can teach that lesson just based on what may have already gone on before you knew it was toxic. You don’t purposely keep them in a situation where they are being mistreated. That’s not guided struggle — that’s teaching your kid that you won’t help them even when it’s well within your capability to do so. Why trust you after that? Guided struggle is being in a tough math class or trying out for a team you don’t make, not staying in a bad situation when there is an option to leave. You’re just teaching your kid to put up with mistreatment, when what you should be teaching is that they should value themselves enough to walk away from that.

Ok, when you say “keep them in the situation,” then I’d agree if we are talking year over year. We are moving on (for an unrelated reason), so I’m not keeping DC in that situation, nor would I if that were slated to have the same coach next year. I’m saying the BS was bothersome to me, IN SEASON. I opted to let DC deal with it while I observed closely: guided struggle.

Details matter, of course, so we are speaking mostly in theory here, but the notion of allowing my DC to quit or me intervening wasn’t something I decided to do because I know DC will have to deal with similar situations on a go forward basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Why would any parent tolerate an assho!e coach for their kid when they don’t have to? Sounds like only an assho!e parent would do this.

Be self aware enough to understand that the assho!e label is in the eye of the beholder. From your unwarranted tone, I presume that you are judgmental and probably soft as he!!. Good luck with that!

Not putting up with abuse isn’t soft. It’s standing up for yourself and takes more strength than sitting there and taking it. What a great lesson you want to teach a young girl: just shut up and take it?

No, but again, your desire to frame the conversation in absurdly favorable terms just so you can be right, rather than acknowledge that people may reasonably differ on what constitutes “toxic,” AND your refusal to accept that, even in the presence of unfair treatment, a parent can still do harm by over intervening in what is ultimately a blip in a child’s development, speaks volumes.

Further, nobody ever said the kid shouldn’t stand up for themselves. That’s just a convenient, but ultimately failed, invention of your very limited imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Why would any parent tolerate an assho!e coach for their kid when they don’t have to? Sounds like only an assho!e parent would do this.

Because they will have to deal with adversity in their lives and difficult people, like you for me in this very moment. Falling apart at the first sign of discomfort isn't an option. At least not in my world. But hey. Raise yours how you feel.

Nah you have to teach young girls self respect and to walk away from abusive, toxic jerks asap.

First of all, I’m PP, and I was talking about a boy, not a girl. But in truth, it doesn’t make a difference (I have a DD, too). Moms and dads love their kids and want to protect them from everything (an instinct I have too), but the world is harsh. Some coach who yells when he shouldn’t or treats kids unevenly isn’t right, but it’s also not the end of the world, and there is an opportunity there for a life lesson around perseverance. That doesn’t make me or anyone else a “toxic parent.”

But again, do whatever you want with your kids. I’m going to teach mine to be compassionate and caring, yes. But I also want strength, toughness, and grit. Maybe yours won't need those qualities. I expect mine will and I'm going to prepare them for whatever they might encounter in an increasingly brutal landscape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Why would any parent tolerate an assho!e coach for their kid when they don’t have to? Sounds like only an assho!e parent would do this.

Because they will have to deal with adversity in their lives and difficult people, like you for me in this very moment. Falling apart at the first sign of discomfort isn't an option. At least not in my world. But hey. Raise yours how you feel.

Nah you have to teach young girls self respect and to walk away from abusive, toxic jerks asap.

First of all, I’m PP, and I was talking about a boy, not a girl. But in truth, it doesn’t make a difference (I have a DD, too). Moms and dads love their kids and want to protect them from everything (an instinct I have too), but the world is harsh. Some coach who yells when he shouldn’t or treats kids unevenly isn’t right, but it’s also not the end of the world, and there is an opportunity there for a life lesson around perseverance. That doesn’t make me or anyone else a “toxic parent.”

But again, do whatever you want with your kids. I’m going to teach mine to be compassionate and caring, yes. But I also want strength, toughness, and grit. Maybe yours won't need those qualities. I expect mine will and I'm going to prepare them for whatever they might encounter in an increasingly brutal landscape.

I didn’t call you a toxic parent, maybe that was a different poster.

Anyways, we aren’t talking about coaches who simply yell, OP was referring to a “toxic” coach. I, too, grew up playing for tough yelling coaches, but some coaches these days take it too far and are high on power. Our previous coach was extremely manipulative, condescending, pitted players and families against each other. Nobody at the club held him accountable. He is protected by his good ole boy network despite killing the program from the inside out. Keeping DC in that environment would not teach them jack about adversity. It would teach them that it’s ok to take disrespect from a person with more power than them. It’s not a lesson I choose to teach my DC. Sometimes you choose self respect and walk away in life. That includes real life and jobs too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you also have to account for the concept that "abuse" is an over used word in our current culture as is "toxic". Some of these kids and parents are snowflakes that just don't like anything they don't like/feel they deserve special treatment and attention to their feelings and emotions.

We currently have a "toxic coach" that simply would have been previously categorized as an "assho!e" back in the 90s. I don't need him or what the club is selling but I also account for how terribly sensitive we all are as parents these days.

Why would any parent tolerate an assho!e coach for their kid when they don’t have to? Sounds like only an assho!e parent would do this.

Because they will have to deal with adversity in their lives and difficult people, like you for me in this very moment. Falling apart at the first sign of discomfort isn't an option. At least not in my world. But hey. Raise yours how you feel.

Nah you have to teach young girls self respect and to walk away from abusive, toxic jerks asap.

First of all, I’m PP, and I was talking about a boy, not a girl. But in truth, it doesn’t make a difference (I have a DD, too). Moms and dads love their kids and want to protect them from everything (an instinct I have too), but the world is harsh. Some coach who yells when he shouldn’t or treats kids unevenly isn’t right, but it’s also not the end of the world, and there is an opportunity there for a life lesson around perseverance. That doesn’t make me or anyone else a “toxic parent.”

But again, do whatever you want with your kids. I’m going to teach mine to be compassionate and caring, yes. But I also want strength, toughness, and grit. Maybe yours won't need those qualities. I expect mine will and I'm going to prepare them for whatever they might encounter in an increasingly brutal landscape.

I didn’t call you a toxic parent, maybe that was a different poster.

Anyways, we aren’t talking about coaches who simply yell, OP was referring to a “toxic” coach. I, too, grew up playing for tough yelling coaches, but some coaches these days take it too far and are high on power. Our previous coach was extremely manipulative, condescending, pitted players and families against each other. Nobody at the club held him accountable. He is protected by his good ole boy network despite killing the program from the inside out. Keeping DC in that environment would not teach them jack about adversity. It would teach them that it’s ok to take disrespect from a person with more power than them. It’s not a lesson I choose to teach my DC. Sometimes you choose self respect and walk away in life. That includes real life and jobs too.

Right. My comment about “toxic parents” was more global. I hear you. I think my current toxic coach resembles some of what you are describing, maybe to a lesser degree. I definitely wouldn’t subject my kid to another year with them.

I think this is just a cultural difference, and perhaps there are two ways to skin a cat. For me, toughing it out is the default setting. Once you establish grit and toughness, then we can talk about avoidance and boundary setting short of actual abuse, which I don’t think most alleged “toxic coach” conduct described on DCUM rises to.

[Anonymous]

Let’s keep in mind that “toxic” doesn’t just mean a yelling coach or a mean person. It can be something as simple as the coach has favorite players and your DC will never be one of the “favorites”. And in many of those instances it has nothing to do with merit or ability, but rather which parents play the game with the coach, which kids do “private” training with the coach or simply the coach just doesn’t want to give opportunity to your DC for no good reason. In those circumstances it is not worth sticking around. It’s a good lesson for your kid to know what they are worth and to shop around for the best club/coach that will value them. It’s good advice on the pitch and it’s good advice in the workplace. It’s not being soft, it’s being smart and knowing what you’re worth.