Regret not having one last child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO much better to want one more than one fewer. You have some bandwidth now - great!! Do something else with it - go for a promotion at work, volunteer, adopt a dog, something.

Amen. I think when you already have three and a bigger gap, you have to think of the impact it will have on the kids who are already here.

Yall. I have so many siblings and they are the BEST thing, even though it meant less $$ to go around. Siblings are a support network for life. It is soooo much more important to have them than to have better clothes and a Disney trip. Think about old age for your kids, not just the size of the pile of Christmas presents they’ll get over the next few years.

Then you’re an outliner. I don’t know any adults who are close to their siblings. People get busy with their own lives and their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your husband, and if he agrees, try for the fourth kid.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO much better to want one more than one fewer. You have some bandwidth now - great!! Do something else with it - go for a promotion at work, volunteer, adopt a dog, something.

Amen. I think when you already have three and a bigger gap, you have to think of the impact it will have on the kids who are already here.

Yall. I have so many siblings and they are the BEST thing, even though it meant less $$ to go around. Siblings are a support network for life. It is soooo much more important to have them than to have better clothes and a Disney trip. Think about old age for your kids, not just the size of the pile of Christmas presents they’ll get over the next few years.

Then you’re an outliner. I don’t know any adults who are close to their siblings. People get busy with their own lives and their own kids.

Really? I find that difficult to believe. Everyone has their perspective, but you don’t need to exaggerate to make your point.

I’m also not sure that people being busy with the own lives and their own kids precludes a feeling of closeness with siblings, particularly over a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a third but am resolutely stopping at 2 because I know it would negatively impact the two I have. Older children do not really want or benefit from another much younger sibling.

False.

You have kids for you, not to give your kids siblings who may or may not get along.

This is a matter of opinion and personal preference, but I personally feel that 3+ kids takes some or the pressure off sibling dynamics. I grew up in a 2 kid family and always wished I had more siblings. We don't have a bad relationship as adults, but we also don’t really click. My spouse has 3 siblings and gets something different out of each relationship (some more, some less). I like that more. No, there are no guarantees about who your kids will be and what they will prefer — some us just grow up wanting the opposite of what they have! — but I do think that many people like having sibling relationships and it can be nice when there are more than one.

There is no larger truth here, just different sibling experiences. I have one sibling and my husband has 3, just like you. I have a good relationship with my sibling, though I wouldn't say we are close friends. But we have been reliably there for one another thru difficult events and we get along well and enjoy each other's company when we are together. I wish we lived closer to one another and my plan is to move closer to him when DH and I retire. My DH has barely any relationship with 2 of his siblings (one he actively dislikes, one he has little in common with), and has a cordial and pleasant relationship with the 3rd. Two of his 3 siblings were no help at all when MIL and FIL were declining/dying, so there is some strong resentment there.

There is simply **no way** to predict the kind of relationship your children will have when they are grown. They can be extremely close as children and much less close in adulthood. They can be relatively distant as children and much more close in adulthood. (My mother hated her sister growing up, and in adulthood they have become best friends. My DH is closest to his sibling who is 11 years older, who my DH barely remembers living in the same house with.)

IMO, sibling relationships in adulthood depend in part on who they marry. I really like spending time with my brother, but his wife can be wearing. I think the difficult relationship my DH has with one sibling is exacerbated by that sibling's wife. My best friend has a so-so relationship with her brother but adores his wife, so the families spend a lot of time together; that likely wouldn't be true if her brother had married someone else.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel and I have a lot of empathy for you, because my husband was adamant (sp?) about no third and I was so sad for a while (I finally won out but that's not the point).

I would have you consider what having a baby with the ages of your other three kids would be like. All you know is having kids close together, so you don't have experience with a larger age spread.

It would be very hard to go back to baby nap schedules and sleepless nights and bottles and baby food and cleaning the high chair. It would be hard to cart a baby around to the older kids' sports and activities. It would be hard to convince the others to include the baby in things. The baby would have to grow up like an only child in so many ways, or at least have a radically different relationship with their siblings than the others did. It would feel lonely in some ways -- the families you're friends with via your other kids likely no longer have babies and would look at you with pity that you are beholden to baby and toddler difficulties. And the families in the baby's cohort will be a lot of new parents, which is so different.

It would also make you feel very OLD -- all the other moms in your 4th's cohort would be like 30. And a pregnancy and postpartum at that age, compared to how you felt with the other three, would make you feel so tired and worn out. Even having my third at 37 vs. my early 30s made me feel this way. (I know 42 year olds have babies all the time, but this is still a reality, and will be a noticed difference for a mom who had her other kids young).

I don't even have that big of a gap between my 2nd and 3rd and I still really feel this! The age spread is what you need to be thinking about most.

[Anonymous]

Be happy you have three healthy kids. That’s a an entry level large family and to have everyone healthy is very fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Read
https://www.stuckinabook.com/the-fifth-child-doris-lessing/

Not, really, but OP life is hard, and not in the traditional sense that could always be harder. We all make choices and cannot make other ones. But life is unpredictable in all senses. I wish you the best. Do try for another if it calls to you at the moment. And if it doesn't work out you will try. My best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s SO much better to want one more than one fewer. You have some bandwidth now - great!! Do something else with it - go for a promotion at work, volunteer, adopt a dog, something.

Amen. I think when you already have three and a bigger gap, you have to think of the impact it will have on the kids who are already here.

Yall. I have so many siblings and they are the BEST thing, even though it meant less $$ to go around. Siblings are a support network for life. It is soooo much more important to have them than to have better clothes and a Disney trip. Think about old age for your kids, not just the size of the pile of Christmas presents they’ll get over the next few years.

Then you’re an outliner. I don’t know any adults who are close to their siblings. People get busy with their own lives and their own kids.

I’m one of four and three of us are very close. The fourth is on good terms but not as close.

My siblings are my best friends. I could not personally raise four kids but my siblings and I are best friends as adults and had a great childhood.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy what you have. Elementary years are the best. I had my last at 43.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know plenty of women with big families in the DMV; they aren’t well represented on this board though. My mom had a bunch of kids and I’m so grateful for that. The sibling who is far younger than I am (by nine years) is all our favorite sib and she rocks! Materially, we didn’t have a lot of cash. My parents were often in debt. But not having nice clothes or a fancy wedding didn’t make us sad. We grew up like most Americans and things usually worked out. I didn’t even know I was “lower” middle class until I went to college and saw the wealth that others took for granted. I’ll take relationships over materialism any day. I saw that privileged backgrounds didn’t make my peers happy or emotionally well. That has informed my own approach to parenting. My kids are currently begging for a sixth. I’ve thought a lot about the arguments that ARE well represented here (resource issues, division of time, not being able to keep up with the activity culture, special needs, etc.) and I realize those aren’t relevant for my situation. I’m blessed with health and a great job so I’m going to make a less obvious choice…just be open to having more kids. When it comes to time spent per kid, I think people overestimate how much time older kids take and need and want from their parents (minus the driving—the chauffeuring is tough!). (I know I didn’t want my parents breathing down my neck once I hit a certain age. In junior high and high school, my only child friends were always trying to hang out with my family and get away from their parents!) Also, my kids love being with each other, all piling on my lap to read a book. We have fun together. We try to do one on one time, and it all works out. All to say, all sizes of family are beautiful. But I think sometimes some people prematurely opt out of more kids or make a permanent family planning decision out of shifting fears that aren’t relevant to them or are overblown. It’s ok to not want another at age 42, but you are consciously making that decision.

I have 5 and mine are also asking to have another sibling! A subsequent poster mentioned that teens need time- which is true- but I find my teens seek out that time at different times than their younger siblings. It does mean you’re always “on” or prepared to be “on” though if you have a lot of kids.

[Anonymous]

Not close to my sibling, have three kids, had the third at 42, go for it if you want and can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know plenty of women with big families in the DMV; they aren’t well represented on this board though. My mom had a bunch of kids and I’m so grateful for that. The sibling who is far younger than I am (by nine years) is all our favorite sib and she rocks! Materially, we didn’t have a lot of cash. My parents were often in debt. But not having nice clothes or a fancy wedding didn’t make us sad. We grew up like most Americans and things usually worked out. I didn’t even know I was “lower” middle class until I went to college and saw the wealth that others took for granted. I’ll take relationships over materialism any day. I saw that privileged backgrounds didn’t make my peers happy or emotionally well. That has informed my own approach to parenting. My kids are currently begging for a sixth. I’ve thought a lot about the arguments that ARE well represented here (resource issues, division of time, not being able to keep up with the activity culture, special needs, etc.) and I realize those aren’t relevant for my situation. I’m blessed with health and a great job so I’m going to make a less obvious choice…just be open to having more kids. When it comes to time spent per kid, I think people overestimate how much time older kids take and need and want from their parents (minus the driving—the chauffeuring is tough!). (I know I didn’t want my parents breathing down my neck once I hit a certain age. In junior high and high school, my only child friends were always trying to hang out with my family and get away from their parents!) Also, my kids love being with each other, all piling on my lap to read a book. We have fun together. We try to do one on one time, and it all works out. All to say, all sizes of family are beautiful. But I think sometimes some people prematurely opt out of more kids or make a permanent family planning decision out of shifting fears that aren’t relevant to them or are overblown. It’s ok to not want another at age 42, but you are consciously making that decision.

I have 5 and mine are also asking to have another sibling! A subsequent poster mentioned that teens need time- which is true- but I find my teens seek out that time at different times than their younger siblings. It does mean you’re always “on” or prepared to be “on” though if you have a lot of kids.

I have 4 and had my last at 41 with a big age spread, so have a toddler and a teen and two in between. This is spot on. They don't need you at the same time or in the same ways (you can feed a baby while having a meaningful conversation with a teen or tween; their bedtimes are staggered), but the collective need is A LOT. Some days, too much (and I don't work). But the four of them together absolutely melts my heart. I have no idea if they'll be close as adults, but being one of four is definitely teaching them more about getting along with different kinds of people and different ages of people than i learned as one of two.

[Anonymous]

Get a hobby and be thankful for what you have.

Ngl, this type of thinking is nuts if you otherwise have healthy, neurotypical kids and conceived without too much difficulty.

With a fourth kid at your age (and your DH's old sperm), the odds this next kid has issues goes up markedly. Adding a non-neurotypical kid will turn your household and marriage upside down.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. You only live once.

- Get a surrogate.
- IVF

[Anonymous]

The teen years are so hard, even with great kids. I think you will have your hands full again in no time - you are just in the brief golden window of parenting (no preschoolers, no teens)