Regret not having one last child

[Anonymous]

I am now 42 and know I am realistically too old for another baby. But DH and I always talked about having 4 kids. That was always the plan. But we had our 3rd baby during COVID lockdown and it was sooo hard. It really broke me for a while. Having 3 kids 5 and under was so much so we never went for another kid. Then life got in the way and before I knew it I was over 40 and figured I was too old for another kid.

Now we have elementary aged kids and I just wish we had sucked it up and had that last kid when I was still in my 30s. Maybe I will always think our family isn’t complete.

[Anonymous]

Can’t relate personally but also plenty of people have a baby at 42, especially a last baby.

[Anonymous]

To your last point: probably. Your youngest is what, in Kindergarten? Those are awesome years. Don't let the shadow of something that never existed interfere in your enjoyment of now.

My experience is a lot of people go through a "what am I doing" around this age. People re-examine jobs, families, etc. It can be useful but it can also get messy.

[Anonymous]

If your finances, health and stress levels allow you…go for it anyway? Now is the time to try. Not 3 more years and then really have closed the door without looking back. I am wistful for a third we thought we’d have and didn’t. DH got a vasectomy so I wouldn’t keep wondering each month if there was still a chance. (Mutually decided.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t relate personally but also plenty of people have a baby at 42, especially a last baby.

My mom had her last at 42 and it was pretty rough on her, she was in the hospital a lot. Obviously everyone is different but it's not a choice I'd make for myself.

[Anonymous]

Yep, maybe you will always regret it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

People, life is full of regrets. Regretting that you didn't have a 4th child is something you can learn to live with. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I always wanted 3, but the stress of 2 was hard so we stopped. And we love our family, no regrets. Just because you planned it doesn’t mean it has to happen: or if it didn’t, then there is truly something missing.

Having 2 high schoolers now—it’s a lot of mental and emotional work to parent this age! Getting one into college so far and worrying about the finances for just 2 college educations. I can’t imagine 4.

You have a lot of work still ahead of you with the 3 that you have. Just sit back and enjoy the ride

[Anonymous]

Op I feel like you have posted about this before. I'd dig deep and think about what is actually underlying this desire to have more kids. I would venture to guess it's more about enjoying something about the baby years than actually wanting to have four kids to support emotionally, logistically, financially, etc.

[Anonymous]

Planning to have four kids sounds to me like the naïveté of people who don't understand what having kids entails in this day and age. You learned via experience and made a different decision. That is the way life works. If this really persists in bothering you, I'd go to therapy to talk it out.

[Anonymous]

You are regretting the kid you imagine you would have gotten. What if that kid is not what you imagined? Like what if they never got to the point in life where they could live independently or they were violent and the rest of your family lived in fear of them. Regardless, you still have time if that's what you really want because there is no sense in regretting the choices you made - and not having another baby is a choice.

[Anonymous]

My one and only just finished his first year of college. I wanted two, DH was overwhelmed by one so we didn’t have another - the no vote wins. I was devastated for years. Not just wistful, not just regret, but bitterly gutted and angry.

And you know what? I haven’t regretted it for years and years. The longing faded by the time our one kid was about 10, and by the time he was a teen I was fully happy we had just the one. At this point I absolutely wouldn’t go back and change it if I could.

There is no one right choice. We adapt and learn to appreciate and value our lives as they are. My son wouldn’t be the same person if we had another. Our family dynamic would be different. Would it be good? Sure! But this is good, too, so why would I want something else?

You won’t always feel this longing, OP. If having another isn’t practical/rational for you maybe that assurance can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are regretting the kid you imagine you would have gotten. What if that kid is not what you imagined? Like what if they never got to the point in life where they could live independently or they were violent and the rest of your family lived in fear of them. Regardless, you still have time if that's what you really want because there is no sense in regretting the choices you made - and not having another baby is a choice.

That’s true. You can’t know the path not taken. A fourth kid could disrupt the equilibrium you have now, and add struggles you never imagined.

I can’t imagine having three healthy kids who are obviously thriving (or you wouldn’t be contemplating a 4th), and not feeling like your family is complete. I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings, but you’ve got it good!! Count your blessings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now 42 and know I am realistically too old for another baby. But DH and I always talked about having 4 kids. That was always the plan. But we had our 3rd baby during COVID lockdown and it was sooo hard. It really broke me for a while. Having 3 kids 5 and under was so much so we never went for another kid. Then life got in the way and before I knew it I was over 40 and figured I was too old for another kid.

Now we have elementary aged kids and I just wish we had sucked it up and had that last kid when I was still in my 30s. Maybe I will always think our family isn’t complete.

Why four? It sounds like your three children are closely spaced. A fourth now will always be in a different place from the other three. It would be more like an only child.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I still regret not having a third (kids are teen/tween), but I regret it less with each passing year. I doubt I’ll ever be GLAD we didn’t have more kids, but I can appreciate what I have. You’ll get there if you try to focus on your current kids and all you do have. But it may take years and years to feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now 42 and know I am realistically too old for another baby. But DH and I always talked about having 4 kids. That was always the plan. But we had our 3rd baby during COVID lockdown and it was sooo hard. It really broke me for a while. Having 3 kids 5 and under was so much so we never went for another kid. Then life got in the way and before I knew it I was over 40 and figured I was too old for another kid.

Now we have elementary aged kids and I just wish we had sucked it up and had that last kid when I was still in my 30s. Maybe I will always think our family isn’t complete.

boo hoo