13yo feels left out without phone

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds like not a great guy. You’ve now mentioned 3 women he can’t have a reasonable conversation with- you, ex, and DD.

DD feels left out bc she is. My DD has a smart phone but time limits per day on texting. Safari and you tube are blocked all the time. She can use internet on home desktop and it’s downstairs, not in her room so we’re all milling about. She has no social media

She has full access to phone calls and other messaging platforms used for school or clubs.
It’s always a WIP to manage but they have to learn to live with tech while still under your guidance and supervision.

As far as what to do now- say to DH you would lie to discuss. Apologize for going behind his back. If he won’t have a civilized conversation with you, walk out of the room until he does.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she have even a flip phone? Not today after the school issue of course, but soon. When we were kids, there were pay phones and you could ask to use the school phone etc etc. That's not the case now. It's a safety issue IMO to not have a phone - a 13 year old is surely away from you regularly.

We did get our 12 year old a phone (iPhone because we gave in to the peer pressure, i will admit that). But she has no internet, no social media. It's a communication device to talk to her friends and text her friends. No expectation of privacy and I can see everything.

I know that it's your DH who is opposed but maybe the safety issue will convince him. Phones are a big part of socializing these days, sadly.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13YO and every one of their friends has either a phone, ipad or apple watch. Yes she is left out if she has no way to communicate with her friends outside of school. But as a step-parent you probably need to stay out of it and let your DH and his ex set the rules.

I believe that kids need to learn how to use technology and eventually social media and that its important to introduce these things gradually and under supervision. Kids will make mistakes and learn lessons. We have a contract so everyone understands the rules and we constantly talk about how everything you say or post is out there forever. We occasionally read our kids text and will talk about anything that is close to the line or things their friends might do that would be against our rules. Our school also has very firm rules and if they were broken there would be significant consequences. My kids understand that phone use is a privilege not a right.

[Anonymous]

I hope you live in a jurisdiction where she can choose who she wants to live with soon. She needs a locked down smart phone and it should be in her mother’s name so her dad can’t vandalize it or threaten to take the number away when she’s in college and he wants to control her.

She acted out in a relatively harmless but very obvious way. She’s living with an abusive father and waving a flag saying HELP ME. She’s going to need some therapy around healthy communication, conflict resolution, and boundaries.

Finally, your husband has major issues. He needs to go to therapy and correct them. He probably won’t. You should leave. At the very least do NOT have children with him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not even 30 years old. There is still time to start over. I met me husband a month before I turned 31. We have two kids and are very happy together more than 20 years later. Leave this man. Stay in touch with the teen and her mom if you want to. But you need to move on from this. Things will get worse with your husband.

[Anonymous]

She needs atleast something to call on during emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t reward a tantrum, and you are letting the kid get between you and DH.

My thirteen year old doesn’t have a phone and I know of one other, so it’s uncommon but not rare. Plus, some things are more important than fitting in.

After this has passed over, talk about other ways to send messages - like a watch or iPad. There are muddle grounds hut you need to repair these relationships first.

daughter age 12 almost 13 has a pinwheel - which I added spotify too and not she is on reels. But many of friends still only have watches. One just got a phone. These are kids whpo are all late 12 or already 13.

This current cohort is not being allowed phones like earlier ones so don't beleive her.

It is REALLY hard to put the worm back in the can. My daughter now watches influencers! Stand by your husband's rules but tell him to calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a 13 year old daughter, and lately she’s been begging him to buy her a new iPhone. He keeps saying no. She gets really upset—crying, yelling, saying all her friends have one and she feels left out and even bullied.

Right now she doesn’t have any personal devices, just TV at home. I get why he’s strict, but I also remember being that age, and how important it felt to stay connected to friends. I also think about safety and being able to reach her.

Sometimes she asks to use my phone to message her friends, and I’ve let her. Well today, she took my phone to school and was on social media during class, first thing in the morning. The school contacted my husband, and now he’s furious. Her school doesn’t allow kids to use phones, so now she’s in trouble with the school. My husband went to the school to pick up the phone early, and instead of handing the phone to me, he threw the phone in an another direction. He grounded her (which consists of writing repeating phrases, no electronics, no hangouts, nothing, only homework), and is also really upset with me, giving us both the cold shoulder.

I didn’t know she took it this morning—I would not have allowed that. But I also get that me letting her use my phone at all probably led to this.

What should I do now? How do I fix things with my husband, and also handle this going forward? Do all 13 year olds have phones? Shes insistent.

There has to be more to this story.

Where is the mom in the picture? Have you met her? I almost wonder if he kidnapped his daughter and is isolating her so mom can’t track her down

“ Right now she doesn’t have any personal devices, just TV at home.”

I’m actually pretty close with her mom and we talk frequently. My husband and she, on the other hand, really struggle to get along—they tend to clash—so I usually handle most of the communication with her. Her mom feels strongly that her daughter should have an iPhone, but with restrictions in place for safety. My husband, on the other hand, is hesitant about her having a phone at all and would prefer to wait until she’s 16–18. We’re trying to find some kind of compromise. She’s in 7th grade, doesn’t care much about general screen time, and mostly just wants a way to text her friends. She does enjoy watching TV shows, though.

So what’s stopping her mom from getting her one. What her does with her on her visitation days and what she buys her aren’t your DH’s decisions. Even if phone stays at moms house, at least she’d have one 50% of the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any 13 year olds who didn't have their own phone for a while. I think that probably contributed to her feeling like it's crack she can't get enough of when she has it.

DH shouldn't have thrown the phone.

Question-- You said she only has TV at home. so when something juicy happens at school and 3 of her friends go on Facetime to talk about it and laugh and just be teens... that's something she's not allowed to participate in?

Why? To me this isn't strict, it's cruel. Her actions are the consequences of her father's terrible decisions.

Well- the kid stole stepmom’s phone, brought it to school, and was on social media in class. Clearly she didn’t just want to “communicate with friends.” She doesn’t sound mature enough for a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, the age gap between daughter and OP, and between OP and husband?

I’m young, somewhere in 20s, but we’ve been married six years. Husband is 44.

Hah. So the age-inappropriate stepmom is more concerned with being the "cool" friend than safeguarding her stepdaughter's mental health, and the man who intentionally sought out a relationship with a huge power imbalance has both control issues and abusive reactions to his control being challenged?

You don't say? If only there were any colored flags along the way to warn you.

[Anonymous]

1) Can a watch be a compromise? How does she currently communicate that she needs picked up after the movies? My 14 year old only has a watch (we said phone can come when he drives).

2) Your DH sounds scary controlling.

3) You way overstepped step mom boundaries by going behind DH's back and giving daughter access to the phone he doesn't want her to have. As stupid as DH's rules are, he and mom get to make the decision, not you. Mom can give her a phone at her house, dad can say no phone at his house, you don't get a say.

[Anonymous]

Your husband…yikes. Huge red flags. HUGE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well clearly she can't handle a phone so I'd tell her I'd think about it in another 3 or 6 months.

That’s not true. She finally got one and couldn’t hold back another minute. With the father being such an extreme person she might have problems with social media at an older age. It will be his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not even 30 years old. There is still time to start over. I met me husband a month before I turned 31. We have two kids and are very happy together more than 20 years later. Leave this man. Stay in touch with the teen and her mom if you want to. But you need to move on from this. Things will get worse with your husband.

I agree although I would hate to leave the 13 year old alone with him. He sounds like a real unlikable guy.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that she is left out and it is going to hurt her socially. The trick will be to teach her how to use the phone responsibly and in a limited way. We held off on getting our daughter a phone until pretty late and in hindsight, I regret it.