13yo feels left out without phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, the age gap between daughter and OP, and between OP and husband?

I’m young, somewhere in 20s, but we’ve been married six years. Husband is 44.

Yeah teen phone aside, your relationship is screwed up…he’s treating you like his kid not his wife.

In 20s, married 6 years.

So this late 30s dude was dating a teen or someone barely 21, when his own daughter was 8.

There is some very bad mojo here… where is mom in all this? She also says no phone??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re grounded for a week. Write a 3 sentence apology letter.

Why wasn’t your phone locked?

Its locked, she knew the password.

Why?

I don't know spouse's password on their phone.

Any road, ours will not have a smart phone at age 13. There is a tiny chance we might allow a very restricted phone - one that can only call us or grandparents or 911 or other people we approve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He threw the phone?

Um, yeah. I was wondering when people were going to find the MAIN point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has an iPad she uses to communicate with friends. Would that work?

I think that's fine if they are young and not really doing things independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid who doesn’t have a phone is never gonna learn how to handle it.

I think it should get them in eighth grade so that they can learn the rules around them before they enter high school.

Your husband is irrationally strict, but this isn’t your child so, as the step parent, you just have to watch him make mistakes.

Contradiction? Most kids turn 13 in 7th grade, by 8th most are on their way to being 14. I'd say by the end of 6th/start of 7th the percentage without a phone is really low.

[Anonymous]

This is not normal. A 13 year old needs something to communicate with friends. How about a locked down iPad for FaceTiming friends while at home, and a dumb phone or better yet Apple Watch for going out so she has a way to get in touch?
Schools are moving towards no cell phones during the school day so she shouldn’t feel left out not having a phone at school but it’s very unfair to just block a kid from participating socially.

Your DH isn’t being realistic.

In the 90s I had cousins whose parents were conservative evangelicals and they did not have TV or video games or junk food. When my cousins came to my house, they couldn’t handle it and would binge and be totally sucked into the Nintendo and potato chips, like way more than my siblings and I ever were. There is something to teaching kids how to properly handle things rather than try to keep them away forever.

[Anonymous]

We waited until 14 and it was fine. But neither of my kids was particularly bothered. They each had at least one friend that also didn’t have a phone. This was recent too- in past couple yrs. But your situation is different. You probably don’t know her friends’ parents well and they are unlikely to make plans through you. My kids used computer to communicate with friends. She needs something: watch, computer, land line, something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, the age gap between daughter and OP, and between OP and husband?

Myob

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid has an iPad she uses to communicate with friends. Would that work?

I think that's fine if they are young and not really doing things independently.

13 yrs old arent independent. They pretty much always need parents to facilitate their plans or they aren’t happening.

[Anonymous]

The boys a liar

[Anonymous]

He had a temper tantrum. He needs to find a better strategy for parenting teens or you are in a rough five years.

Her FOMO is valid. She is definitely left out and probably a pariah socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We waited until 14 and it was fine. But neither of my kids was particularly bothered. They each had at least one friend that also didn’t have a phone. This was recent too- in past couple yrs. But your situation is different. You probably don’t know her friends’ parents well and they are unlikely to make plans through you. My kids used computer to communicate with friends. She needs something: watch, computer, land line, something.

Our kid got a locked-down phone (calls and texts, no internet or social media) at 13, and most of her friends had dumb phones or locked-down phones, too, not enabled smart phones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a 13 year old daughter, and lately she’s been begging him to buy her a new iPhone. He keeps saying no. She gets really upset—crying, yelling, saying all her friends have one and she feels left out and even bullied.

Right now she doesn’t have any personal devices, just TV at home. I get why he’s strict, but I also remember being that age, and how important it felt to stay connected to friends. I also think about safety and being able to reach her.

Sometimes she asks to use my phone to message her friends, and I’ve let her. Well today, she took my phone to school and was on social media during class, first thing in the morning. The school contacted my husband, and now he’s furious. Her school doesn’t allow kids to use phones, so now she’s in trouble with the school. My husband went to the school to pick up the phone early, and instead of handing the phone to me, he threw the phone in an another direction. He grounded her (which consists of writing repeating phrases, no electronics, no hangouts, nothing, only homework), and is also really upset with me, giving us both the cold shoulder.

I didn’t know she took it this morning—I would not have allowed that. But I also get that me letting her use my phone at all probably led to this.

What should I do now? How do I fix things with my husband, and also handle this going forward? Do all 13 year olds have phones? Shes insistent.

There has to be more to this story.

Where is the mom in the picture? Have you met her? I almost wonder if he kidnapped his daughter and is isolating her so mom can’t track her down

“ Right now she doesn’t have any personal devices, just TV at home.”

I’m actually pretty close with her mom and we talk frequently. My husband and she, on the other hand, really struggle to get along—they tend to clash—so I usually handle most of the communication with her. Her mom feels strongly that her daughter should have an iPhone, but with restrictions in place for safety. My husband, on the other hand, is hesitant about her having a phone at all and would prefer to wait until she’s 16–18. We’re trying to find some kind of compromise. She’s in 7th grade, doesn’t care much about general screen time, and mostly just wants a way to text her friends. She does enjoy watching TV shows, though.

[Anonymous]

I'd find a way to make a phone for her work for all of you. Come up with rules as a family that will at least allow her time after school to communicate with her friends. You're cutting her off from something she wants to . . . and should . . . be part of outside of the school day.

When I was a tween/teen, the OG telephone was a social lifeline . . . I was on the phone with my friends for hours most evenings, and being forbidden from that contact would have had a significantly negative affect on my friendships and overall social experience at that age.

As for your husband, don't give in to his anger and control issues. His parenting is over-restrictive, and his disproportionate reaction to an understandable transgression is worrisome. Advocate for your daughter and stop letting him bully both of you.

[Anonymous]

I don't know any 13 year olds who didn't have their own phone for a while. I think that probably contributed to her feeling like it's crack she can't get enough of when she has it.

DH shouldn't have thrown the phone.

Question-- You said she only has TV at home. so when something juicy happens at school and 3 of her friends go on Facetime to talk about it and laugh and just be teens... that's something she's not allowed to participate in?

Why? To me this isn't strict, it's cruel. Her actions are the consequences of her father's terrible decisions.