How do you feel about being the "in-charge" parent for your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two friends who point to this exact problem being why they divorced their husbands and were much happier without them. I'm not there yet but fear on the same road. I can't stand people who do not take responsibility or play dumb. What kills me is that there wasn't anything in my husband's personality that gave me any indication he would be this way. He had a strong work ethic, is not lazy, his mother worked etc.

I did not sign up to be a cruise director or supervisor. I have very low standard and do not care how he does things. He drives me nuts in expecting detal directions, does not think to do anything without being told, and when he does do things its an event.

I want to re-instate this thread because I could use more advice about how to get equal parenting our of my husband, as the later posts of this thread addressed.

I am responding to this poster in particular because I feel the same way. My husband is take-charge, do anything. He works for a very important person with huge responsibilities and he can anticipate anything that person needs, before he knows he needs it, but he "can't" figure out what our 6 month old needs for a one day trip. Crazy.

So, how do I take a very capable man, who agreed to equal childcare before we had a child, and get our arrangement back on track? I do so much more than he does and I don't think that just explaining it to him will do it. This is not about doing things my way, it's about doing them at all. I do plan to have a conversation soon but more will be needed. What did you do that worked?

[Anonymous]

In my pre-baby days, I used to hear the OP's lament from so many working mothers that I knew. I decided that when I became a mother, I didn't want to feel stretched so thin.

I'd like to say that I became an SAHM because I never wanted to be apart from my DC. But really, I became a SAHM because I didn't want to work my a** off at the office, and then be on-duty at home all the time also. I thought I'd resent my husband if he expected me to be both bread-winner and fulltime house manager and mother.

Of course, the joke was on me because I never get a break now. There are some days when being at the office would be oh, so lovely. But I do think that I probably have less resentment about the fact that I'm the in-charge parent 24/7. It's what I signed up for.

[Anonymous]

I knew when I married my wonderful husband that he had many strengths and some weaknesses. Specifically, domestic weaknesses. Cannot organize, find things well, remember where to put things, or generally multi-task. Sigh. He brings a lot to the relationship, but not those things. I knew I would be the person to keep us on track domestically, and like a blind person developing acute hearing, I have had to strengthen my own domestic muscles.

What works for us is: 1. communication, both ways 2. deep breaths before we lose our tempers 3. mutual respect and 4. me letting go the idea that he will ever think like me or be the mom like me.

Luckily, my husband is willing to be delegated to. And he is also learning to "grow up" a bit since I don't have the time to treat him as the baby anymore! I literally used to help him pick his clothes and pack suitcases for trips! Hahaha! Now he's on his own much more, which is creating some self-reliance. I also leave him alone with our daughter, after several "lessons" on how to bathe, feed, etc., and let him fend for himself. If he starts to drive me nuts with some behavior (leaving dirty dishes out, etc.), then I tell him so calmly because I say I don't want to resent him for this behavior, etc. I have to bite my tongue when he takes 15 minutes to change a diaper, so long the baby is starting to fuss, because "that's his way" and he can't be rushed. If I need help I call out to him and he will help.

I would say: vent here all you want about not wanting to delegate, but in reality, you will most likely have to delegate (at least until the dad learns the schedule or develops some skills). WRITE OUT THE SCHEDULE AND POST IT. Remind the husband about the schedule. Treat the baby, and house, as "things we need to get done" and discuss how to split the work. Don't say "I need you/want you to do this...." say "this needs to get done," depersonalizing the situation. Make yourselves partners on how to accomplish the tasks.

And if your husband can't communicate and doesn't want to actually be a partner, that is a whole other kettle of fish for a therapist to figure out. If he just needs the direction or motivation, then give it to him. Is it annoying that we have to do it? CERTAINLY! Wish he could just read my mind, or better yet, think exactly like me. But, use this as a great opportunity to hone your parenting skills by training your husband in the way you'll eventually train your child---and flex the same amount of patience, to boot.

[Anonymous]

Men are capable of doing their part. There have been several suggestions that they are somehow wired for failure in childcare, and that is just plain wrong.

I think it takes a few key things, probably all stated by previous posters, to make it work:

1. Be explicit about sharing responsibilities from the start, if you didn't discuss it before getting pregnant. This involves acknowledging the career demands on each of you and coming up with a reasonable balance.

2. Be flexible about how things get done. One parent is always more in need of order or schedule or strictness than the other. There has to be some middle ground between parenting styles. If it is one parent's rules, it will be one parent's job.

3. Be positive, provide encouragement, and can the unnecessary criticism. Today I went out on errands, and my wife forgot to feed lunch to DS because I always do it. I could have been critical, but she did breastfeed him and he got some solids later on. So no harm, no foul.

4. Avoid micromanaging in the home. We have all seen the micromanaging boss, the one who dictates every little detail to the employees. In return, the employees only do only what they are told. This then reinforces the belief that the boss must micromanage. It's a vicious cycle. Well, your husbands are probably very accomplished individuals who can't stand to be treated this way.

5. Switch jobs once in a while. Or go away for a few days and leave your spouses in charge. It helps develop an appreciation for what the other one does.

[Anonymous]

You have to let them alone with the child. It seems like it is all intuitive, but that is because you've been doing it since your child was born. What seems intuitive to you is strange and foreign to your husband. We started with "Sunday nights Daddy does bedtime" a year ago. I had to actually leave the house at first for it to work (my baby would hear me and cry and I would rush in to "help" and just get in th way). It's worked wonders. My husbad is now more comfortable with knowing what to do. He does do things differently, but my DS just adjust. Daddy does one thing, mommy does another.

Now, I could still use SO much more help from my DH at times, but at least he now knows how to help...he just doesn't always choose to do it.

[Anonymous]

When our bundle of joy arrived, we fought more in the first year of her life than we had in our entire marriage. During one of our screaming matches, I yelled, "...and if you see f***** dirty dishes in the sink, put them in the f***** dishwasher!!!!" From then on, if there was a cup in the sink, he put it in the dishwasher. OK, so we had one household task under control. But if I did not do the laundry, plan Christmas, get errands done, nothing got done. So during another knock down drag out fight, I screeched, "...if you see that something needs to be done, f***** do it!!! How many g** d**** weeks does the f****** clean laundry need to stay in the basement before you take it upstairs and put it away??? I dragged it down, washed it, dried it, folded it, and you want me and my c-section to carry it upstaris and put it away too?" So, now he is better about these things.

I frankly have not had concerns about my husband and his childcare abilities. I just left him to it and no one has been happier than my daughter and my husband. I also worked about 80 hours a week when she was born so I did not have much choice. He had to be able to take care of her if he wanted my income. And they are a mutual admiration society. He can do anything with her. He takes her grocery shopping, to run errands with him, to the mall. No problems with dealing with her. He simply isn't great at dealing with child and anything else.

I email a monthly schedule to my husband. Social obligations -- who is responsible for getting the babysitter, work stuff -- who is working late, who is picking up when, etc. He LOVES it. I also hired a nanny to deal with after school time. She comes early once a week and does errands for me. And when I say for me, I mean my errands to take care of me and not necessarily the family. This has been the greatest thing ever and it costs me about $20 extra per week. She does grocery shopping, pick ups and drop offs of dry cleaning, shoe repair, etc. It is FANTASTIC and it gives me so much more than 2 hours in a week. I also stopped nagging about stuff I wanted done and just hired someone to do it. If my husband complained, I just said, "Sure, I will cancel them tomorrow. I guess we should probably give away the football tickets since we will be doing yardwork all weekend. Bummer! I was really looking forward to the game." He could not reverse his position fast enough.