How do you feel about being the "in-charge" parent for your child?

[Anonymous]

Sigh - this could also be our household. We actually go to a marriage counselor and this is a problem we've been working on for quite some time. What I've learned is part of this dynamic is caused by the way we were raised (in my house, my mom worked and did everything until she could delegate it all to me; in DH's house, his mom was a virtual slave and passively/agressively let family live in a constant state of neglect). Thus, I have "the stuff" necessary to get things done, DH, not so much. So by default, I will always be the "in-charge" parent, the person who does the majority of cooking, shopping, cleaning, paperwork, etc. But that doesn't mean I have to do it all or that DH doesn't want to help (he does, he just doesn't have a lot of "tools" to get things done without some direction from me).

In our house, this means lots of delegation on my part. I've also learned to praise DH for all kinds of things and to leave things alone when they aren't done "my way." We also have certain tasks that DH performs nightly - he reads the stories and puts DD to bed. I'm the bath person, so on those nights, DH cleans up after dinner (he's gotten so he will clean up even after putting DD to bed some nights). On weekends, DH takes DD out so I can have time to clean the house (yes, I'm still doing lots of cleaning, but I do delegate that as well). DH will shop with a list I provide and cook if I give him general instructions, even making me a bag lunch. DH will do the research for any investments we make. DH feeds DD and dresses her in the morning while I get ready for work. It's definitely not a perfect system, but what I have noticed is that DH really is growing as a parent and partner. It certainly can be frustrating to have to ask for what you think they should know "Honey, DD needs breakfast - could you feed her?" but sometimes DH thinks I've already done it, and that's ok too. And it may seem ridiculous to have to heap praise on a 40-year old, but if it means he'll do the dishes, I can say "thanks so much honey, I really appreciate your help."

[Anonymous]

I totally feel the same way. working mom, totally exhausted, and responsible for nearly everything having to do with DS (10 months). I must say, though, that DH has responded to having specific tasks. for example, we switch off on the morning feedings (which can be as early as 5:30 a.m.), at my request. he didn't like the idea at first, but has gotten great at holding up his end of it. I'll also ask him to get the baby dressed. (after I pick out the outfit, of course!) he'll always help me give a bath.

I hate to say... but things have to be very simple and specific with DH. he needs to be told EXACTLY what to do. he either feigns ignorance or really can't figure it out himself. I mean, honestly, how hard is it to pick out a baby's outfit?

[Anonymous]

I can see that one person would need to be the "leader", but it sure would be nice to get help without asking for it.

[Anonymous]

"Sounds like someone hit a nerve PP. Are you SURE that's the way it is? Protesting a little too much, wouldn't you say? "

Yes, I am sure that's the way it is. Why do you think you have a better idea of how I live than I do? My husband is very much involved in all household chores and childcare, and always has been. I am serious when I say I would have a serious problem being married to him if he was not. We are truly equal partners.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I thought "TOTAL BULL SH*T" was dead on.

It wasn't just the sexist world view she was objecting to, but the tone of the poster who seemed to have no sense that not all families are exactly like hers.

[Anonymous]

Amen 12:33.

I am with you. I have an equal partner and can't imagine it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I thought "TOTAL BULL SH*T" was dead on.

It wasn't just the sexist world view she was objecting to, but the tone of the poster who seemed to have no sense that not all families are exactly like hers.

Me too. Well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, I thought "TOTAL BULL SH*T" was dead on.

It wasn't just the sexist world view she was objecting to, but the tone of the poster who seemed to have no sense that not all families are exactly like hers.

Me too. Well put.

Seriously. Not to rub it in to all the PPs, but my husband is a totally equal partner in our household and with our son. We don't have specific jobs, but we switch off and help each other do what needs doing. And our son lights up when he comes home (or when I come home, if my husband has picked him up).

[Anonymous]

I didn't want to hijack this thread, but I'd be really interested in hearing any advice/experiences on how to rebalance the scales between who does what at home. I'm reaching the end of my rope but every time I start a conversation on this my husband either laughs it off or the discussion devolves into mutual accusations / ultimatums. My husband and I both work FT, same hours and responsibilities. My husband is a great, loving dad, but ultimately I'm definitely the in-charge parent at the OP described -- in terms of getting up, feeding, going to bed, buying clothes, scheduling the doctor, researching schools. Beyond that I have always taken care of most of the domestic stuff -- grocery shopping, cooking, basic cleanup (we have 2x month cleaners), laundry. I do about 95% of the yard work (he insists on mowing the lawn, but usually only does it after repeated pleas) and I also deal with getting repairmen as needed and researching / contracting home improvements. My husband does more of the financial stuff, and he runs the vacuum most nights and handles the bath a few times a week... but that's about it.

I'm sure I'm to blame for some of this imbalance -- on a certain level it's easier just to load the dishwasher myself than to find cruddy plates shoved in there when he has done it -- but it's mostly the product of a guy who doesn't much care about domestic stuff and wasn't raised to be super-considerate. Half the time, I just think that this is OK - I'm pretty competent and I will do what needs to be done, and generally we get along really well. But more and more I feel like it's just not worth it.... Is there any alternative to either putting up with this or threatening a divorce?? Please help!

[Anonymous]

PP that sounds like my marriage. We were in counselling for a while, and housework/childcare was mostly what we talked about. I'm a SAHM, and I've decided that my job is to be a nanny. That means I do childcare during the day, feed lunch, arrange the kids appointments and schedules, do research about parenting/doctors/schools etc., and pick up after the kids during the day.

I want the rest of the cleaning, weekends, etc to be split between me and DH. For some reason, for us setting up chores to be done each day or on designated days works,
*if* he likes them. DH cares for the kids mornings and does baths at night, and cares for DC #2 while I put DC #1 to bed. So I feel we split that well. But cleaning is a different story. The only thing that works is splitting the cooking by nights. He likes cooking, so he'll even plan meals and make grocery lists for his nights. But cleaning -- forget it! I've resorted to leaving all the dishes out until he does them, on the nights when he cooks. He'll leave them until morning, it drives me nuts and attracts ants. Cleaning the bathroom is his job (as negotiated) but I swear he cleans it less than once a month. Unless I arrange a playdate at our house -- that's really annoying, like the bathroom needs to be clean for guests but not for us! This is in a house with two boys still learning to use the potty... you get the picture. The lawn is more than 3 inches high, gutters uncleaned (those're his jobs too.) I've tried setting up schedules for chores, but it never works. If I bring it up he agrees to do stuff, but then he doesn't. If we argue about it he'll do a few things the next day because he feels guilty, but the pattern doesn't change. I'm just venting I guess, I wish I had a solution... Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Well, I have an idea that I've implemented at our house, but it's not optimal AND it's causing an entirely different kind of marital strife.

I no longer (for the most part) stew and fume over unclean toilets, gutters, baseboards and the weedy yard because I have unilaterally hired other people to do a lot of this.

But here's the catch. We are not the affluent family that posts all the time in DCUM about making $500K a year. No, we're solidly middle class, even struggling some months, and we really can't afford to have a housecleaner as often as we do, nor the pet groomer, nor the yard guys.

Now, our not-infrequent fights are no longer about dishes and inequitable distribution of evening/weekend chores. Now we argue each week about how "I" need to tell "(fill in service provider)" not to come so often because we can't afford it.

So I say, 'hey fine. X can come just once and month and YOU can do the yard/wash the dog/dust the whole house.'

FWIW, I certainly do a shitload of drudge work during the "nanny hours," as has been described well by PPs. But come evenings/weekends .... we're either dividing it up or *I* am writing a check we can't afford to pay someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

I think the PPs approach would work with a lot of guys who would prefer to read the paper or watch sports until they realize it's costing them $400 /month.

[Anonymous]

11:18 poster here: We were thinking about hiring people. In fact, that's what we were going to do with the $ not spent on (useless to us) counselling. I *hate* hiring people and it got added to the endless list of things not done... . This thread is inspiring me to do it, though.

[Anonymous]

wow. I'm glad I'm not alone. Although-reading everyone's post makes me feel like I made the wrong choice. I almost had a child on my own-instead I got married and now have two.

I'm almost at my wits end-b/c despite what some of the previous posters say about oh they're just men etc. I bet noone has to tell them what to do at work-why is it different at home?

I just told mine its change or out.

[Anonymous]

Hi. I posted a few times. We started out with egalitarian beliefs but with me in charge. We now split things.

I can't give too much advice, since my illness is part of how we got to a more balanced place - I just couldn't help. I can also tell you that part of how we got here was because I let a whole lot go. For example: a) I don't pick out my child's outfit, and only interject if he's underdressed for the weather. b) the house is not as clean as it could be, but I still let people in to visit. c) I have unilaterally refused to do the hiring for housekeeping (that's being in charge), and therefore we don't have a housekeeper.

I think another key to success was that the two have gone away without me a few times. Child always had fun, and Dad never killed him. A few low-blood-sugar-induced tantrums and dad started remembering snacks.

Oh, and some major blowouts.

Good luck 15:15. Now YOU change. Let the grass grow. Let the children be rumpled and unmatched. Let dinner be spaghetti. Let go..... Make it costly for hubby to keep on with his lazy ways!