How do you feel about being the "in-charge" parent for your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You nailed it. Being "in charge" 24-7 was the biggest challenge. I was not a stay-at-home parent. My husband certainly did his share of the doing, but absolutely none of the thinking. It eventually changed when I got sick - I could basically handle work and then rest. My child did not die, or starve, or go to school in dirty clothes!!!!

The problem with delegating a la 13:35 is that you remain in charge even though you get relief on a job.

You hit the nail on the head. They do when they are told to do, but don't do any of the thinking!

Arrrrggghhh....yessssss! Thank you for articulating what drives me insane about my husband.

[Anonymous]

I have the same dilemna. He'll do anything I ask, but I have to ask most of the time. My issue now is reigniting the spark...it's hard to then turn gears back to being a sexual partner with him when I feel that I've been his supervisor, delegating tasks all week....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 'downside' is that we intuitively know what the infant needs, when he/she needs it etc... and therefore 'nature' to a certain extent puts us ''in charge''. The more we delegate and can accept help the better, but we may not be able to completely re-engineer the situation.

I disagree with this. I certainly didn't intuitively know what my children needed all the time. Sometimes my husband understood them better than I did. But that didn't stop me from wanting to be in charge because, after all, I'm the mother.

The danger of this approach, I think, is that when "mothers know best," fathers can become disempowered, to use an awful neologism, and as a result may lose interest in helping. The solution may lie in stepping back and letting them take charge of some of the important (and fun!) areas of parenting, rather than assigning them piecemeal tasks that really anyone could do (restocking wipes, trimming nails, etc.).

You (you generally, not OP) chose this person to have a family with. You have to trust him, even if he doesn't do things the way you do. (Advice that I don't always find easy to accept myself.)

[Anonymous]

I often refer to myself as the "default" parent.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and my husband has given me the title of "Director of Childcare and Home Services," and it pretty much fits even though he was kidding. My husband is a great father though, so I'm not complaining. Before the baby, pretty much all our fights stemmed from my feeling that I did all the housework and felt he didn't help enough - I'd be doing the dishes (after making dinner) and he'd be sitting in the other room watching TV never bothering to offer to help. When confront him about it, he'd get upset and tell me to just ask him when I needed help and not get angry about it. Well, I didn't want to ask, I wanted him to offer. In fact, I didn't want him to "help," I wanted him to take responsibility for stuff. Anyway, we sort of met in the middle, but now that I'm not working anymore, it's all on me again. Ohhh well, at least I'm not working AND doing everything else. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

PP here: (the one who doesn't like to tell her husband what to do because then I am still in charge).

Thanks to the single moms who posted. Reminded me of something....

There were days I used to call my "single mom days" - those were the days when I wished I was a single mom because as a single mom, I would still be doing everything, but could do it without the resentment.

Should stress - we solved this by the time the little guy turned 3.

[Anonymous]

So glad to know I am not the only one in this boat. Interestingly, if I ask my husband to take on a particular task he gets really pissy about it. It does me absolutely no good to talk to him about what needs to be done, imbalance of work, etc. He gets really upset that I think he is not doing enough because evidently he is doing sooooo much. Here is what I did. I came home late from work and noticed as usual that our daughter's lunch was not made for the next day, her backpack was not unpacked, her clothing was not ready for the next day. In short, NOTHING was done for the morning. As luck would have it, he was scheduled to drive her to school in the morning. I took a deep breath and went to bed. The next morning when we got up, I said, "Oh hey, when you wake her up if you grab her clothes, I will get her dressed before I go to walk the dog." His face was priceless as he realized he had no clothes for her to wear. He raced downstairs and threw something together and raced back upstairs. I started getting my daughter dressed and talking to her as my husband got ready to get in the shower. "Wow!! You are getting really good at buttons. Are you ready for school today? What did you and daddy decide on for lunch today? Did you have fun making lunch with daddy last night?" I swear he ran downstairs naked and made lunch so I would not see that he forgot. When we got everything done and were downstairs I put her lunch in her backpack and noticed some papers and pulled them out -- a worksheet to finish. So I said, "Oh sweetie. One more worksheet to do. Did you guys get too busy last night? Playing with daddy is way more fun than worksheets!" By this point, he was practically hyperventilating. He got the message loud and clear. I came home late to night -- lunch made, clothes ready, homework done. Awesome.

[Anonymous]

I think the poster who said you need to let go a bit gets to the root of my issue. Because my husband grew up in a very different household where really no one was taken care of, he overcompensates for the kids. Which leaves me to being the household manager fulltime. He plays and spends lots of time with the kids and I clean the house, organize the kids stuff, make meal plans, buy the food, handle the school stuff, cook the food, handle social calendar, etc etc. I finally lost it and insisted he do something so now he doing some of the cleaning (basement) and he cleans the dishes after dinner. But while i would do the dishes right after dinner (or at least that night), sometimes he waits until morning which really makes me angry. I feel like sometimes he just puts the dishes in the sink (his mother does the same thing when she comes for her 3 week visit) hoping that someone else (me) will come along and do them. He looks at me like its my problem that i want a decently clean house and not strewn with art work and toys on the floor. And so i end up doing the work. Finally I try to get the kids to help clean up (they are school age) but without his support it really goes nowhere. Sorry to vent!

[Anonymous]

I have two friends who point to this exact problem being why they divorced their husbands and were much happier without them. I'm not there yet but fear on the same road. I can't stand people who do not take responsibility or play dumb. What kills me is that there wasn't anything in my husband's personality that gave me any indication he would be this way. He had a strong work ethic, is not lazy, his mother worked etc.

I did not sign up to be a cruise director or supervisor. I have very low standard and do not care how he does things. He drives me nuts in expecting detal directions, does not think to do anything without being told, and when he does do things its an event.

[Anonymous]

We both work, and I too do most of the work. But my DH works longer hours. Still, he has discrete jobs in the house, like preparing the lunchbox and cleaning up from dinner after the little one's in bed. Also, when he comes home, we share, so I say: "do you want to give him the bath, I'll do X (re-heat his dinner, or prep something for myself.)" That works well.
But also, I've made a list to help him make lunches, so that he's in charge, he plans and executes it.

[Anonymous]

I am home half the year while husband travels working on his dream. In his pursuit, I do everything while he is away and while he is home. Not only does he not make any money (yet), he has cost me in "believing him" $50-$100k for the last five years. I have kept the faith but now I'm thinking maybe I'm a doormat no matter how much think love is important.

[Anonymous]

Like it or not, when you decide to have a child - they become your key account. You will know the shoe size, the bath time, the pediatrician, etc. When you bring a male into your life as a mate - you have to accept that they are a male. You can assign them childcare tasks, and some household responsibilities, but you have to accept that you are in charge - that is the way it is, and the way it has always been.
My daughter told me about this forum and asked me to read it. From experience I can tell you that as your children get older, you will be able to rely on your husband more for assistance. In fact, play your cards right, and you can really get him involved with the teenagers, which is a much bigger help than diapers and dishwashing.

[Anonymous]

"but you have to accept that you are in charge - that is the way it is, and the way it has always been. "

I am sorry, and flame me if you wish, but the above is TOTAL BULLSH*T!!!! It's this attitude that encourages men like OP's husband to sit around and do nothing and act like they need direction, instead of taking initiative.

No, I am not in charge, WE are in charge as both mother and father. And NO this is NOT the way it is, at least not in my house. If it was, I would be royally pissed and we would definitely have MAJOR marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like someone hit a nerve PP. Are you SURE that's the way it is? Protesting a little too much, wouldn't you say?

[Anonymous]

"When you bring a male into your life as a mate - you have to accept that they are a male. You can assign them childcare tasks, and some household responsibilities, but you have to accept that you are in charge - that is the way it is, and the way it has always been."


Oh, this isn't a male female issue. My house runs exactly the same as that of OP and many of the subsequent posters and we are both women. And before anyone suggests that this has something to do with birthing a child, ours are adopted.