How do you feel about being the "in-charge" parent for your child?

[Anonymous]

I am a working mom, but used to be a SAHM. To me, both jobs are just as hard (I actually thought being a SAHM was even more draining!). Come 5:30pm, when my husband and I get home from work, I am still the one that manages the rest of the evening, as far as our daughter goes. I am the one that "knows" when she needs to eat, what she needs to eat, when she needs her bath, nails clipped, diaper changed etc, etc. Same on the weekends. it made sense that I would know daughters schedule when I was a SAHM, but even then, you would think the husband could take a little more initiative with caring for our kid.

My husband helps, when I tell him to and when I tell him exactly what to do. Never mind that he has been living with us for over a year now-I would think that he would have figured out the routine by now. I would think hew would have noticed our kid's nails are super long, considering she scratches him all the time and he has commewnted on her nails being long! I tell him to clip them and he says that he is afraid to hurt her.

Last night, we got home from work and I immediately began making daughter's dinner. I fed her. Got her water. Gave her a bath. Clipped her nails....blah! blah! blah!

Today, I told him that he needs to take more initiative. He asked me what I meant. I told him that he should have know last night was bath time and seeing that I hadn't even eaten dinner by 8pm, he should have offered to bathe her. he said - how am I supposed to know it was bath day? HUH? I have told you tons of times and we have the same two days a week for baths! He then went on to say that the child related decisions, schedules, etc. are my job. I got the same crap when I was a SAHM, but worse!
Once in awhile, he will ask if she needs to be fed or changed (duh! check her diaper!), but otherwise he is just clueless!

There is no point in talking to him - he will only do what I tell him to do and never figure it out on his own. I need to be the director when it comes to our kid, whether it be setting up doctor's appointments, or keeping her clean and fed, if I don't tell him what to do, he will never do it on his own. How do you deal with something like this?

[Anonymous]

You could have been describing my house. But, here are my thoughts. Sometimes I am really really really tired because of all of the things that are my responsibility. But there is an upside. Because I take on the in charge role, I get to make most of the decisions. I don't know if you can appreciate it when the decisions are what day the baths are given and when fingernails are clipped. But, when it comes to preschools, babysitters, god parents, pediatricians, whether we join the pool, what to give the kids for Christmas and birthdays, you name it, I am left to decide. Not because I ask to or demand to, but because it's "my job". I even got to decide names for my kids once we narrowed it to the top three or five.

[Anonymous]

You have exactly expressed my dilemma. Except I never was a SAHM. I feel like I am the cruise director!!! Sorry to tell you that my son is three and things have only gotten a little better. I have learned that I need to be direct.

"Would you handle bath time tonight, I'd like to workout" instead of fuming that he didn't just do it.

GOOD LUCK!!!

[Anonymous]

You have to sit down and decide who does what duty. Sounds like your husband is very good about helping when delegated to but doing so day to day can get difficult and confusing for everyone. -- We split it up in our house, I feed her in morning, get her dressed...ready to go to daycare. Husband puts her in car, but almost all morning duties are mine (i am waaaay more of a morning person than he) -- only thing is when i am in shower he watches but I really try to shower before baby is awake (especially if i need to wash hair). -- At nite...I prepare dinner for family and baby - try to have on table by 6:30, husband picks baby up from daycare but it is really up to me to have dinner ready and this is important b/c it keeps us all on our routine. Many times this means, i prepare something very early morning i can just pop into oven in case traffic is bad or i have late meeting. -- I do plan the menu to be flexible around 'pizza nite' one nite a week and toss a salad with it. -- BUT after dinner - all other baby duties are hubbies, he baths her (though i set out jammies...) -- while they do bath, i do dishes...generally eat myself at same time b/c during our family meal time i am more focused on 21 month old eating and fetching this and that - but that is fine..we all sit down as family. -- once that is done I throw in load of clothes, put them in dryer right before bed. - then whether stuff is folded or not - we always have clean underwear

just decide what you are good at, and what hubby is good at - talk it out. It wont work perfectly every day and you will need to swap out routines. Maybe just start with him doing bath each nite......every little bit helps.
Good luck !

[Anonymous]

Mine is the same way. The bad thing is that now that the kids are a bit older, they don't want anything to do with their dad. God forbid he be the one to pick them up at daycare, heck they cry if they see him with me. My DH then feels rejected by his own children, and somehow he became even less involved.

[Anonymous]

I agree w. everything said, the good stuff (you get to choose the preschool) and not so good (kids don't like Dad so much). Tis the same in our house.

I totally totally urge you to delegate discreet jobs -- bath, nails, breakfast, restocking diapers/wipes, whatever. Just. Don't. Do. It. Yourself. Ever. (after informing DH, of course).

It's amazing how much mental health this buys you, even if things are still lopsided overall.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom so I do everything too. But nothing would piss me off more than having my son's father in the house and doing nothing. Let him know what needs to be done and then leave. He will get the picture.

[Anonymous]

You nailed it. Being "in charge" 24-7 was the biggest challenge. I was not a stay-at-home parent. My husband certainly did his share of the doing, but absolutely none of the thinking. It eventually changed when I got sick - I could basically handle work and then rest. My child did not die, or starve, or go to school in dirty clothes!!!!

The problem with delegating a la 13:35 is that you remain in charge even though you get relief on a job.

[Anonymous]

Delegation is good, but I think a division of labor is better. If one parent is going to be responsible for certain tasks--bathing, to take one example--then s/he should also be able to make most of the decisions in that area (with consultation as appropriate, of course), such as how often the kids are bathed, when they get bathed, whether they can have bath toys, whether they can have bubble bath, whether they can stand up in the tub, etc. I think what doesn't work is when Mom makes all the decisions and Dad is supposed to implement (or vice versa, but it rarely happens that way).

I've realized that part of the reason I am the in-charge parent (and sometimes feel resentful as a result) is that I am unwilling to give up control. I want to choose the presents, I want to buy the clothes, I want to schedule the activities, etc. If I really want my husband to pick up more of the load, I have to trust him to do these things, in his own way, and without constant nagging and advice from me.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom too. My first reaction is to feel slightly envious that there are two fo you sharing the burden, but then I realise that it is actually MUCH less stressful doing it all myself with no resentment- factor. Well done on trying to work on this. I grew up seeing my mom struggle with the same issue. My mom did everything, and loved to place the martyr role when in my opinion she could have worked on delegation and communication with my dad. He was well meaning, but just didn't 'get' the stuff that needed to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You nailed it. Being "in charge" 24-7 was the biggest challenge. I was not a stay-at-home parent. My husband certainly did his share of the doing, but absolutely none of the thinking. It eventually changed when I got sick - I could basically handle work and then rest. My child did not die, or starve, or go to school in dirty clothes!!!!

The problem with delegating a la 13:35 is that you remain in charge even though you get relief on a job.

You hit the nail on the head. They do when they are told to do, but don't do any of the thinking!

[Anonymous]

But at least they are helping! There are just some things in life that we may have to accept as mothers, including the fact that we may not be able to delegate everything no matter how 'equal' the relationship is. For a start we have the joy of carrying the child for 9 months and can't delegate that. The 'upside' is that we enjoy such a special and overwhelming bond that is not quite experienced by the father to the same degree. The 'downside' is that we intuitively know what the infant needs, when he/she needs it etc... and therefore 'nature' to a certain extent puts us ''in charge''. The more we delegate and can accept help the better, but we may not be able to completely re-engineer the situation.

[Anonymous]

From my own experience, which used to be a lot like yours, is that until it directly affects your husband, he will not see a need to change. For example, when my first child first went to daycare, and I was the one to fdrop her off, DH did nothing in the morning to help out - he would play with her - but it never occurred to him that maybe he could, say, put on her shoes or jacket, etc. to expedite the process. Now that we drop the kids off together and he has a much more vested interest in getting out of the house on time, he is more involved. Same goes for cooking dinner. I could leave him with food and a recipe but until he started doing some of the grocery shopping he never saw the "thinking" behind planning meals for a week.
Another thing that has added to DH taking more of the initiative is simply throwing him in the fire - that is, by me not being there (being away on a work trip, working late, etc) he has had to do those things by himself and learned. This has made him a lot more sympathetic to assisting me in the parenting duties. We switch off on baths, reading, getting up with the kids and grocery shopping. I still do more than he does but, as a PP said, that does give me more control, which I like.

[Anonymous]

There is no point in talking to him

Deadlier words were never spoken. Don't assume that you can talk to him and get things resolved. You're going to have to keep pushing (possibly in different ways, such as just not doing something).

Also, ask him: When he does do something, does he think of that as "helping"? If so, why? Does he think of it as "helping" when you do something? Does he view himself as equally responsible for the household? Does he want his children to be equally attached to him?

[Anonymous]

You may have to learn to let go of having things done the way you want them done. For example, why does there have to be a specific bath night?