Inability of 20yo DS to look for internships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this is the ideal outcome, but we have neighbors with a kid that sounds like your kid.

Has a college degree but never pursued any kind of career. Lives at home and holds a series of PT jobs, so he makes some money and keeps busy.

Kid is now in late 30s and parents are probably like late 60s and now look at their kid as eldercare so they can age in the house.

Doesn't seem like he will ever have a relationship and get married.

he's probably thinking he can eventually sell the house for $$$ once the parents die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I was the one who initiated his college search and managed all the deadlines". Then he shouldn't have gone to college, OP. He wasn't ready. He should have been the one applying, not you.

I completely disagree. A person can succeed in college even if applications are not his strength.

If this were your child, would you let him miss the opportunity for college just because he needed help with applications? Not me. I helped my son (with both college apps and internship apps) and he's now a college grad, working in a good job, and thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would he agree to use some sort of coaching service for this? Long-term planning is a skill he should work on. You may also need to let him fail a bit. He has showed you that he can do this when motivated.

Why can’t the parents help with teaching the kids organizational skills and practicing it until they become perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Name the field of study?? We can be more helpful if you narrow between say Marketing vs Social Service sector. I do think you are going to help him land an internship and then his first job. So maybe start seeing that clearly as opposed to hoping for something else to happen

OP here. Thank you everyone for the replies. He's in International Affairs, in DC. Wouldn't it be like shooting fish in a barrel? That's why I paid for a college in that location...

The study abroad program was a finite, structured event that was prominently described by his college, and so I think he had no trouble understanding the benefits and following application directions. But the nebulousness of not knowing where to look for an internship, when he has no friends and doesn't talk to his professors, is I believe what's tripping him up.

dp.. ok, but the fact that he was able to manage the study abroad program application process "because it was his dream program that he'd always wanted to do." tells you that if he *really* wanted something, he'd figure it out

Have him go to the college career services as a start, and ask them. Also, most colleges have career/internship fairs that he should be going to.

He may have SN, but he won't be handheld at work. At some point, he has to figure some of it out.

But, it sounds like even if you tell him what to do, he doesn't do it because he feels "overwhelmed". How is going to deal with deadlines and multiple projects at work? He has to figure it out.

OP here. That's the crux of the matter, PP, and my greatest long-term concern. He is slow, perfectionist and cannot multitask well. I can't live his life for him. I just don't want him ending up in my basement!

He'd be perfect at the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this is the ideal outcome, but we have neighbors with a kid that sounds like your kid.

Has a college degree but never pursued any kind of career. Lives at home and holds a series of PT jobs, so he makes some money and keeps busy.

Kid is now in late 30s and parents are probably like late 60s and now look at their kid as eldercare so they can age in the house.

Doesn't seem like he will ever have a relationship and get married.

The above is a lot of enablement and codependency.

I hope it is a deliberate strategy, like those who have adult kids with mental disorders. They are very open and deliberate amongst themselves to have supports, stay on treatment plan, work low stress jobs, marry or not but do not have kids. Basically avoid anything that will push an adult kid like that over the edge.

Then hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

How did DS apply and get into college if they're not able to apply for internships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he agree to use some sort of coaching service for this? Long-term planning is a skill he should work on. You may also need to let him fail a bit. He has showed you that he can do this when motivated.

Why can’t the parents help with teaching the kids organizational skills and practicing it until they become perfect?

I thought the same thing until we hired a coach! And now I see why it’s important to let coaches coach and parents be parents. It’s a team effort but having someone from the outside - the coach - step in and guide can really change the dynamic of the relationship in a good way! At least it did in our case. Things are calmer around here & our relationship with our daughter has been less tense since she’s started working with the coach. The coach has been helping her with organization, planning , her time management and so on. She’s more receptive when it comes from the coach not just mom/dad. It’s like your spouse can’t be everything - lover best friend, workout partner, caregiver, counselor, manager, emotional shoulder, etc. In some ways but it’s important to have other people in those roles too. Friends, family, co workers, neighbors, - that’s just my view.
For my daughter the EF coach has been a game changer! For us too! Hope that helps. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What kind of job do you think he will be able to do in the international relations field with his limitations? If he isn't going to be able to work in that field, would it make sense for him to talk to a career coach and figure out what he might actually be able to do and add a minor, get a professional certification, or try to get a part time job in that field? It's fine if he's interested in international relations and wants to study it, but if the goal is for him to be employed after graduation he might have to honestly assess his abilities. Plenty of people work in one field and maintain an interest in something else. A previous poster mentioned the DMV and he could do a lot worse than working there and being interested in IR outside of work. You missed the deadline for the Social security administration pathways internships but that could be good for next year, and maybe there are other state and federal government options... IRS?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he can step up when motivated.

I know it is hard, but maybe this is when he has to learn that if he drops the ball, it stays dropped.

[Anonymous]

Not every kid will succeed. Some wildebeests get eaten by the crocs in the river crossing, right?

If you don't want your kid to be in this situation then help him, practice with him, get him professional help...let him understand how he needs to navigate it with your strong support every step of the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he can step up when motivated.

I know it is hard, but maybe this is when he has to learn that if he drops the ball, it stays dropped.

... and he will learn this hard lesson. But, after that what is he supposed to do? Should he jump off a cliff after he learns his hard lesson? Or should you as a parent be guiding him to succeed?

Can't be a parent? Then, use a condom. Or just swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he agree to use some sort of coaching service for this? Long-term planning is a skill he should work on. You may also need to let him fail a bit. He has showed you that he can do this when motivated.

Why can’t the parents help with teaching the kids organizational skills and practicing it until they become perfect?

I thought the same thing until we hired a coach! And now I see why it’s important to let coaches coach and parents be parents. It’s a team effort but having someone from the outside - the coach - step in and guide can really change the dynamic of the relationship in a good way! At least it did in our case. Things are calmer around here & our relationship with our daughter has been less tense since she’s started working with the coach. The coach has been helping her with organization, planning , her time management and so on. She’s more receptive when it comes from the coach not just mom/dad. It’s like your spouse can’t be everything - lover best friend, workout partner, caregiver, counselor, manager, emotional shoulder, etc. In some ways but it’s important to have other people in those roles too. Friends, family, co workers, neighbors, - that’s just my view.
For my daughter the EF coach has been a game changer! For us too! Hope that helps. Good luck!

Do you mind sharing the EF coach information? I think this could be helpful for my son and we’ve been talking about the idea of getting a coach. Txs!

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update.

He got a entry-level summer job.

And, marvel of marvels, instead of trying to find an internship not entirely related to his major, he is doing a research project with a respected professor in his field!

I had to crack the whip for him to email professors and send reminders when they didn't respond, because he was worried about being rude, but after a month of emailing, he found someone willing to help.

I am so relieved. Now I have to make sure he actually does the work...

I think either he's going to become more responsible as he matures. Or he's just going to come crashing down when I get too old and decrepit to advise him. But at least I'll have pushed him as far as I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any tips or commiseration welcome.

I don't know how much autism and ADHD play into this situation, but my AuDHD college junior has never been able to apply independently to most things. I was the one who initiated his college search and managed all the deadlines, otherwise I think he would have missed all of them. For his freshman summer, I was the one who found him a local job, because he couldn't figure it out. He was hired again for sophomore year, thank God. He did a selective study abroad program, and this time was more independent about all the deadlines, because it was his dream program that he'd always wanted to do. But now here we are again, in his junior year, where I think he should have really tried to find an internship in his future field... and nothing. He apparently forgot or couldn't handle looking for anything before the start of the second semester, because he was abroad and doing his finals, and now can't find anything. I don't think he's genuinely looking, however.

I have no connections at all in his field of study, and don't know much about internship opportunities for that. He's extremely asocial, and has no friends to ask, and apparently can't even strike up a conversation with professors to talk about it.

He's so irritatingly passive and driving me up the wall!!!

Sigh.

NP- I am a mom of a HF autistic, ADD, anxious child. My child is also brilliant academically and has received services for his IEP since he was 3. When it was time to apply for junior internships I helped write his resume and I took him shopping for appropriate apparel. I also figured out when there were career fairs and gave him information on how to apply. He applied and interviewed for multiple internships in September of his junior year and had a few offers and signed one before thanksgiving. It turned into a permanent offer and he is working full time for the company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here with an update.

He got a entry-level summer job.

And, marvel of marvels, instead of trying to find an internship not entirely related to his major, he is doing a research project with a respected professor in his field!

I had to crack the whip for him to email professors and send reminders when they didn't respond, because he was worried about being rude, but after a month of emailing, he found someone willing to help.

I am so relieved. Now I have to make sure he actually does the work...

I think either he's going to become more responsible as he matures. Or he's just going to come crashing down when I get too old and decrepit to advise him. But at least I'll have pushed him as far as I can.

That's great OP.

Glad that this worked out.

As someone who is in this field (IR), even getting this is quite an achievement. At my office, we get dozens of applications for (unpaid/govt) interns and hire just one...you can imagine that for paid ones, the competition is worse.

I'll also say that for entry level positions, I routinely preferred to hire kids who had actually worked retail, restaurants, whatever because they'd actually worked and didn't think that setting up the conference room for an event was beneath them. But having someone who had done that AND been professor X's research assistant as well was the combo that we were looking for.