Inability of 20yo DS to look for internships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Name the field of study?? We can be more helpful if you narrow between say Marketing vs Social Service sector. I do think you are going to help him land an internship and then his first job. So maybe start seeing that clearly as opposed to hoping for something else to happen

OP here. Thank you everyone for the replies. He's in International Affairs, in DC. Wouldn't it be like shooting fish in a barrel? That's why I paid for a college in that location...

The study abroad program was a finite, structured event that was prominently described by his college, and so I think he had no trouble understanding the benefits and following application directions. But the nebulousness of not knowing where to look for an internship, when he has no friends and doesn't talk to his professors, is I believe what's tripping him up.

It sounds like he needs help figuring out how to get started. Open-ended tasks like this can be very challenging for our AuDHD kids. I'd ask him if he wants help figuring out how to start the search. If he does, help him learn how to get started. It probably feels overwhelming to him. Cognitive overload can lead to retreating. If he doesn't want your help, see if he'd like help from someone like an executive function coach. If he really doesn't want help with this, I wouldn't push beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about you let him fail a bit? AND *This is crucial* let there be consequences.

No job? No money. Now is the time to let him fail when it isn't make or break.

So make sure he knows what happens if he doesn't have a job - no money to spend next year in college. Or to fill up the gas tank of the car. Or to fly to visit a GF. Or whatever. Do not bail him out.

The problem is, he'd be fine with that. He's asocial and never spends anything or goes anywhere on his own volition. I'm not sure he'll ever meet someone and have kids. His idea of the perfect summer is lounging on the couch playing video games and generally being terminally online. He will walk the dog if I ask, or do other chores, and drive his younger sibling around if she needs it - ie, he's compliant when the request involved isn't too challenging for him - but he never takes any sort of initiative, even for things that he stands to benefit from, such as looking for an internship. He's not money-motivated at all. I guess that on top of executive function issues, there's social anxiety at interviewing and working with people. That's why I'm serious when I say I'm concerned that he's going to be failure to launch if I don't push him into a job/internship.

He’ll never be a failure to launch. He is a disabled adult. Please adjust your expectations.

100% agree. I think OP is just tired and hopes he leaves the home soon...

OP - I think any job is better than no job at all. Adjust your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about you let him fail a bit? AND *This is crucial* let there be consequences.

No job? No money. Now is the time to let him fail when it isn't make or break.

So make sure he knows what happens if he doesn't have a job - no money to spend next year in college. Or to fill up the gas tank of the car. Or to fly to visit a GF. Or whatever. Do not bail him out.

The problem is, he'd be fine with that. He's asocial and never spends anything or goes anywhere on his own volition. I'm not sure he'll ever meet someone and have kids. His idea of the perfect summer is lounging on the couch playing video games and generally being terminally online. He will walk the dog if I ask, or do other chores, and drive his younger sibling around if she needs it - ie, he's compliant when the request involved isn't too challenging for him - but he never takes any sort of initiative, even for things that he stands to benefit from, such as looking for an internship. He's not money-motivated at all. I guess that on top of executive function issues, there's social anxiety at interviewing and working with people. That's why I'm serious when I say I'm concerned that he's going to be failure to launch if I don't push him into a job/internship.

OP have you been direct and talked to him about his future plans and what a budget might look like for when he’s on his own? Create a mock budget with the basics like rent/ food/ utilities/ insurance/ retirement /taxes. Pull up Zillow and show him how much rentals in different areas cost. Show him different positions on indeed and how much they pay so that he can frame and understand how expensive life is day to day (and why he’ll need to eventually work).

He sounds very capable because he’s worked the past two summers and did well in his specialized program. You likely will need to be more hands on and push him to launch but nothing you’ve stated indicates he won’t eventually be able to live independently.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying this is the ideal outcome, but we have neighbors with a kid that sounds like your kid.

Has a college degree but never pursued any kind of career. Lives at home and holds a series of PT jobs, so he makes some money and keeps busy.

Kid is now in late 30s and parents are probably like late 60s and now look at their kid as eldercare so they can age in the house.

Doesn't seem like he will ever have a relationship and get married.

[Anonymous]

Most kids struggle with the internship search. It isn’t just kids with disabilities. Have him sit with you and write a few emails to people in his field. You can sit with him on zoom if he is away at college. Give him a few concrete tasks.

[Anonymous]

A regular ol' summer job might be what he needs. It would set a schedule, set expectations by a boss, and have him experience something that he isn't necessarily interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to work a summer job and get a W2 paycheck.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP does he use disability services at his college? Office of vocational rehab? Make use of these supports for employment.

[Anonymous]

FWIW this will sound harsh, but the worst case scenario is not that he’d be in your basement. It’s that he’d be homeless. I have an autistic disabled child myself and have had to adjust my thinking on what her future might look like. There are satisfying fulfilling lives that don’t involve the typical path to adult independence. There are also lots of us out here who will not judge you or your family members at all for taking an alternate path to success. Life has twists and turns. So he’s not applying to internships. That’s okay. It sounds like he’s being a reasonably good son and brother and is not involved in anything self destructive (drugs, crime, etc.). Thank goodness that he’s safe and stable. Good job so far. He can take this at his own pace. He doesn’t have to follow the typical path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any tips or commiseration welcome.

I don't know how much autism and ADHD play into this situation, but my AuDHD college junior has never been able to apply independently to most things. I was the one who initiated his college search and managed all the deadlines, otherwise I think he would have missed all of them. For his freshman summer, I was the one who found him a local job, because he couldn't figure it out. He was hired again for sophomore year, thank God. He did a selective study abroad program, and this time was more independent about all the deadlines, because it was his dream program that he'd always wanted to do. But now here we are again, in his junior year, where I think he should have really tried to find an internship in his future field... and nothing. He apparently forgot or couldn't handle looking for anything before the start of the second semester, because he was abroad and doing his finals, and now can't find anything. I don't think he's genuinely looking, however.

I have no connections at all in his field of study, and don't know much about internship opportunities for that. He's extremely asocial, and has no friends to ask, and apparently can't even strike up a conversation with professors to talk about it.

He's so irritatingly passive and driving me up the wall!!!

Sigh.

I have an AuDHD child a few years behind yours and I worry about this constantly. They are great at managing the day to day and deadlines but dealing with one-off stuff they are less experienced with is challenging.

+1000
Ours has a therapist that says: He only knows what he already knows.

So adapting or connecting the dots to do new things just doesn’t get started or happen without scaffolding and direct help or instruction.

Sigh. Same reason my husband w HFA could never parent well; he could not determine a child’s needs at the time or in the moment or anticipate them, and kids needs are always changing as they grow and develop!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any tips or commiseration welcome.

I don't know how much autism and ADHD play into this situation, but my AuDHD college junior has never been able to apply independently to most things. I was the one who initiated his college search and managed all the deadlines, otherwise I think he would have missed all of them. For his freshman summer, I was the one who found him a local job, because he couldn't figure it out. He was hired again for sophomore year, thank God. He did a selective study abroad program, and this time was more independent about all the deadlines, because it was his dream program that he'd always wanted to do. But now here we are again, in his junior year, where I think he should have really tried to find an internship in his future field... and nothing. He apparently forgot or couldn't handle looking for anything before the start of the second semester, because he was abroad and doing his finals, and now can't find anything. I don't think he's genuinely looking, however.

I have no connections at all in his field of study, and don't know much about internship opportunities for that. He's extremely asocial, and has no friends to ask, and apparently can't even strike up a conversation with professors to talk about it.

He's so irritatingly passive and driving me up the wall!!!

Sigh.

So he isn't going to do on his own what he doesn't want to do. Key is to find what he wants to do.

Yes and no.

There is a lot of basic life stuff an audhd will refuse to do, regardless of if they have a hyper interest.

DP

[Anonymous]

OP here.

He doesn't want to talk to anyone, so even though he knows to request his usual testing and residential accommodations at his university, he has never wanted to ask for internship help.

So. I asked ChatGPT for internships in his field! A lot had closed their application windows already, some were shady, but I sent the likely-looking ones to him, and helped him update his resume and draft cover letters, and told him that next time, HE could ask ChatGPT! He has no sense of urgency and can't integrate that we're already super late in the year. The internships that said "rolling admissions" were all actually expired. He did not understand that "position open until filled" for a summer 2026 internship meant it's about to close because we're in March. Indeed, one of those internships was yanked off the website just as we were working on the cover letter. Not sure all these lessons will be retained because long-term planning is very hard for his brain to process.

So now he's applied to two internships and one job. There will come a time when I just won't be able to help him with that stuff. In the abstract, I know kids like him don't live up to their parents' expectations and take alternate paths... but it still makes me highly anxious when I realize how little he does to help himself.

Anyway. I do feel better now he's applied to something. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Name the field of study?? We can be more helpful if you narrow between say Marketing vs Social Service sector. I do think you are going to help him land an internship and then his first job. So maybe start seeing that clearly as opposed to hoping for something else to happen

OP here. Thank you everyone for the replies. He's in International Affairs, in DC. Wouldn't it be like shooting fish in a barrel? That's why I paid for a college in that location...

The study abroad program was a finite, structured event that was prominently described by his college, and so I think he had no trouble understanding the benefits and following application directions. But the nebulousness of not knowing where to look for an internship, when he has no friends and doesn't talk to his professors, is I believe what's tripping him up.

Doesn't his college have a career services office? This is what they are for, he needs to go there and use their resources for finding an internship.

[Anonymous]

My son (age 23) sounds a lot like your son. I helped him with all of his internship applications. He is now a college graduate who is working in a job.

Along the way, I helped my son with all of his applications. He did not have the executive functioning to manage the application process. (Meanwhile, my daughter had a spreadsheet where she was keeping track of all of her applications.)

I am glad that I helped him, as he was able to do a good job at his internship, and is currently working in a full-time job after college. (It took him 4.5 years to graduate from college, in a relatively "easy" major.)

Confidence can come from being able to do a job successfully. If your son can find an area of strength, can he try to get a job that would put his strengths to use?

Can he live at home after college, and you can just require him to work full-time at a job that plays to his strengths? That will help with his confidence.

I would ignore a few of the posters above who are talking about just letting him fail. That would not work here. You can continue to provide the support that he needs to find employment.

Good luck and hugs to you and your son!

[Anonymous]

"I was the one who initiated his college search and managed all the deadlines". Then he shouldn't have gone to college, OP. He wasn't ready. He should have been the one applying, not you.