Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband is being a little “passive/aggressive” imo.
Totally immature.

He needs to get ready when everyone else gets ready and if he has to wait a few minutes…..so what?

Sorry I have no solution for what you can suggest moving forward (no pun.)
Maybe halfway into you getting ready you can tell him to start getting dressed?

[Anonymous]

This is easy. He’s the type of guy who only considers himself. He’s ready, so why isn’t everyone else? Or if everyone else isn’t ready, why should he bother? This type of guy does not see himself as part of the family or one of the adults in the scenario. He’s a lone entity and annoyed if/when he’s inconvenienced. It’s OP’s job to get the kids ready, and also probably to turn out the lights, grab the snacks, lock the door, make sure the dog’s been out, etc.

The timing of things is not the problem. It’s household roles. He doesn’t want to help, but also isn’t content to sit and wait. I’ve lived with this type of man. They’re dead weight and unpleasant as hell to boot.

Hard pass on this type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is easy. He’s the type of guy who only considers himself. He’s ready, so why isn’t everyone else? Or if everyone else isn’t ready, why should he bother? This type of guy does not see himself as part of the family or one of the adults in the scenario. He’s a lone entity and annoyed if/when he’s inconvenienced. It’s OP’s job to get the kids ready, and also probably to turn out the lights, grab the snacks, lock the door, make sure the dog’s been out, etc.

The timing of things is not the problem. It’s household roles. He doesn’t want to help, but also isn’t content to sit and wait. I’ve lived with this type of man. They’re dead weight and unpleasant as hell to boot.

Hard pass on this type.

“This is easy.”

<proceeds to describe how it is, in fact, not easy>

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is easy. He’s the type of guy who only considers himself. He’s ready, so why isn’t everyone else? Or if everyone else isn’t ready, why should he bother? This type of guy does not see himself as part of the family or one of the adults in the scenario. He’s a lone entity and annoyed if/when he’s inconvenienced. It’s OP’s job to get the kids ready, and also probably to turn out the lights, grab the snacks, lock the door, make sure the dog’s been out, etc.

The timing of things is not the problem. It’s household roles. He doesn’t want to help, but also isn’t content to sit and wait. I’ve lived with this type of man. They’re dead weight and unpleasant as hell to boot.

Hard pass on this type.

“This is easy.”

<proceeds to describe how it is, in fact, not easy>

Fair enough. I was answering the "why does he do this" part of the question, which is in fact, not complicated. He does not see any of the hard, annoying, or otherwise mundane aspect of family life as his responsibility.

As to what to do about it, agree, that isn't easy at all. Behaviors like this are rarely an isolated quirk and more likely indicative of the overall relationship dynamic. The short answer is marriage counseling and lots of connecting and discussing. I agree that is the hard part.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. But I’m a wife who after 50 decided I wasn’t going to trust around getting myself ready and haranguing others to get ready.

My husband is ADHD and has been chronically late for 18 years. In truth, he is much less late than he was before marrying me. But I’m just not able to jump out of bed anymore. I try to be in time myself, but sometimes I run late. And it cracks me up to see him panicking about being late for something important to him. He also is time blind and shocked that our ADHD kid isn’t ready as well when he hasn’t told her what time he wants to leave and perhaps checked in a time or two to see if she is making progress. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Why can't he just get himself ready, and then busy himself with whatever (ideally something productive & helpful) until everyone else is ready to go ?? I'm sure there is always something that could be done while he's waiting. To sit there on his ass and sulk while staring at his watch seems like the worst allocation of his time imaginable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

None of your questions are important. Who cares why he would do it? And you've already talked to him about it and it didn't work.

In the future, you say "we are leaving at 12" and if he is not ready, then you and the kids leave at 12 and he can meet you there or not come.

While I can certainly see how someone with dictator-like impulses might think this was a good strategy, it isn't. I mean, sure, it will just further cement the contempt cycle, but the dynamic -- whereby the spouse says this essentially declares, "I'm in charge, fall in line" -- is not sustainable. In other words, whoever suggested this is probably a terrible, dysfunctional wife.

Right, right, because OP's husband hasn't done anything to create and further the contempt cycle... Oh wait, he has! He's being a jerk and he's doing it on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're too bossy.

She’s doing everything. That’s different from being bossy. If he wants kids ready on his terms he needs to help.

Where. Did. OP. Say. They. Have. Young. Kids?

[Anonymous]

OP is the worst. Go team Husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

The issue you have is that you don’t have a specific time to leave. When you wait for everyone to be ready, it doesn’t make anyone feel responsible.
Let everyone know we are leaving at 11am.
Anyone who isn’t ready by then will be considered late and will be held responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he just get himself ready, and then busy himself with whatever (ideally something productive & helpful) until everyone else is ready to go ?? I'm sure there is always something that could be done while he's waiting. To sit there on his ass and sulk while staring at his watch seems like the worst allocation of his time imaginable.

Why can't she just get ready, and then busy herself with whatever (ideally something productive & helpful) until he is ready to go ?? I'm sure there is always something that could be done while she's waiting. To sit there on her ass and sulk while staring at her watch seems like the worst allocation of her time imaginable.

See how that works?

[Anonymous]

I kinda feel like the husbands that are like this are the same guys who are always walking 5 yards in front of their girlfriend/wife.