Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Do they need help? Why isn’t he helping???

+1

[Anonymous]

Instead of using his words and having a conversation with you about the problem and how to resolve it, he’s being passive-aggressive. And it seems he’s putting all the blame on you and the kids.

Try having a conversation to problem solve this with him at a time when neither of you are rushed or stressed and without assigning blame. If he won’t discuss it with you like an adult, it’s time to give marriage counseling a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

Setting aside the point that this sort of petty bean counting will take you down the road to resentment, contempt and ultimately divorce, I'd just ask you how long does it take for him to get ready?

Your typical man needs maybe 3 minutes.

Your typical woman needs more like 30.

Children are a crapshoot depending on the age.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t help with the kids and throws a tantrum that he’s waiting for them instead of them waiting for him?

Is he a child?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I do think that giving an exit time is a good idea. So say you’re leaving at 11:45 and then when it’s time, you leave. He can hang out in his pajamas and throw a tantrum alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

None of your questions are important. Who cares why he would do it? And you've already talked to him about it and it didn't work.

In the future, you say "we are leaving at 12" and if he is not ready, then you and the kids leave at 12 and he can meet you there or not come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

I don't know how many of you there are and if you have daughters and/or sons, but in my house, we all decide what time we are going to leave for something, we don't just say ok get ready and then we'll go because then yes, someone will always be waiting for others. Instead, decide that you're leaving in 15, or 30, or 60 minutes, rather than "when people are ready."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

None of your questions are important. Who cares why he would do it? And you've already talked to him about it and it didn't work.

In the future, you say "we are leaving at 12" and if he is not ready, then you and the kids leave at 12 and he can meet you there or not come.

While I can certainly see how someone with dictator-like impulses might think this was a good strategy, it isn't. I mean, sure, it will just further cement the contempt cycle, but the dynamic -- whereby the spouse says this essentially declares, "I'm in charge, fall in line" -- is not sustainable. In other words, whoever suggested this is probably a terrible, dysfunctional wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he do this and what can I do about it?

Let’s say it’s a Saturday and the whole family is going to go out somewhere. It’s late morning and we say together, “Okay, let’s get dressed and ready to go.”

My DH used to get ready very quickly and then get annoyed because he was done first and had to “sit and wait” while the rest of us finished getting ready.

Lately he’s started doing something different. Instead of getting ready when everyone else does, he’ll stay in his pajamas and just lounge around while the rest of us get ready. Then the minute we’re all dressed and ready to leave, he’ll suddenly go get himself ready. So now *we’re* the ones sitting around waiting for him.

I pointed out that this makes no sense to me. He could just get ready earlier and, if he ends up waiting a few minutes, so what? At least then we could all leave right away when everyone else is done. Instead, he waits until the very end and guarantees that we’ll all be waiting on him.

When I asked him about it, I told him it seems pointless because someone is waiting either way, and his approach just delays us leaving. I admit I also told him that his way of “solving” the waiting problem seems kind of stupid because it just shifts the waiting from him to everyone else.

Why would someone do this? Is this some kind of fairness thing where he doesn’t want to be the one waiting? And more importantly, what’s a better way to talk to him about it so we can stop this cycle?

Because they got very, very tired of it, lol.

[Anonymous]

We set a time to leave by. If someone is done early, fine, we are still leaving at noon. If someone is getting out of the shower at 11:59, that's a problem and I'd ask them to be ready by noon next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a few minutes to himself while he waits around (likeing on his phone) sounds nice! Tell him he can either do that or he can get himself ready and help the kids get ready instead of sitting on his ass. His choice!

Where did OP say their kids need help getting ready?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t help with the kids and throws a tantrum that he’s waiting for them instead of them waiting for him?

Is he a child?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I do think that giving an exit time is a good idea. So say you’re leaving at 11:45 and then when it’s time, you leave. He can hang out in his pajamas and throw a tantrum alone.

I get the feeling the kids are older or OP would have complained about him not helping with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is hilarious that you think he should not mind waiting, but you mind waiting. He took his turn. Now it is your turn.

Exactly. He asked you to be more considerate and you refused. Now you can wait

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is hilarious that you think he should not mind waiting, but you mind waiting. He took his turn. Now it is your turn.

Exactly. He asked you to be more considerate and you refused. Now you can wait

I'm not OP but if we all decide at 11am that we are leaving to get lunch and it takes him 10 minutes to get ready and everyone else 20 minutes to get ready. Why is it ok for him to WAIT 20 minutes AND THEN GET READY meaning it actually takes him 30 minutes now?

This is a petty move by a jerk. Everyone in the family should have the same goal: get ready and leave within a reasonable time frame. Yes some might be done more quickly. But if one person is just sitting there purposely making it take longer (in any camp!) than I'd have a conversation about how that's not cool.

[Anonymous]

OMG. How is this even a problem? Whoever gets ready first has the option to watch TV, scroll phone, or clean the kitchen.

OP, I think something else is really bothering him, which is making him do this petty thing. Figure out what is making him feel like you're doing something offensive, and then either don't do it or explain to him that you're not doing it TO him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is hilarious that you think he should not mind waiting, but you mind waiting. He took his turn. Now it is your turn.

Exactly. He asked you to be more considerate and you refused. Now you can wait

I'm not OP but if we all decide at 11am that we are leaving to get lunch and it takes him 10 minutes to get ready and everyone else 20 minutes to get ready. Why is it ok for him to WAIT 20 minutes AND THEN GET READY meaning it actually takes him 30 minutes now?

This is a petty move by a jerk. Everyone in the family should have the same goal: get ready and leave within a reasonable time frame. Yes some might be done more quickly. But if one person is just sitting there purposely making it take longer (in any camp!) than I'd have a conversation about how that's not cool.

This. He's deliberately being a jerk about this. No one else was making him wait on purpose, they just took longer to get ready. He's making everyone wait on purpose, intentionally, with no benefit to anyone. It's petty and pathetic.