If you could get a do-over, how would you parent differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

This just isn't true. DC/NY/LA/SF have particularly competitive cultures. DC tends to be very status driven with a lot of competition over work and prestige, because those are things people really care about here.

There is competition in affluent parts of smaller cities, but it's not as intense. People who have chosen to go live in St. Louis or Minneapolis, even as doctors or lawyers or people in the C-suite, often could have lived in DC or a city like it but chose not to. The same thing that makes a talented lawyer decide to go become partner at a well-respected but not global midwest firm, instead of a one of the big firms in DC, also makes them less intensely competitive as parents. They have traded a higher career ceiling (and more money/prestige) for a slower pace of life and often more family- and community-focused environment. Whereas people who choose to make their careers in DC often have very high expectations for themselves and others (for instance, people here sometimes look down their noses at highly successful people in "lesser" markets, I've seen it) and this makes for a more competitive environment generally, including in schools and parent communities.

"It's the same everywhere" just doesn't hold water as an argument. It's not. DC really is more competitive and status conscious than other places. You don't even have to view this as a value judgment -- it can be morally neutral. But it *is* different.

DC isn't in the same category of a city as LA or NY. dc is closer to Minneapolis than LA.

You do mention about work and careers a lot and I’ll admit that in mid-tier cities it’s often less about work and more about wealth.

The highest end of DC competitive culture is closer to LA than Minneapolis because of the proximity to power. At the extreme, people in DC work in the White House or at high levels in Congress, or in national media or policy-making. The very, very highest levels in Minneapolis are still regional and not well known elsewhere. People in Minneapolis will care if you're a judge or work for one of the big local industries at a high level, but people elsewhere will not.

I see this most often with regards to kids in school communities where focus/respect/attention shifts according to parent jobs. If your kids have ever been at a school with one or more VIPs, you get this. And it's not about feeling competitive with those parents (zero interest in their jobs), it's about raising kids in an environment where some people matter and others don't, and worrying that they are learning warped ideas about what it means to be successful or fulfilled. Yes these issues exist elsewhere but not to the same degree because the distance between an average middle class person and a very successful, high status person is much narrower in other environments, because the ceiling is so much lower. It changes the culture.

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM for nearly two decades. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets about getting to watch them grow up and not being constantly distracted by work. I could give them my undivided attention. Teachers would tell me along the way how calm my kids are. I worked hard for my family, not for somebody else. A lot of people didn't understand me, still don't, but I am unmoved. Today, being a SAHM is a rebellious act. You're the outlier, the exception, the weirdo in a sea of conformists. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I stayed the course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for nearly two decades. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets about getting to watch them grow up and not being constantly distracted by work. I could give them my undivided attention. Teachers would tell me along the way how calm my kids are. I worked hard for my family, not for somebody else. A lot of people didn't understand me, still don't, but I am unmoved. Today, being a SAHM is a rebellious act. You're the outlier, the exception, the weirdo in a sea of conformists. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I stayed the course.

The thread topic is “How would you parent differently,” if you had a do-over.

[Anonymous]

Be way more relaxed about breastfeeding I had mine during the height of the breastfeeding craze and made myself and my husband miserable.

It doesn't matter.

Be stricter about back chat.

Be more flexible about bedtimes

Things I'm happy with: making sure they grew up near family, introducing them to not just" kid music". Making the rule I had to have one positive for every criticism and correction that was hard for me but I also grew up with parents who were very critical and knew how stressful that can be.

[Anonymous]

It’s a theme, I guess: I wish I hadn’t sweated the small stuff quite so much. I wish I’d been more patient. I wish I’d believed my kids when they told me a teacher at school was mean or that they didn’t like a particular person. I was so strict about bedtime. Less yelling.

[Anonymous]

Totally should have skipped pumping. And it's insane to think back on the hours I wasted researching the "correct" baby gear.

Been more flexible.

Take more time to myself so that martyrdom is not what I modeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for nearly two decades. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets about getting to watch them grow up and not being constantly distracted by work. I could give them my undivided attention. Teachers would tell me along the way how calm my kids are. I worked hard for my family, not for somebody else. A lot of people didn't understand me, still don't, but I am unmoved. Today, being a SAHM is a rebellious act. You're the outlier, the exception, the weirdo in a sea of conformists. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I stayed the course.

“Conformists”? Those of us moms that work are simply choosing to do so instead of actually having to do so
that we can pay for the insane college costs and housing prices.

Look, I was a SAHM when my kid was younger, I know that it isn’t a cake walk when they’re home with you all day. But don’t act like you’re the ultimate martyr making giant sacrifices. The rebellious one who fights the social norms. Come on, we wouldn’t care what you do with your time except your constantly telling us how EXHAUSTED you are, despite having 6 hours a day to yourself 5 days a week to do the things we can only do in the evenings and weekends when we are rushed. My SAHM friends with older kids are somehow the most vocal telling me all the things they have to do, but it’s to justify to themselves, not to me. Do your thing, but stop playing the martyr, please.

[Anonymous]

I'd worry less about the kids going to the best public schools and gunning for top colleges. In retrospect, none of that was necessary. I wasn't as obsessed as some others, but I definitely overdid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

This just isn't true. DC/NY/LA/SF have particularly competitive cultures. DC tends to be very status driven with a lot of competition over work and prestige, because those are things people really care about here.

There is competition in affluent parts of smaller cities, but it's not as intense. People who have chosen to go live in St. Louis or Minneapolis, even as doctors or lawyers or people in the C-suite, often could have lived in DC or a city like it but chose not to. The same thing that makes a talented lawyer decide to go become partner at a well-respected but not global midwest firm, instead of a one of the big firms in DC, also makes them less intensely competitive as parents. They have traded a higher career ceiling (and more money/prestige) for a slower pace of life and often more family- and community-focused environment. Whereas people who choose to make their careers in DC often have very high expectations for themselves and others (for instance, people here sometimes look down their noses at highly successful people in "lesser" markets, I've seen it) and this makes for a more competitive environment generally, including in schools and parent communities.

"It's the same everywhere" just doesn't hold water as an argument. It's not. DC really is more competitive and status conscious than other places. You don't even have to view this as a value judgment -- it can be morally neutral. But it *is* different.

DC isn't in the same category of a city as LA or NY. dc is closer to Minneapolis than LA.

You do mention about work and careers a lot and I’ll admit that in mid-tier cities it’s often less about work and more about wealth.

The highest end of DC competitive culture is closer to LA than Minneapolis because of the proximity to power. At the extreme, people in DC work in the White House or at high levels in Congress, or in national media or policy-making. The very, very highest levels in Minneapolis are still regional and not well known elsewhere. People in Minneapolis will care if you're a judge or work for one of the big local industries at a high level, but people elsewhere will not.

I see this most often with regards to kids in school communities where focus/respect/attention shifts according to parent jobs. If your kids have ever been at a school with one or more VIPs, you get this. And it's not about feeling competitive with those parents (zero interest in their jobs), it's about raising kids in an environment where some people matter and others don't, and worrying that they are learning warped ideas about what it means to be successful or fulfilled. Yes these issues exist elsewhere but not to the same degree because the distance between an average middle class person and a very successful, high status person is much narrower in other environments, because the ceiling is so much lower. It changes the culture.

I agree with some of this.

For DC proper, my friends who stayed in DCPS or DCPCS are more down to earth and low-key than the more competitive families who thought DCPS could never be "good enough" and moved to the VA suburbs. It makes me wonder if somewhere like Fairfax is a more stressful place to go to school for kids than DC. When we get together (which has become more and more rare, unfortunately), their kids may seem somewhat better educated but also kind of beaten down by the grind.

We have other stresses, of course. And obviously top private are a totally different can of worms.

[Anonymous]

Pulled them out of school more in elementary school. My husband’s mother was a teacher, so he never missed school and was against pulling the kids for an extended weekend or visiting somewhere off season. I should have pushed it more because we didn’t travel much as a result (his summers are busy) and now with a high schooler it’s not really possible.

Kept strict screen limits after they got phones in 7th grade.

Set up more play dates in preschool/early elementary. We were new to town and I was hesitant to reach out to people I barely knew.

Been stricter with chores and practicing their chosen sport.

Make them try an instrument in elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Been more patient with my DD with ADHD.

Outsourced even more day to day chores than we did.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I would have set up my life to either not work or work from home. Having a job where I commute to the office makes me a much worse mom and takes away time I could be making our lives run more smoothly.

[Anonymous]

I would have worried less about my youngest's special needs. I made myself absolutely miserable for his toddler and preschool years worrying about the future.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home but I will admit it made my life easier and I enjoyed my kids’ life stages. I do think it makes the empty nest harder, so I don’t know if it is the best way.

I definitely regret allowing my oldest to have social media - tictoc, insta and Snapchat. I didn’t appreciate how these apps in particular cause significant screen addiction. Sibling does not have them and only has an hour of screen time even as a junior in high school.

[Anonymous]

I wish i hadn’t used wasteless energy on worrying about how my SN needs son would fair. Too much worrying about what others thought about what school he was going to, what therapies/activities he was doing. There was a lot of judgement going around that I let myself get sucked into and therefore, I feel, projecting onto my son.

My DS is 19 and goes to a SN school that’s perfect for him. I finally got both through my head that he’s where he needs to be and he’s happy - who cares about what everyone else thinks.