If you could get a do-over, how would you parent differently?

[Anonymous]

I would never have introduced my oldest to travel hockey. I think any sport but hockey would've been less expensive and less of a time suck. I would've worked even less and had more time with my kids. I would've gone on more epic family vacations instead of travel sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never have introduced my oldest to travel hockey. I think any sport but hockey would've been less expensive and less of a time suck. I would've worked even less and had more time with my kids. I would've gone on more epic family vacations instead of travel sports.

I’ve got 2 in travel hockey and love the sport, but it is a huge financial and time commitment. Other team sports can be just as bad though. I do wish we were able to swing more family vacations and not just tacking a day on to a travel sports weekend or flying to see out of state family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait longer before giving them a phone and been stricter about screen time

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never have introduced my oldest to travel hockey. I think any sport but hockey would've been less expensive and less of a time suck. I would've worked even less and had more time with my kids. I would've gone on more epic family vacations instead of travel sports.

Travel sports of any kind are a time suck. And they're really not fair to siblings who you often have to drag along to events with the participant. And for what? The overwhelming majority of participants end up doing nothing with their sport.

Having said that, what do you do when you have a kid who is just really into the sport and really wants to do it, regardless of how good they actually are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish i hadn’t used wasteless energy on worrying about how my SN needs son would fair. Too much worrying about what others thought about what school he was going to, what therapies/activities he was doing. There was a lot of judgement going around that I let myself get sucked into and therefore, I feel, projecting onto my son.

My DS is 19 and goes to a SN school that’s perfect for him. I finally got both through my head that he’s where he needs to be and he’s happy - who cares about what everyone else thinks.

I feel this.

Looking back, some of my worst moments as a parent were the times I was aware of being watched and judged, and I let that influence me.

+1 I worried way too much about what others would think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish i hadn’t used wasteless energy on worrying about how my SN needs son would fair. Too much worrying about what others thought about what school he was going to, what therapies/activities he was doing. There was a lot of judgement going around that I let myself get sucked into and therefore, I feel, projecting onto my son.

My DS is 19 and goes to a SN school that’s perfect for him. I finally got both through my head that he’s where he needs to be and he’s happy - who cares about what everyone else thinks.

I feel this.

Looking back, some of my worst moments as a parent were the times I was aware of being watched and judged, and I let that influence me.

+1 I worried way too much about what others would think.

I’m the PP with the 19 yo. A lot of it, I feel, is not knowing the future and wanting to make the best decisions as possible. When my DS was in elementary school going into middle, it was so isolating. He’s in a program that caters to kids with mild behaviors. That was such a toxic word, back then. I remember parents saying “why would you want to send him to xx school (his current school) the kids have behaviors. His behaviors are mild but he does have behavioral issues. And he’s thriving with the small classes, more support. He (and myself) have made connections and friendships with those that go to his school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish i hadn’t used wasteless energy on worrying about how my SN needs son would fair. Too much worrying about what others thought about what school he was going to, what therapies/activities he was doing. There was a lot of judgement going around that I let myself get sucked into and therefore, I feel, projecting onto my son.

My DS is 19 and goes to a SN school that’s perfect for him. I finally got both through my head that he’s where he needs to be and he’s happy - who cares about what everyone else thinks.

I feel this.

Looking back, some of my worst moments as a parent were the times I was aware of being watched and judged, and I let that influence me.

+1 I worried way too much about what others would think.

I’m the PP with the 19 yo. A lot of it, I feel, is not knowing the future and wanting to make the best decisions as possible. When my DS was in elementary school going into middle, it was so isolating. He’s in a program that caters to kids with mild behaviors. That was such a toxic word, back then. I remember parents saying “why would you want to send him to xx school (his current school) the kids have behaviors. His behaviors are mild but he does have behavioral issues. And he’s thriving with the small classes, more support. He (and myself) have made connections and friendships with those that go to his school.

For me, it was not wanting to step outside social mores, not wanting to bother others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never have introduced my oldest to travel hockey. I think any sport but hockey would've been less expensive and less of a time suck. I would've worked even less and had more time with my kids. I would've gone on more epic family vacations instead of travel sports.

Travel sports of any kind are a time suck. And they're really not fair to siblings who you often have to drag along to events with the participant. And for what? The overwhelming majority of participants end up doing nothing with their sport.

Having said that, what do you do when you have a kid who is just really into the sport and really wants to do it, regardless of how good they actually are?

Shhh! Don't let the sports subforum hear you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

This just isn't true. DC/NY/LA/SF have particularly competitive cultures. DC tends to be very status driven with a lot of competition over work and prestige, because those are things people really care about here.

There is competition in affluent parts of smaller cities, but it's not as intense. People who have chosen to go live in St. Louis or Minneapolis, even as doctors or lawyers or people in the C-suite, often could have lived in DC or a city like it but chose not to. The same thing that makes a talented lawyer decide to go become partner at a well-respected but not global midwest firm, instead of a one of the big firms in DC, also makes them less intensely competitive as parents. They have traded a higher career ceiling (and more money/prestige) for a slower pace of life and often more family- and community-focused environment. Whereas people who choose to make their careers in DC often have very high expectations for themselves and others (for instance, people here sometimes look down their noses at highly successful people in "lesser" markets, I've seen it) and this makes for a more competitive environment generally, including in schools and parent communities.

"It's the same everywhere" just doesn't hold water as an argument. It's not. DC really is more competitive and status conscious than other places. You don't even have to view this as a value judgment -- it can be morally neutral. But it *is* different.

DC isn't in the same category of a city as LA or NY. dc is closer to Minneapolis than LA.

You do mention about work and careers a lot and I’ll admit that in mid-tier cities it’s often less about work and more about wealth.

The highest end of DC competitive culture is closer to LA than Minneapolis because of the proximity to power. At the extreme, people in DC work in the White House or at high levels in Congress, or in national media or policy-making. The very, very highest levels in Minneapolis are still regional and not well known elsewhere. People in Minneapolis will care if you're a judge or work for one of the big local industries at a high level, but people elsewhere will not.

I see this most often with regards to kids in school communities where focus/respect/attention shifts according to parent jobs. If your kids have ever been at a school with one or more VIPs, you get this. And it's not about feeling competitive with those parents (zero interest in their jobs), it's about raising kids in an environment where some people matter and others don't, and worrying that they are learning warped ideas about what it means to be successful or fulfilled. Yes these issues exist elsewhere but not to the same degree because the distance between an average middle class person and a very successful, high status person is much narrower in other environments, because the ceiling is so much lower. It changes the culture.

I grew up in Minneapolis. I went to a regular, suburban public school district K-12. I found the striving there to be suffocating.

People there keep their cards very close to the chest and you sort of figure out that they are pushing their kids behind the scenes but will never admit it to you. There’s a quiet, sneaky competitiveness between people that is difficult to explain, and there’s also a sort of value around hiding effort. It’s not always academic (some families are more laid back about that than here) but it can be about looks, sports, music, manners, money, popularity. Its a form of passive-aggressiveness. As a teen I found it claustrophobic, like there were always people competing with me but I didn’t always overtly see it. The evidence would just eventually show up. Here, I find people are open and direct about their desires and don’t try to make it look like they aren’t trying.

My sibling still lives there and I hear a lot about all the activities their kids do, travel sports at a young age, all the tutoring to get (on grade level but not high enough) test scores up, all the blah blah blah. The DCPS public and community my kids attend is just very down to earth. I don’t see a ton of striving, pushing, a million tutors, etc. I mostly have met many relaxed parents with average-ish kids who they celebrate and support.

All to say, I think people who didn’t grow up in the Midwest romanticize the Midwest as somehow being less competitive. That wasn’t my experience growing up in MN. Although, maybe people don’t know how many Fortune 500 companies are HQ’d in MN…there are plenty of rich, smart, pedigree-focused people there.

To answer the question in the thread…I still have little-ish kids but if I had it to do over again I’d have:
-traveled less with babies. It was too stressful.
-stopped nursing earlier
-started daycare earlier
-tested for allergies earlier and started treating!

[Anonymous]

Minnesota in general and the Twin Cities in particular are so amazingly passive aggressive. Minnesota Nice has two very different meanings. Loved my time there, certainly there are things I missed, but the directness of the Northeast is appreciated at times.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had said "no" to DH when he asked me to be the trailing spouse at 20 weeks pregnant. That move wrecked my mental health for years, and I regret I was not fully present for my child for the first two years as a result.

I regret not going private from the get-go. Kindergarteners are on iPads for music class, for crying out loud, in our public. I kept trying to make it work, support public schools, all that. My kid, and us, are vastly happier at a fairly low-tech private. Wish we had just applied there for kinder instead of waiting until 3rd grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never have introduced my oldest to travel hockey. I think any sport but hockey would've been less expensive and less of a time suck. I would've worked even less and had more time with my kids. I would've gone on more epic family vacations instead of travel sports.

Travel sports of any kind are a time suck. And they're really not fair to siblings who you often have to drag along to events with the participant. And for what? The overwhelming majority of participants end up doing nothing with their sport.

Having said that, what do you do when you have a kid who is just really into the sport and really wants to do it, regardless of how good they actually are?

I'm the original poster on this issue, and that's why I said I would never have introduced hockey. We wouldn't have taken them to any NHL games. It was my own fault - I let them try a learn to skate class, then they saw hockey, and I was like, sure, why not? Now I know. Travel hockey is extra bad because most of the travel requires flights and missed school, the gear smells absolutely awful, Americans can't keep up anymore and so playing in college is totally unrealistic, the ice time is at terrible hours and you have to account for getting to the rink 30 minutes early to warm up and gear up and leaving 15 minutes after practice for them to have time to get all their gear off and joke around in the locker room. It just wasn't worth it. They would've been just as happy playing lacrosse or basketball if we had never set foot in a learn-to-skate class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a SAHM for nearly two decades. Youngest is a high school senior. I have no regrets about getting to watch them grow up and not being constantly distracted by work. I could give them my undivided attention. Teachers would tell me along the way how calm my kids are. I worked hard for my family, not for somebody else. A lot of people didn't understand me, still don't, but I am unmoved. Today, being a SAHM is a rebellious act. You're the outlier, the exception, the weirdo in a sea of conformists. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I stayed the course.

You failed the assignment.

[Anonymous]

I would have been less anxious about parenting overall. Doesn’t matter if your 5th grader gets a B on a test. Doesn’t matter if your 8-year-old plays less than the other kids on their rec basketball team. Doesn’t matter if you skip a few days of 6th grade to go on vacation. I was hyper vigilant and wish I’d relaxed a lot more.
I also wish we had been more restrictive about screen time but Covid didn’t help with that.

[Anonymous]

Would have had spouse only speak a non-English language with the kids from the start. For kids raised here, English will take care of itself. I don't speak or understand that other language, so there is plenty of English for the kids to hear and learn from.