If you could get a do-over, how would you parent differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret doing the “cry it out” method and wish I let my oldest sleep in our bed as a baby.

I have no regrets for using the cry it out method—both my kids are smart, well adjusted, good sleepers, and love us deeply.

I am asking just out of curiosity and not judgment—What do you think happened? What is the regret for?

[Anonymous]

I would get help for my anxiety before having kids. I’m finally doing it now with teens but it would have been so much better to do it first. For me and them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret doing the “cry it out” method and wish I let my oldest sleep in our bed as a baby.

Not me. That child is my best sleeper, by far!

[Anonymous]

no social media

[Anonymous]

No regrets as I already did less and it worked out great with the kids I have.
Having a lousy partner is a regret, but I had no idea they were masking.

[Anonymous]

I would have sought treatment for my anxiety much earlier.

[Anonymous]

More dinners at the table
More random stops at the park
More random fun surprises
More patience from me

[Anonymous]

I was struggling emotionally/mentally when my kids were early elementary aged. I know I was doing the best I could at the time, but I do feel like I’ve failed them in some ways.

I wish I would have prioritized reading, once they were independent readers

I wish I had set better routines around dinners/evening time

I wish we had done more outside together: walks, bike rides, etc. I wish I had taken them to more fun parks, etc.

I wish I hadn’t snapped at them and had found better ways of coping with the end-of-day stress

[Anonymous]

I wish I had pulled them from public earlier in the pandemic. We went private eventually but it should have been sooner. (We are back public now and glad to be, but zoom kindergarten was ridiculous.)

I also kinda wish we had moved away from the DMV before my oldest started kindergarten to someplace with saner parents. But our jobs were here, and we have found a lovely community we would have missed out on.

[Anonymous]

Sent them to a better high school.

That's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

I live in an 'ordinary' place. It is definitely not 'worse' when it comes to competition and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

This just isn't true. DC/NY/LA/SF have particularly competitive cultures. DC tends to be very status driven with a lot of competition over work and prestige, because those are things people really care about here.

There is competition in affluent parts of smaller cities, but it's not as intense. People who have chosen to go live in St. Louis or Minneapolis, even as doctors or lawyers or people in the C-suite, often could have lived in DC or a city like it but chose not to. The same thing that makes a talented lawyer decide to go become partner at a well-respected but not global midwest firm, instead of a one of the big firms in DC, also makes them less intensely competitive as parents. They have traded a higher career ceiling (and more money/prestige) for a slower pace of life and often more family- and community-focused environment. Whereas people who choose to make their careers in DC often have very high expectations for themselves and others (for instance, people here sometimes look down their noses at highly successful people in "lesser" markets, I've seen it) and this makes for a more competitive environment generally, including in schools and parent communities.

"It's the same everywhere" just doesn't hold water as an argument. It's not. DC really is more competitive and status conscious than other places. You don't even have to view this as a value judgment -- it can be morally neutral. But it *is* different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have pushed my DH to move before our oldest started elementary school, when I knew we were going to need to, rather than letting him convince me to punt on it. Now we are stuck in the hard position of staying where we are despite some major drawbacks (schools, house), or uproot our kids. I haaaaaate it and I should have stuck to my guns a few years ago.

+1 on moving when kids were young to a place that’s less striver and wealth driven. It’s caused a tremendous amount of anxiety over the years and I’m envious of friends raising kids in more sane places.

Pretty much every place in the US with some level of affluence and good schools is competitive. I’d argue a lot of ordinary places are even worse.

This just isn't true. DC/NY/LA/SF have particularly competitive cultures. DC tends to be very status driven with a lot of competition over work and prestige, because those are things people really care about here.

There is competition in affluent parts of smaller cities, but it's not as intense. People who have chosen to go live in St. Louis or Minneapolis, even as doctors or lawyers or people in the C-suite, often could have lived in DC or a city like it but chose not to. The same thing that makes a talented lawyer decide to go become partner at a well-respected but not global midwest firm, instead of a one of the big firms in DC, also makes them less intensely competitive as parents. They have traded a higher career ceiling (and more money/prestige) for a slower pace of life and often more family- and community-focused environment. Whereas people who choose to make their careers in DC often have very high expectations for themselves and others (for instance, people here sometimes look down their noses at highly successful people in "lesser" markets, I've seen it) and this makes for a more competitive environment generally, including in schools and parent communities.

"It's the same everywhere" just doesn't hold water as an argument. It's not. DC really is more competitive and status conscious than other places. You don't even have to view this as a value judgment -- it can be morally neutral. But it *is* different.

DC isn't in the same category of a city as LA or NY. dc is closer to Minneapolis than LA.

You do mention about work and careers a lot and I’ll admit that in mid-tier cities it’s often less about work and more about wealth.