Stay near to ex who sees the kids often or move on

[Anonymous]

OP have you talked to your ex at all? Would you be open to relocating with him if he suggested it? If no, are you moving to get away from him?

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with the people who say you sound exceedingly selfish to consider this.

The children have a loving father who is involved with them. You're trying to make that very difficult for him and them. It's not fair to the kids.

There are plenty of ways to reinvent yourself without disrupting your kid's lives more than you and your ex already have.

Try volunteering with a new organization, take a class in something that interests you...there are plenty of ways to expand your social circle without moving somewhere new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:40 No judgment. However you yourself said it came at a price. (I forget your precise wording.) So, I am responding to that. I also know several families with one faraway parent and the kids hate the inconvenience of that. So, I am responding to that, too. If it worked for you, your siblings and your parents, great. That's what counts.

Actually, I didn't say anything about it coming at a price. Maybe if the OP was talking about moving to another country, I might have a different take on things. But this is 2 hrs away. Not a big deal.

Very big deal. Here's how my weekend, with two young teens just went: DS1 had dinner with friends Friday, a school event Saturday day, a school dance Saturday night, a soccer game Sunday. DS2 had movie night with me Friday, a school event Saturday day, Sunday School on Sunday. This is a very typical weekend. I can't see how it would be fair to them to say, "you can either participate fully in school/in your activities/in your friendships OR you can spend time with your father". And the schedule is so frenetic that it really would be an either/or; without a home base nearby, they couldn't get to everything and still get homework done and downtime.

A little bit tangential, but I don't remember my childhood being this way until I got to High school and even then there were busy times (the 'season' for the sport that you played) and slower times. Now it seems that kids weekends are taken up with activities beginning day 1 in school. I do wonder if we are all aware of what a shift this is from when we (or at least those of us in our 40s) were younger. Not that its a horrible thing, but like things, we should at least be aware of the alternative and opportunity cost of this kind of lifestyle. I remember on Sundays we would ALWAYS have a big bfast (my dad would cook!) and then head to church and then we would do something together like go to festival, or a show or a museum or go to my Grandma's house for a big dinner (at 2 pm!) Sundays were always family days when I was growing up. There didn't seem to be any sports or school events on those days.

[Anonymous]

I think there's been a shift but also every family is different. My brother was an athlete, school teams, fall and spring, and therefore if my parents were divorce an every other weekend two hours away would have been untenable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:43 Are you a parent? Yes big deal for me, too. And more importantly, it would be a HUGER deal for my child.

14:15 Well, the compromise was in the marriage.

Yes, I am a parent and my ex never wants to see our child. He actually does live 2 hrs away and doesn't see our DD much at all. Different strokes for different strokes. I am not scarred from my parents living 2 hrs away most of my childhood and neither will the OPs kids. A child's reality is what it is. I always thought it was weird that any of my friends had 2 parents who were happily married. Parents can be great parents whether they are living 10 mins away or 2 hrs away. I used to babysit for a family where the married parents lived on 2 different coasts. Their kids were the best adjusted children I knew. And I would never overload a weekend with all of those activities esp if they are younger than teenagers.

[Anonymous]

19:26 Then you have no idea what it's like to be in OP's situation, it's night and day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:26 Then you have no idea what it's like to be in OP's situation, it's night and day.

I agree. It sounds like OP has an actively involved literal co-parent. The loss of contact with their father for no real reason would be a big loss for the kids. Losing the ability to be fully engaged in kid life would be another loss. This isn't necessitated by anything more than wanderlust on OP's part.

[Anonymous]

Why does everyone assume that there will be a loss for either parent or kids if the OP moves? I am sure by her description that they are both involved and will make anything work out.

[Anonymous]

6:43 The reality is thus: It would be less time with one parent, more for the other, the move would disrupt the children's lives (moves always do, in marriage or out), the children would know they were seeing the other parent less, which would feel like a loss, the other parent, once close by, is suddenly hours away, the back and forth would likely inconvenience the children.

If it has to happen, fine, but if there's a choice, why impose this on the children and one parent? If both parents want it, fine, provided they look long and hard at the realities of making that choice and what it will mean for the children.

I'm a PP. I'm in the same boat at OP. I decided years ago to make staying in DC close to my child's father work. I resent it sometimes but when I become a mother I knew that I'd be putting my child first and I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6:43 The reality is thus: It would be less time with one parent, more for the other, the move would disrupt the children's lives (moves always do, in marriage or out), the children would know they were seeing the other parent less, which would feel like a loss, the other parent, once close by, is suddenly hours away, the back and forth would likely inconvenience the children.

If it has to happen, fine, but if there's a choice, why impose this on the children and one parent? If both parents want it, fine, provided they look long and hard at the realities of making that choice and what it will mean for the children.

I'm a PP. I'm in the same boat at OP. I decided years ago to make staying in DC close to my child's father work. I resent it sometimes but when I become a mother I knew that I'd be putting my child first and I did.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

OP: DC is a pain to live in, but htere are so many nice communities near here. Don't know if you just need a different living situation or a new job. If you need a new job, I would start by looking at jobs within a one-hour rush hour driving radius of your ex. It would not be good to have him out of the picture.

Alternatively, when I first read your post, I thought of Baltimore. I have also commuted to Columbia, MD. Nice community there and not so far with the express buses. New house in a different neighborhood is easy - new job might be more difficult. Regardless, you may want to talk to a counselor to figure out what you really want for this next stage.

[Anonymous]

OP:
I think it's rude to seek input and then disappear. Yes some of the posters were harsh, but that is the response you'd get from your community -- even if no one told you to your face. I know a community who turned its back on a mother who moved away with her children from her children's father. Also, the biggest question is what does their father think? You can easily spend tens of thousands of dollars to get the court's permission to move.
I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone, including your children. I'm a PP who also pines for a fresh start, but I am giving DC my all until my child goes to college.

[Anonymous]

"I think it's rude to seek input and then disappear."

On the Net? LOL!

[Anonymous]

Not everyone has tons of time to spent it on DCUM. She's a single parent for goodness sake!