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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Stay near to ex who sees the kids often or move on
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Anonymous
| I might have some sympathy for a single mom living in Biddlebop, Kentucky. But this is Washington, DC. It's a large enough city to find a separate happy life. My feeling is the OP is mistaking her location as the constraint to her happiness, as if there is another wonderful life out there for her and her kids farther away. One makes their life happy. It's not a place, it's an action. |
Anonymous
| I thought of Baltimore myself but it's got some super dicey sections and with me there and dad her it would still make makes for crazy every other weekend complications. My child plays soccer (has since age five) and we just have to live in the same city. DC is not everyone's cup of tea, either, so wanting to leave it is understandable, even if it isn't Podunk, USA. For instance, family? My family is six hours away. Sigh. |
Anonymous
My feeling is that if being near family is very important to your happiness, you should never move so far away to begin with. This is not directed at you, but in general: people all of a sudden realize after divorce they're living in cities they hate, in situations they hate, and I wonder why on earth these decisions were made to begin with. I understand you do things for your marriage, but I wouldn't do something that I would regret (terribly) if the marriage ended. For me, I DID move far away, but obviously it was not a factor in my happiness then (and it's not now). As for a city not being someone's cup of tea, sure. But the alternative (kids growing up without having the possibility of a parent to interact regularly with them) seems to outweigh the desire for a new geography. |
Anonymous
| 17:24 Really? I moved away for college. I was never going to stay in DC. Then I met someone. I gave up a job off in LA because the relationship got serious. What you write is lovely in practice, but not in theory, since people make all sorts of compromises in marriage when there is incentive to compromise. If people stopped making compromises about location for marriage, the divorce rate would go up! |
Anonymous
| OP, I really think you need to think seriously about the impact on your kids of so much time in the car, having life in 2 places and really disrupting their relationships with their dad. It would be better for them if you could work out a way to be happy here, where you have made lives for them. |
Anonymous
No, sweetheart. Your family is your kids, and they are here. |
Anonymous
| 21:52 That's ridiculous and you know it. Parents and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins are also family. |
Anonymous
| If you move away, you should do all the transportation. How would you feel if you got less time with the kids - that's really not fair to him to reduce his time because you want a fresh start. You need to find a way to give him equal time if you are choosing to move away (and do all transportation as you are choosing to leave). Or, maybe they should stay with him so you can have your fresh start and you can have them every other weekend since you think that is adequate time for the other parent. |
Anonymous
Yes. I did. What is the big deal? Occasionally my parents would rearrange a weekend here or there to accommodate a party, etc. This is what all of my friends did with parents who were divorced. |
Anonymous
| 12:40 No judgment. However you yourself said it came at a price. (I forget your precise wording.) So, I am responding to that. I also know several families with one faraway parent and the kids hate the inconvenience of that. So, I am responding to that, too. If it worked for you, your siblings and your parents, great. That's what counts. |
Anonymous
I get that. But there are kids involved who have a home with mom and dad accessible. Now mom wants to yank away the "compromise" location she made because she feels there's something great out there for her. I wonder what kind of guy she is hoping to meet in this new faraway land. Would have to be the kind who wouldn't mind his kids being taken away from him whenever his kids' mom started daydreaming about greener grasses. |
Anonymous
Actually, I didn't say anything about it coming at a price. Maybe if the OP was talking about moving to another country, I might have a different take on things. But this is 2 hrs away. Not a big deal. |
Anonymous
Very big deal. Here's how my weekend, with two young teens just went: DS1 had dinner with friends Friday, a school event Saturday day, a school dance Saturday night, a soccer game Sunday. DS2 had movie night with me Friday, a school event Saturday day, Sunday School on Sunday. This is a very typical weekend. I can't see how it would be fair to them to say, "you can either participate fully in school/in your activities/in your friendships OR you can spend time with your father". And the schedule is so frenetic that it really would be an either/or; without a home base nearby, they couldn't get to everything and still get homework done and downtime. |
Anonymous
Two hours away really can be a big deal, though. First, I'd hate to be the parent who doesn't get to see his/her kid most days. That would suck beyond belief. My husband is in that position, and it still (after many years) breaks his heart (he didn't choose divorce). I'm one who suggested to OP if she thinks this is OK, perhaps she should be the the every other weekend parent. Second, I'm now married to a man who does the 2 hour commute on weekends to see his kids. It was just fine for many years. We did it together so our daughter could get to know her older sisters. Now that ours is 7, however, and she's involved in some weekend activities, we can't do very much together as a family. It's a lot of commuting, and is pretty horrible when the weather's bad. Last winter was horrible and we went almost 6 weeks without seeing them. I'm glad it worked out for your family. We're making it work as well as we can for ours. But it's not easy, and it's very often sad. |
Anonymous
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18:43 Are you a parent? Yes big deal for me, too. And more importantly, it would be a HUGER deal for my child.
14:15 Well, the compromise was in the marriage. |