Stay near to ex who sees the kids often or move on

[Anonymous]

I guess I am the only one who doesn't think this is such a life changing decision. As long as you don't move so far away that they don't get to spend quality time w/ their dad, go for it. My parents always lived at least 2 hrs from each other after the divorce and it wasn't a problem. Every other weekend is still every other weekend. They usually met in the middle to exchange us.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps OP might think about leaving the kids with their dad and be the every other weekend parent herself.

[Anonymous]

Good idea, 22:59!

[Anonymous]

22:26 You spent every other weekend two hours from your classmates? Through high school? What about your social life, birthday parties etc.?

[Anonymous]

P.S. OP my ex live a few blocks away and the hardest stretch for us was Grade 3 - 6 when homework hit big time. What if they leave a notebook at your place and something is due on Monday?

Tons of people are stuck places because of a spouse. We're stuck in a place because of our children.

Would he move in tandem?

[Anonymous]

Holy crap are you selfish.

[Anonymous]

a couple years after my parents split up, my mom moved us an hour away from our dad. i was starting high school, my brother middle school and my sister grade school. my mom was starting medical school in the place where we lived. it was hard, really. the PPs who mention separation from friends and social life have valid points. our arrangement was that we went to his house every other weekend and wednesday nights. the wednesday night thing (in retrospect) made NO sense at all and i suspect that what motivated it was dad wanting to stay involved in our weekday lives with little regard for how his "staying involved" impacted the normal progression of our weekday lives. eventually, he moved to the same town that we lived in (which was a bigger college town than the tiny college town we'd been in previously), and that made things a lot easier.

i have mixed feelings on the subject of who matters most in a divorce. speaking as the oldest child, i definitely had to deal with a lot of the fallout and i wish my parents had been better about shielding us from some of their issues. the weeknight custody arrangement was particularly difficult and i do not think it had the best interests of the children at its heart. but i also feel, as someone who has been in unhappy relationships, that it is extremely harsh to suggest that the OP suck it up, remain unhappy and do what's easiest on her kids. having my mom be happy rather than miserable was definitely important, even with the added hassles that occurred.

OP, if you have a decent relationship with your ex, maybe you should just talk to him about it. there are places in the area you could move that would be different but not prohibitively far away.

[Anonymous]

12:53 I disagree that it is extremely harsh that some of us, myself included, have suggested OP figure out something that keeps her in DC close to her children's father. I've also asked if they might move in tandem. I am stuck here in DC because of joint custody, and I hate it, but I have no choice but to make the best of it. My child's father would never give me permission to move. This is very common, relocation cases are really tough. It's odd to me that you call that harsh when you yourself suffered a great deal because of the logistics of your custody arrangement. Also, your mother was going to medical school. That is a lofty goal. OP wants a new life. It's not as concrete as medical school. So PLEASE do not call posters who think OP should spare her children what you yourself went through harsh. You can find ways to make the best of what you've got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:53 I disagree that it is extremely harsh that some of us, myself included, have suggested OP figure out something that keeps her in DC close to her children's father. I've also asked if they might move in tandem. I am stuck here in DC because of joint custody, and I hate it, but I have no choice but to make the best of it. My child's father would never give me permission to move. This is very common, relocation cases are really tough. It's odd to me that you call that harsh when you yourself suffered a great deal because of the logistics of your custody arrangement. Also, your mother was going to medical school. That is a lofty goal. OP wants a new life. It's not as concrete as medical school. So PLEASE do not call posters who think OP should spare her children what you yourself went through harsh. You can find ways to make the best of what you've got.

maybe harsh was too harsh a word - my point was that the OP has a stake in her situation as well, and that we should not discount her happiness in the overall situation. if she has a decent relationship with her ex, it might be something worth discussing, but if she has always hated it here and wants to move, i think that's something worth discussing. otherwise what you're saying basically is "your needs don't matter, just your ex-husband's and your kids'" which i don't think is fair at all.

furthermore, i would not say that i "suffered a great deal" from the logistics of their custody arrangement. was it the best plan in the world? no. but i wouldn't say that i "suffered" as a result. like you said, you find ways to make the best of what you've got. i'm sorry you're not happy with your situation and hope things improve for you soon.

[Anonymous]

I think its selfish. My DH and I would like to move too, but we don't plan on moving DD from her mom (though we have physical custody) b/c we think its wrong. So we'll move in 6 years.

In the meantime we live here b/c those are the choices you have to make as an adult.

The way you describe your move sounds just b/c you feel like it - if your kids and their father is here, those are the choices you made, and in my opinion from the limited information presented, should live with.

[Anonymous]

15:47 It sounds like you suffered. Read your post. Maybe you never gave yourself permission to be ticked at your parents? I'm the oldest. We tend to do that! As for OP, she is the grownup and it really does sound like the best thing for her children would be for her to figure out how to start over here in DC. She'd be ripping them away from their school and their friends ... and their father. It's hard to be a grownup!

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering, OP, if your obvious immaturity and selfishness played any role in your divorce?

Not that you would recognize it, of course, but anyone who would even think of taking their kids away from a loving dad in order to ... let me see, how did you put it... "reinvent" herself needs the influence of a stable ex spouse almost as much as the kids do.

[Anonymous]

21:32 Are you in this situation? I am, and I think you are being insensitive. It is no picnic. I've posted in this thread, and hope OP can find a way to reinvent herself wherever she and her children's father live, DC, or moving in tandem.

OP, I went through grief about being stuck in DC. Maybe therapy would help?

[Anonymous]

OP, would you consider allowing your kids to stay here with your ex, not disrupt their day to day lives, and have them 2 weekends a month yourself? They don't want/need to reinvent themselves. Maybe a break from day to day parenting would meet your needs while allowing them to stay at their school, etc.

[Anonymous]

I've occasionally had the same "leave DC" fantasy but I know my ex would fight for our daughter. And he's a good dad, so I wouldn't risk losing her, and i wouldn't want to take her away from him. He doesn't deserve that. I think the only reason he'd ever agree for me to move farther than Baltimore would be if he accepted a job in another state or was going to be deployed overseas the majority of the time. Then he might agree. We'd have to take "access to the grandparents" into account, too.

Have you considered Baltimore? Cheaper than DC, a little lower-pressure, but still close enough for easy access to Columbia Heights. Bad schools, though, in the parts where *I'd* want to live as a single mom. (i.e. the fun, walkable, downtown parts.)