Stay near to ex who sees the kids often or move on

[Anonymous]

I am a SM, divorced 2 years ago. DS is in K, DD in 1st. They are with ex-DH 2 weeknights and one weekend day/night. I have been feeling a strong urge for a fresh start. I am tired of DC, never wanted to live her but moved for DH's job. I want to go someplace less busy and less expensive and reinvent my life. Our custody arrangement only references notice in terms of relocation. I was hoping to stay close enough to allow visitation say every other weekend. Anyone else grappled with this? I love my kids and value their relationship with their dad but it feels really in conflict with where I am in my own life right now. I am in my 40s and it feels like now or never. Anyone with any advice? If you did make the leap how did your kids adjust? How did you make the logistics work? I'm hoping to both drive and meet halfway. Ex-DH lives in Columbia Heights and metros or bikes eveywhere, hopefully he'd be open to buying or renting a car.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to stay local and make a happy life for yourself? Two weekends a month doesn't seem like much when they currently spend 50% of time with their dad.

Have you tried therapy? It seems like midlife issues or issues from the divorce may be driving your need to move?

[Anonymous]

I think what you are proposing sounds selfish.

[Anonymous]

Would you even be able to reduce the visitation to every other weekend?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Have you discussed this with a lawyer? Do you have joint physical and joint legal or are you primary? What's the notification requirement?

The thing is even if he agrees and you move even an hour away they either pay a price in terms of social life and weekend activities like soccer or ballet (if theyre coming to dad's every other weekend or half a weekend) or they will not have as close a relationship with their father. Plus when the homework hits, a faraway parent will be complicated. Every other weekend an hour away is going to mess up their lives, birthday parties, etc.

I'd love to move, too, but am staying here for DC.

[Anonymous]

16:06 here. Would he agree to this? That's the most important element here!

[Anonymous]

I know you're in a tough place, OP, but if I were your ex I would fight your attempt to move. How do you think he would respond?

[Anonymous]

I feel you. I'm in a 50/50 custody split with an ex who's in the same neighborhood. I feel stuck sometimes. But it's really not forever.

...right?

In ten years, I may move out of the DC metro area.

[Anonymous]

Your kids come first. Having them spend less time with their dad would be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Do the kids get a vote OP? It's their childhood that you are consigning to spending huge amounts of time in the car. You are also risking a very perfunctory relationship with their father. Proximity is huge in all relationships. How can he possibly have a presence at their schools? If they end up resenting you greatly will it have been worth it? It doesn't sound like you are moving TO anything but rather AWAY and in my experience what you are running from follows you.

[Anonymous]

I would love to live somewhere else but wouldn't even consider it. That's being a grown up. You don't have kids and then decide when the relationship is a pain for you that the kids don't need their parent.

How about giving the kids to your ex and moving where you want? Was that ever considered? Probably not.

Sorry, I have very little patience for divorced parents who think they have the right to take a kid away from a loving available parent.

[Anonymous]

Not a good idea, OP. Sorry. I understand your feelings, but doing that to your children and ex-H would be pretty indefensible.

It's not "now or never" as you suggest. Time will fly. Commit to making a good life for yourself here for the time being.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to consider the kids first. Going through a divorce isn't easy - now you want to put them through this too? Sorry, but your happiness shouldn't come at the expense of your kids and your ex.

[Anonymous]

19:42 It is NOT a good idea to ask children this young to choose! They are too young to be put in that position.

OP I have given up so much by staying here, including time with my elderly parents and better career options in another city.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you thought about talking to a child psychologist about what the implications of the move might be for the kids? Even divorce gets processed differently and again at different stages I've found, such a move, the loss of their life as they know it and the loss of their dad as a frequent presence will impact their development. You should be informed before making such a choice. You sound very emotional and driven by your own needs, you need to factor in the needs of the kids as well. They are so lucky to have 2 involved parents, I think you don't realize the impact that life on the road so to speak will have on them.