Is 48 too old for foster to adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Even if parents die unexpectedly, it is hugely unlikely that the child will be up for adoption. A relative would adopt them first (aunt, uncle, grandparent if young enough) or someone very close to the family (godparents, etc.)

[Anonymous]

This:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own. Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning. Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you. A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure. (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples). A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right). I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family). I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.