Is 48 too old for foster to adopt?

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and we have 2 kids (10 and 12). I really thought we were done but I'm really interested in expanding our family. I'd love to give a home to a kid who needs one, and ideally one between 3 and 9 where they can still really 'grow up' in the family. Am I too old to think about this?

[Anonymous]

What would your kids think? Are they securely bonded?

I think your kids are at an age where they might not like a new kid shaking things up who isn't starting as an infant.

[Anonymous]

No, but be prepared for lots of issues and needing to foster before adopting.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine as long as your husband is your age or younger and you don’t go below age 3 - basically the equivalent of not birthing a child after 45.

[Anonymous]

I love this idea.

[Anonymous]

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

[Anonymous]

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own. Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning. Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you. A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure. (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples). A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right). I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family). I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own. Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning. Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you. A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure. (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples). A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right). I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family). I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.

This is very good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

It’s not rare. It’s just a long process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own. Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning. Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you. A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure. (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples). A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right). I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family). I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.

NP here. I am my parents only bio kid, and I am what the adoption space calls an adoptive sibling. My parents adopted when I was 7 and 12. Both of my siblings were young but not newborns when my parents adopted them. Both of my siblings were categorized as "healthy" when they were adopted, but over the years it quickly became clear that they each had severe problems (not their fault obviously, and this is actually very common) and they took ALL of my parents time, energy and resources and still do (even though all of us are in our 40s).

You need to be very educated on what adoption of any child does to not only the adopted child but also the adoptive siblings (the kids already there). Are you prepared for that? Are you being honest and fair to all the potential people involved?

This is an excellent discussion of a study on this topic.
https://adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-147/

[Anonymous]

This is an excellent discussion of a study on this topic.
https://adoptioncouncil.org/publications/adoption-advocate-no-147/

I just scanned this and it is a really good article. Potential adoptive or foster parents who already have biokids at home definitely should read it in order to be aware of the potential impact on their existing children. We did not have biokids at the time of our older child adoptions but if we had I would have been wracked with guilt regarding the effect on their childhood given the significant challenges we faced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are not too old.
However, foster to adopt is rare. The goal is reunification. If you are interesting in helping a child needing a family it would be great of you to foster.

This poster is correct---the goal is reunification. It isn't clear whether you are really interested in helping foster a child or are just looking for a shortcut to having a third child closer in age to your own. Also, and I speak as someone who adopted an older child, you are being VERY naive if you think that a child you adopt from foster care (assuming you could even do that) is going to "grow up in the family" with your bio kids in the way you are perhaps envisioning. Your bio kids have over a decade in your family structure, tradition, expectations and patterning, as well as a genetic link to you. A foster child will come to you with the patterns they have already experienced, which may be tremendously at odds with your own family structure. (e.g. kids in crisis situations learn very early that lying is often much safer than honesty, they may have witnessed and experienced domestic violence and think that is normal), just to give examples). A foster child will also come with lots of needs and appointments that will take up a lot of time (if you are doing it right). I would urge you to very carefully consider the impact that might have on your bio kids as they are entering into ages which need a lot of parental oversight (yes, middle and HS are more independent but you need to be there for them in terms of listening and attention precisely because of the growing influence of peers and culture outside the family). I want you to think about how your bio kids would feel watching a dysregulated child hurl curses (or objects) at their parents because those kinds of behaviors are not unusual with children who may have prenatal exposures and almost certainly will have experienced trauma.

If you really want to foster (as opposed to trying to get a third child via shortcut), then I would suggest waiting until your bio kids are in college and out of the house and you can really work on helping a child in foster care heal from trauma.

This is very good advice.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 48 and we have 2 kids (10 and 12). I really thought we were done but I'm really interested in expanding our family. I'd love to give a home to a kid who needs one, and ideally one between 3 and 9 where they can still really 'grow up' in the family. Am I too old to think about this?

You’re not going to automatically find the perfect child to complete your family. Are you prepared for high special needs, emotional issues and lots and lots of appointments? The kids who remain in the foster system tend to have those.

[Anonymous]

It’s not fair to your existing children unless you have endless resources of money and time. Don’t be selfish. Focus on them first.

[Anonymous]

You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.