Is 48 too old for foster to adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

Not typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also found, as a parent of an older child via adoption, that professionals are far too quick to diagnose kids with having attachment disorder or conduct disorder when the real problem is prenatal alcohol exposure and all the issues that raises. I have heard FASD experts opine that over 50% of kids in foster care, as well as a significant amount of the prison population, is FASD impacted. FASD can present as impulsivity, failure to understand cause and effect, significant emotional dysregulation, ASD type communication and social impairments and overall dysmaturity. Once we started treating it like the medical condition that it is, we gradually saw some improvement but our DC will struggle with some of these reasoning issues for life. So not only will you often encounter FASD as part of the foster care world, but the medical and therapy establishment constantly misdiagnoses it as attachment issues instead of a medical problem. This is not something you should visit upon your middle school age kids in the home.

These diagnoses are highly subjective, except when there is a family history.

Who cares? The point is the kids were nightmares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

Not typical.

No shit. But "Not typical" and "no such thing" are vastly different. There are plenty of exceptions to prove the rule, and those exceptions are not randomly distributed. They match certain knowable criteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

Not typical.

No shit. But "Not typical" and "no such thing" are vastly different. There are plenty of exceptions to prove the rule, and those exceptions are not randomly distributed. They match certain knowable criteria.

You don’t need to make this thread all about your own personal data points. Start your own thread re all your adoption stories and stop hijacking this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have also found, as a parent of an older child via adoption, that professionals are far too quick to diagnose kids with having attachment disorder or conduct disorder when the real problem is prenatal alcohol exposure and all the issues that raises. I have heard FASD experts opine that over 50% of kids in foster care, as well as a significant amount of the prison population, is FASD impacted. FASD can present as impulsivity, failure to understand cause and effect, significant emotional dysregulation, ASD type communication and social impairments and overall dysmaturity. Once we started treating it like the medical condition that it is, we gradually saw some improvement but our DC will struggle with some of these reasoning issues for life. So not only will you often encounter FASD as part of the foster care world, but the medical and therapy establishment constantly misdiagnoses it as attachment issues instead of a medical problem. This is not something you should visit upon your middle school age kids in the home.

These diagnoses are highly subjective, except when there is a family history.

Who cares? The point is the kids were nightmares.

Biological kids can be nightmares too.

[Anonymous]

Oh how smug you are. You are about 3-4 years away from teenage he!!. You have no idea what's in store. You don't need a troubled kid when that happens.

[Anonymous]

Not too old. And don’t let the harshly worded but mostly good advice in some earlier posts deter you. We fostered six kids over five years while our birth kids were tweens and teens. Five of our foster kids reunified with lots of love and hard work on their families’ part and ours. Fostering did demand flexibility and compassion from our birth kids, but it’s made them better people, tbh. Fostering is hard no matter what, but each of our kids are treasures and we were lucky to parent them until they could go home.

[Anonymous]

Could you get a pet, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not too old. And don’t let the harshly worded but mostly good advice in some earlier posts deter you. We fostered six kids over five years while our birth kids were tweens and teens. Five of our foster kids reunified with lots of love and hard work on their families’ part and ours. Fostering did demand flexibility and compassion from our birth kids, but it’s made them better people, tbh. Fostering is hard no matter what, but each of our kids are treasures and we were lucky to parent them until they could go home.

But your situation is different. OP want to foster with the intention to adopt. Not same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 48 and we have 2 kids (10 and 12). I really thought we were done but I'm really interested in expanding our family. I'd love to give a home to a kid who needs one, and ideally one between 3 and 9 where they can still really 'grow up' in the family. Am I too old to think about this?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not too old. And don’t let the harshly worded but mostly good advice in some earlier posts deter you. We fostered six kids over five years while our birth kids were tweens and teens. Five of our foster kids reunified with lots of love and hard work on their families’ part and ours. Fostering did demand flexibility and compassion from our birth kids, but it’s made them better people, tbh. Fostering is hard no matter what, but each of our kids are treasures and we were lucky to parent them until they could go home.

Have your bio kids given you objective feedback about what they felt then and feel now?

[Anonymous]

I hate the stigmatization of the traumatized children in this thread, but I would second the idea that fostering a child is quite different in many ways from raising your birth children (I am a foster mother who ended up adopting; the child we adopted came to us at age 8 and I was 41 1/2 when she was born)

Also, 2/3 of foster children either return to their custodial parents or to extended family.

Fostering is amazing, but you definitely need to make sure your kids are on board, your spouse is on board, and educate yourself before you invest more mental energy in this. Your county or city will have fostering classes, but even before you do that, check out reddit/r/fosterparents, read books (I liked Til the End of June and Three Little Words), and if you can, talk to local foster parents who also have biokids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but be prepared for lots of issues and needing to foster before adopting.

LOTS OF ISSUES. A 3 year old is beyond critical brain development that would enable her/him to GOM secure attachments- if they were neglected - many foster kids were at minimum neglected emotionally. In the case of abuse the issues will be much worse depending on the type and severity of abuse. Some say younger kids are not impacted but this is a load of bull - their brains are neuroplastic AND there is still permanent damage from the abuse. Just be prepared. Under age 2 is ideal to adopt - infancy is the best.