Is 48 too old for foster to adopt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 48 and we have 2 kids (10 and 12). I really thought we were done but I'm really interested in expanding our family. I'd love to give a home to a kid who needs one, and ideally one between 3 and 9 where they can still really 'grow up' in the family. Am I too old to think about this?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Please don’t do this to your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

[Anonymous]

"Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again."

PP here. I said "several of the kids". I meant *all* of the kids did at least one of the things I listed.

[Anonymous]

My fostered to adopt an infant for her third and her daughter has a chromosomal issue that commonly results in heart issues. Actually adopting was a mistake because the state no longer covers her medical bills. It's been quite difficult financially and she and her husband separated for a bit.

[Anonymous]

I have also found, as a parent of an older child via adoption, that professionals are far too quick to diagnose kids with having attachment disorder or conduct disorder when the real problem is prenatal alcohol exposure and all the issues that raises. I have heard FASD experts opine that over 50% of kids in foster care, as well as a significant amount of the prison population, is FASD impacted. FASD can present as impulsivity, failure to understand cause and effect, significant emotional dysregulation, ASD type communication and social impairments and overall dysmaturity. Once we started treating it like the medical condition that it is, we gradually saw some improvement but our DC will struggle with some of these reasoning issues for life. So not only will you often encounter FASD as part of the foster care world, but the medical and therapy establishment constantly misdiagnoses it as attachment issues instead of a medical problem. This is not something you should visit upon your middle school age kids in the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have also found, as a parent of an older child via adoption, that professionals are far too quick to diagnose kids with having attachment disorder or conduct disorder when the real problem is prenatal alcohol exposure and all the issues that raises. I have heard FASD experts opine that over 50% of kids in foster care, as well as a significant amount of the prison population, is FASD impacted. FASD can present as impulsivity, failure to understand cause and effect, significant emotional dysregulation, ASD type communication and social impairments and overall dysmaturity. Once we started treating it like the medical condition that it is, we gradually saw some improvement but our DC will struggle with some of these reasoning issues for life. So not only will you often encounter FASD as part of the foster care world, but the medical and therapy establishment constantly misdiagnoses it as attachment issues instead of a medical problem. This is not something you should visit upon your middle school age kids in the home.

These diagnoses are highly subjective, except when there is a family history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

This is 100% accurate to my experience.
-signed, father of a 15-year old who is in boarding school, who we adopted when they were 4

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds like a very bad idea driven only by your own selfish desire to have another child.

1. Middle school is a terrible developmental time to bring in an older child.
2. There is no perfect or even stable older child sitting in foster care waiting for you. There will be medical, emotional , behavioral and learning disabilities.
3. As you are older and the child you may adopt may (likely) have problems that reduce or eliminate their ability to become independent adults, are you OK saddling your biological children with their care?
4. Are you prepared for an adopted child who may later present severe behavioral issues? Violence? Drugs? School failure or refusal? What would you do? Send the kid back? Subject your family to danger?
5. Savior syndrome is a real thing and bad for everyone

If you want to help or save foster kids then instead why not volunteer or donate to programs that help homeless and addicted foster kids who have just left the system? This cohort is basically dumped on the street when they hit 18. Programs that provide housing, medical and psychiatric help, addiction recovery and education remediation are often underfunded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

NP here. You are way too dismissive of the health issues that are mental heath that arise from being adopted. Just because a baby doesn’t have FAS or isn’t exposed to drugs in the womb or comes from relatively “healthy” bio parents does not mean that newborn is a clean slate or considered “healthy”. There is real trauma from being adopted and some of that trauma doesn’t develop until years down the road. Your examples are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

NP here. You are way too dismissive of the health issues that are mental heath that arise from being adopted. Just because a baby doesn’t have FAS or isn’t exposed to drugs in the womb or comes from relatively “healthy” bio parents does not mean that newborn is a clean slate or considered “healthy”. There is real trauma from being adopted and some of that trauma doesn’t develop until years down the road. Your examples are ridiculous.

You're the same poster, not a new poster. And now you've moved the goal posts. I was addressing the claim about "genetics, drug/alchohol exposure, and prenatal care". And the stupid claim that "Parents don't just die unexpectedly." Now you're saying nuh-uh, what about adoption trauma? Well yeah, there is such a thing, and I wasn't addressing that.

[Anonymous]

Just have another baby. Or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not too old, but my parents wanted to do this and I'm so glad they didn't. Why would you upend your kids' lives like this? You think you are just going to get a well adjusted kid who is so happy just to be in your family? These kids have major issues. Expect to be calling the police and going to the hospital on the regular.

My parents adopted a 7yo when I was 14 and my two siblings were a few years younger. Our family was also part of an adoption group in town. It is not an understatement to say calling the police happened in every single family.

All of these kids were in the 5-10 year old range when adopted and every one had attachment issues, which led to Conduct Disorder. Serious, dangerous issues not only to the family at home but to people outside the home in their orbit. Several of the kids set the house on fire, tried to strangle the parents, physically assaulted the siblings, pulled knives on siblings and parents, stole valuables from the home, neighbors and stores, repeatedly ran away until police found them and brought them home. Again and again.

There were serious mental and physical issues that meant endless appointments with counselors and medical professionals. On the surface, these kids looked and acted normal. But that just masked serious issues that all these well intentioned families were not prepared for. These families had resources, but still could not fix the problems just by being a stable place for these kids to land.

One of the families who had two older teens finally had to undue the adoption. I have no idea how that worked legally, but he was a successful business professional and she was a former professor and they feared the kids would kill them.

Another two families had their kids eventually land in the juvenile delinquent system and eventually ended up in prison. My sibling had to be sent away to a counseling type boarding school that was very expensive for 3 years. They ended up the only "successful" adult out of the 6 families. None of the other adoptees remained united with the families after 5 years.

My friend adopted two drug/alcohol affected newborns and her life has been a long list of special needs counselors and appointments. Tremendous behavior issues with lying and stealing from neighbors.

A family member adopted two kids, one older and one younger than her three natural kids. One came as an older teen from a "good" orphanage overseas. After some minor brushes with the law he later joined the military. The other is younger and it's now clear is "on the spectrum". There are a lot of appointments and medications and concern that they will be a special needs adult and always need support. I know this isn't unusual even for non-adoptive kids, but the point is it wasn't detectable at the time they adopted. I don't think she sees it, but I feel the kids in the middle are stressed out from the situation. They had to adapt to an older brother coming in and then leaving 3 years later, and now a younger sibling who is at best, testing their patience. I asked the youngest non-adoptive sibling where they wanted to live when they grew up, and their answer was "as far away as I can" from the youngest adopted kid.

I think people adopting older kids should go in with their eyes open to the expected problems. Both parents should be trained in some aspect of childhood education, psychology, or medical type of background. One parent needs to be available at all times and not have an outside job. And ideally, not have any other kids who could be affected negatively.

Adopting a healthy newborn or a well-adjusted child whose parents die unexpectedly seems to have the "best" outcomes in terms of a positive impact on the adoptee as well as the family. I'm grateful there are parents willing to take on the kids with issues, but don't go into it thinking a loving home will be enough.

There is no such thing as a healthy newborn as you don't know the genetics, drug/alcohol exposure, prenatal care and more. Parents don't just die unexpectedly.

Sure there are. I know of several cases. Parents who died in a car crash when they popped out for one hour, grandmother was watching the baby. Another case: daughter of a minister found herself in a family way, decided to place the child with one of the parishioners who could not have children. Many such cases. If you think people don't die unexpectedly from banal causes you have not been on earth very long.

NP here. You are way too dismissive of the health issues that are mental heath that arise from being adopted. Just because a baby doesn’t have FAS or isn’t exposed to drugs in the womb or comes from relatively “healthy” bio parents does not mean that newborn is a clean slate or considered “healthy”. There is real trauma from being adopted and some of that trauma doesn’t develop until years down the road. Your examples are ridiculous.

You're the same poster, not a new poster. And now you've moved the goal posts. I was addressing the claim about "genetics, drug/alchohol exposure, and prenatal care". And the stupid claim that "Parents don't just die unexpectedly." Now you're saying nuh-uh, what about adoption trauma? Well yeah, there is such a thing, and I wasn't addressing that.

No, I am a NP. You need to calm down.