Reply to How much does an elderly parent realize their words are hurtful?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My generally pleasant parent tells me about his friend whose kids do this or that for them, something that sounds unrealistic, like “she knows all the drs at X hospital and rushed her mom there to save her life when she had a mini stroke and these drs and everyone took such good care of her”. Or how this daughter is super high achieving and “never worked as a line worker, always as a manager” which is laughable but he believes it. 
If he hears about my kid having trouble getting up in the morning, he says something like “my other grandkid doesn’t have this problem, maybe it’s because his father makes sure he gets enough sleep”. He has no data point on how much sleep my kid gets. 
I am confused because I always thought of my dad as a nice guy. Now I am hearing all these remarks and I can’t tell if he is just clueless or if he is indeed passive aggressive and judgmental. 
I did tell him nicely that his friend was probably exaggerating and it’s not a good look to compare any two grandkids, but I want to know if he genuinely didn’t realize what he was as doing. [/quote]

If you found these statements “hurtful,” you have lived a very cushioned life.  [/quote]

I’ve thought about it and I think what hurts is that the statements are made by someone considered nice and who I thought liked me! [/quote]

I like my daughter but she gives my grandkids way too much sugar and too many ultra processed snacks.  I think that I would be a bit more artful in making a comment, but if I mentioned it, I wouldn't expect her to think that a) I wasn't a nice person and b) didn't like her.  People have different opinions.  A father and daughter should be able to discuss with "hurt."

Re: the neighbors... he is either trying to hint that he needs more help from you or he just admires these people and is effusive about it, and you are reading it as criticism.  So many people in this Forum just hate old people, so they leap to "mean."
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I don't think it's appropriate to criticize someone's parenting related to what kids eat or how they dress. Unless there are obvious health problems, we all eat some sugar/snacks sometimes and nobody cares! I always hated my mom commenting on how I dress since I was a teen -- she's overweight and was projecting, so every clothing item had some problems, especially skinny pants or anything that showed some body shape! Who cares if a teen wears ripped pants or shoes that have laces that you don't have to lace... I have often wondered if parents/grandparents don't themselves realize how stupid they sound judging fashion trends. A lot of old folks make it their mission to only "communicate" through judging and negative comments. You can have your different opinions, but learn to keep them to yourself, nobody wants to listen to you literally not liking anything and being out-of-date with current trends! [/quote]

It's my daughter who struggles with weight and is now doing the same thing to her toddlers who is "out-of-date" with the damage that sugar causes.  Of course everyone eats treats.  That's not the issue.  All of you who say that grandparents should never comment on parenting sure like to comment on your own parents' lives, conduct, etc.  Hint: that's what family members do.  If I love my grandkids, I can say something, which she is free to ignore.[/quote]

I never understood and actually really dislike this view of "if I love someone, I'm free to critique them 24/7". Has your critiquing helped your daughter lose weight? Or maybe every time you talk about it (again) she goes and stress-eats a gallon of ice-cream? It's not up to you what your grandkids eat, you're not in charge -- your daughter is! Maybe look at your own parenting if your daughter has issues with her weight -- why didn't you teach her proper eating habits?![/quote]

DP. It’s not always possible to teach kids something. Sometimes they are dumb and insist on ruining their lives or they have mental issues or whatever. 
Still risky to comment on their choices because they can cut you out in no time. 
An average 30+ yo person doesn’t really need a parent in their lives, certainly not a criticizing one unless maybe they give money. 
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