So depressing - mid-life and death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP--I'm right there with you.

We try to do all the right things--do well in school, go to college, get a decent job, get married, get a house, have kids, and raise them to be good human beings.

But while we're busy making a life for ourselves and helping our kids, our moms' and dads' lives were quietly slipping away.

Well, those moms and dads we left at the house back then is where we find ourselves today. The kids are moving on. Our careers are winding down. The state of our parents--if they're even still around--is depressing. And, for us? We get to hear about yet another health concern from our doctor at every annual check up.

I'll offer this, OP. I'm a 57yo Black man. It's no secret that Black males in the U.S. have the lowest life expectancy of any major demographic group. I can't ignore that. But in the last few years, I kind of feel like I've figured out how to "slow life down" for me.

I pause-out of the blue--a lot. I just stop and really take in the moment. Doesn't even have to be anything special going on. I look at faces. I listen to voices.

When I eat, I try to really think about the taste of the food. Where it came from. I think about the plant or the animal. And I'm thankful for it.

I take more pictures of ordinary moments. It might be of me and the family eating sandwiches. The dogs sleeping together. DW reading. Or, the sky.

I say I love you. Often. And I try to get in more hugs.

I know. None of this is particularly genius. But these things have helped me be more present and to try to live with deeper intention. To take it all in--with an appreciation that I am here to witness it all. Helen Keller wrote a profound essay in 1933, "Three Days to See". I read it every couple of years to remind myself that while my time is indeed limited, I'm gonna try to "suck the marrow out of life" while I'm here.

Good luck, OP. You are not alone.

(BTW I believe the life expectancy for Native American men is the lowest and death rates the highest of any racial or ethnic group in the US).

There's a theory that time speeding up when you get older is that you've been around long enough that your experiences are familiar and your brain has long since done the work to embed them in memory. When you're young stuff is new and your brain takes more time to process and absorb it.
So seeking out new experiences can be one way to make it not go so fast, but also focusing very closely on the present moment instead of letting it drift past can also do that.

At 71 I do find it is less frequent for me to be hit with that terror of death experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same age, OP, and I’m basically ready to die right now. Trump has ruined everything, and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I feel sad that I might not see any grandchildren, but at this point I’m so sad about our situation and do angry at Trump that I just would prefer to die.

I get it. It isn’t Trump himself, but the reaction of all his supporters. The celebration of cruelty and stupidity that they relish. It does make you despair of humanity.

DP and I understand. Trump, Trumpism, MAGA, Epstein files, fear of world war, economic uncertainty, division, AI's potential impact. The list goes on and on. Sometimes I'm glad I am older and won't be around much longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP--I'm right there with you.

We try to do all the right things--do well in school, go to college, get a decent job, get married, get a house, have kids, and raise them to be good human beings.

But while we're busy making a life for ourselves and helping our kids, our moms' and dads' lives were quietly slipping away.

Well, those moms and dads we left at the house back then is where we find ourselves today. The kids are moving on. Our careers are winding down. The state of our parents--if they're even still around--is depressing. And, for us? We get to hear about yet another health concern from our doctor at every annual check up.

I'll offer this, OP. I'm a 57yo Black man. It's no secret that Black males in the U.S. have the lowest life expectancy of any major demographic group. I can't ignore that. But in the last few years, I kind of feel like I've figured out how to "slow life down" for me.

I pause-out of the blue--a lot. I just stop and really take in the moment. Doesn't even have to be anything special going on. I look at faces. I listen to voices.

When I eat, I try to really think about the taste of the food. Where it came from. I think about the plant or the animal. And I'm thankful for it.

I take more pictures of ordinary moments. It might be of me and the family eating sandwiches. The dogs sleeping together. DW reading. Or, the sky.

I say I love you. Often. And I try to get in more hugs.

I know. None of this is particularly genius. But these things have helped me be more present and to try to live with deeper intention. To take it all in--with an appreciation that I am here to witness it all. Helen Keller wrote a profound essay in 1933, "Three Days to See". I read it every couple of years to remind myself that while my time is indeed limited, I'm gonna try to "suck the marrow out of life" while I'm here.

Good luck, OP. You are not alone.

Thank you for writing this. This is a much better way to conceive of “YOLO” than “take the trip, buy the shoes”. Instead of more consumption and distraction to cover up the angst, living each ordinary day with intention and attention.

[Anonymous]

Yes. We sit on our porch every morning and watch the birds while we drink our coffee. Trying to slow down and just enjoy regular life.

What makes me sad at the age of 61 is how jaded and cynical I have become and I don't know how to reverse that. I used to be very optimistic about life, to assume that most people are good people, that they can be trusted, that there is lots to discover, people to meet. We went through a harrowing spell of burying all of the oldest generation in the space of one year, people in nursing homes, cancer, people fighting over inheritances, DOGE layoffs, etc. and at the end of it I feel like my spark and genuine zest for life is just . . . gone. We are semi-retired and could easily afford to travel etc. but we just can't seem to motivate ourselves to do anything. We are realizing that burnout is a real thing. I just wonder how long it lasts and how to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this thread, which has now made me realize that I am not alone in feeling disoriented. My elderly parents are still bravely living their day to day lives, which I really appreciate and respect them. My kids are still happy and demanding, which I also appreciate, as they give me a sense of purpose and responsibility. I have become more cynical about people in light of my difficult year, particularly in terms of my marriage and work. Now I enjoy the simple things, such as the beautiful sunshine, the chirping birds, and the strangers that I said good morning to while running. I must accept that life is going downhill from here, but my parents show me the courage to journey on, and I must also show my kids how to live happily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We sit on our porch every morning and watch the birds while we drink our coffee. Trying to slow down and just enjoy regular life.

What makes me sad at the age of 61 is how jaded and cynical I have become and I don't know how to reverse that. I used to be very optimistic about life, to assume that most people are good people, that they can be trusted, that there is lots to discover, people to meet. We went through a harrowing spell of burying all of the oldest generation in the space of one year, people in nursing homes, cancer, people fighting over inheritances, DOGE layoffs, etc. and at the end of it I feel like my spark and genuine zest for life is just . . . gone. We are semi-retired and could easily afford to travel etc. but we just can't seem to motivate ourselves to do anything. We are realizing that burnout is a real thing. I just wonder how long it lasts and how to get over it.

Yes, burnout, grieving, adapting to changes and transitions are all very real — and can be exhausting. For me, it helps to have something to look forward to — even small things, and new small challenges. Several years ago I started taking music lessons. I gained a new community, and a structure that gave me new things to focus on, master, and enjoy. Is there anything like that that might suit you?

[Anonymous]

at 59 I was/am feeling much the same way.
I started HRT, and felt so much better. However, I have to stop that now, because I had stage 1 breast cancer, hormone-receptor positive. It wasn't caused by the HRT, though, and i recommend any woman close to menopause talk to their doctor about HRT. If you're wondering how I know the breast cancer wasn't caused by the HRT... the spot was visible on a mammogram a full year before i started the HRT. I just didn't have it biopsied until a few months after starting the HRT. So, unfortunately, i only got a few months of HRT. While I can't take progesterone or estrogen anymore, I'm considering a small dose of testosterone.
Even the low dose I was taking of estrogen and progesterone helped so much with my mood and sleep. Doesn't take care of our administration's evil shenanigans, but gave me energy to do my part in life.