Resenting Mom Years After Cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're very young and unable to understand what was going on in your parents' marriage. If someone cheats, it may well be a cry for help. It's not easy for a SAHM to leave and start her own life, especially after having raised children for many years. You're looking at everything too black and white. When men cheat, it's different, they have jobs and can set up a new living situation tomorrow. For a SAHM this is often not an option and unless she wants to lose access to kids, she's stuck. Which is why young women are advised to have careers: if you have your own money, you have your independence.

It’s not like she couldn’t just ask for help and if she wanted to leave, I am pretty sure the courts would have ordered my dad to support her. Sounds like a bunch of crap excuses for hurting the people who love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never considered my life “destroyed” by my parents divorce. I have a good relationship with both parents, I had a great support system of friends and coaches all through school, I went to a great college and had a great career. And now I have a great family of my own.

My mom made a dumb choice, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person or a bad mom. My dad is difficult to be married to, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or a bad dad.

This is an excellent and resilient way to look at this. Is this your personality or sis you do a lot of therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never considered my life “destroyed” by my parents divorce. I have a good relationship with both parents, I had a great support system of friends and coaches all through school, I went to a great college and had a great career. And now I have a great family of my own.

My mom made a dumb choice, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person or a bad mom. My dad is difficult to be married to, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or a bad dad.

Did your mom cheat on your dad? Reason does make a big difference.

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced when I was 11. My mom got remarried a few months later. Even as a kid I was smart enough to put two and two together. I saw a therapist as a young adult and worked through my resentment.

Yes, having an affair is always wrong. But also, there were issues within the marriage that were none of my business. Holding onto bitterness and resentment wasn't serving any purpose. I wasn't going to throw away a relationship with my mom because she made a bad decision. She and my stepdad have been happily married for 35 years. Perhaps I would feel differently if she threw away her marriage on a fling.

My stepbrothers were in high school when their dad married my mom. They have never forgiven them. One of them has been estranged for over ten years and the other only sees his dad a few times a year despite living 15 minutes away.

Your feelings are valid. No one else can tell you what to do. You just have to make a decision you can live with.

[Anonymous]

You cannot just ask for help and think everything is roses. As I say, you're young. Once you're in a relationship with someone for 20+ years and beaten down, things look different. Nobody cheats because they're in a happy, fulfilling marriage. If your mom was normal before (as in had no obvious mental issues that lead to irresponsible choices), then your dad is no angel. Most marriages are unhappy. There are a lot of women who would leave, if they had enough money. Sure, you can resent, but you also have to understand that your mom is her own person and her life is not just you and your dad. Mom's needs often come last. The fact that she cheated with your brother's coach shows how small her social circle had become. I say this as someone who has never cheated, but I'm absolutely going to be out once kids are done with high school, I've had enough of putting everyone else's needs and wants before mine for 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never considered my life “destroyed” by my parents divorce. I have a good relationship with both parents, I had a great support system of friends and coaches all through school, I went to a great college and had a great career. And now I have a great family of my own.

My mom made a dumb choice, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person or a bad mom. My dad is difficult to be married to, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or a bad dad.

I think if your dad was a great person, husband and dad, and your mom still cheated on him, you may have felt differently about your mom.

But, when someone cheats, the child feels like you betrayed the other parent. That's hard to get over.

My FIL cheated on my MIL, and two of the kids never really forgave him. The eldest child caught him, and she hated him until he died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot just ask for help and think everything is roses. As I say, you're young. Once you're in a relationship with someone for 20+ years and beaten down, things look different. Nobody cheats because they're in a happy, fulfilling marriage. If your mom was normal before (as in had no obvious mental issues that lead to irresponsible choices), then your dad is no angel. Most marriages are unhappy. There are a lot of women who would leave, if they had enough money. Sure, you can resent, but you also have to understand that your mom is her own person and her life is not just you and your dad. Mom's needs often come last. The fact that she cheated with your brother's coach shows how small her social circle had become. I say this as someone who has never cheated, but I'm absolutely going to be out once kids are done with high school, I've had enough of putting everyone else's needs and wants before mine for 25 years.

My dad is not perfect, but there was no question that he loved her and would have done almost anything to make her happy.

One night I overheard them talking about it a few years ago. She said she was tired of being with kids all the time and resented my dad for working. It started around 10 years of marriage. She liked the attention the coach showed her, it made her feel young and exciting.

I am sure life gets monotonous, in fact I am positive that if my dad didn’t have to support a large family he would have quit his job and started a new career. None of that makes cheating an answer, if you are unhappy and don’t want to work on the marriage then divorce is the choice.

I just have to say that reading some of these responses gives me little hope for a fulfilling life.

[Anonymous]

It is okay to not forgive cheaters, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot just ask for help and think everything is roses. As I say, you're young. Once you're in a relationship with someone for 20+ years and beaten down, things look different. Nobody cheats because they're in a happy, fulfilling marriage. If your mom was normal before (as in had no obvious mental issues that lead to irresponsible choices), then your dad is no angel. Most marriages are unhappy. There are a lot of women who would leave, if they had enough money. Sure, you can resent, but you also have to understand that your mom is her own person and her life is not just you and your dad. Mom's needs often come last. The fact that she cheated with your brother's coach shows how small her social circle had become. I say this as someone who has never cheated, but I'm absolutely going to be out once kids are done with high school, I've had enough of putting everyone else's needs and wants before mine for 25 years.

My dad is not perfect, but there was no question that he loved her and would have done almost anything to make her happy.

One night I overheard them talking about it a few years ago. She said she was tired of being with kids all the time and resented my dad for working. It started around 10 years of marriage. She liked the attention the coach showed her, it made her feel young and exciting.

I am sure life gets monotonous, in fact I am positive that if my dad didn’t have to support a large family he would have quit his job and started a new career. None of that makes cheating an answer, if you are unhappy and don’t want to work on the marriage then divorce is the choice.

I just have to say that reading some of these responses gives me little hope for a fulfilling life.

And that's exactly how it is. You think your dad would have done almost anything, but obviously the attention was lacking. It's difficult for you as a child to judge what kind of relationship your parents had intimately. Staying at home with kids IS boring for anyone with 2 braincells to rub together. What's worse, it's not something you're done with in 2-3 years, it takes decades. Seems that all the childcare was on your mom's shoulders and she resented that 10 years in. I'm sure she would have loved to work outside of home, it gives fulfillment and has financial benefits. Even you complain that you were asked to watch your brother at 13 (at which age many babysit), but there's no mention that your dad could have done that! Also, you blame your mom for not starting a divorce, your dad could have moved out as he was the one with a salary each month, meaning he could have easily rented a place for himself. Looks like in your mom's case her cheating was a result of her feeling worthless and unnoticeable. This is not something you can "work on" as it takes decades to get there.

[Anonymous]

And wanted to add: don't think for a second that your dad had "no clue". Usually in such marriages the bedroom has been dead for a while. Also, the man in relationships like this doesn't want to move out as he has no idea how to run a household or the kids' schedules, he's gone all the time "supporting the large family". He likes coming home to food, nice house, and kids who are taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot just ask for help and think everything is roses. As I say, you're young. Once you're in a relationship with someone for 20+ years and beaten down, things look different. Nobody cheats because they're in a happy, fulfilling marriage. If your mom was normal before (as in had no obvious mental issues that lead to irresponsible choices), then your dad is no angel. Most marriages are unhappy. There are a lot of women who would leave, if they had enough money. Sure, you can resent, but you also have to understand that your mom is her own person and her life is not just you and your dad. Mom's needs often come last. The fact that she cheated with your brother's coach shows how small her social circle had become. I say this as someone who has never cheated, but I'm absolutely going to be out once kids are done with high school, I've had enough of putting everyone else's needs and wants before mine for 25 years.

My dad is not perfect, but there was no question that he loved her and would have done almost anything to make her happy.

One night I overheard them talking about it a few years ago. She said she was tired of being with kids all the time and resented my dad for working. It started around 10 years of marriage. She liked the attention the coach showed her, it made her feel young and exciting.

I am sure life gets monotonous, in fact I am positive that if my dad didn’t have to support a large family he would have quit his job and started a new career. None of that makes cheating an answer, if you are unhappy and don’t want to work on the marriage then divorce is the choice.

I just have to say that reading some of these responses gives me little hope for a fulfilling life.

And that's exactly how it is. You think your dad would have done almost anything, but obviously the attention was lacking. It's difficult for you as a child to judge what kind of relationship your parents had intimately. Staying at home with kids IS boring for anyone with 2 braincells to rub together. What's worse, it's not something you're done with in 2-3 years, it takes decades. Seems that all the childcare was on your mom's shoulders and she resented that 10 years in. I'm sure she would have loved to work outside of home, it gives fulfillment and has financial benefits. Even you complain that you were asked to watch your brother at 13 (at which age many babysit), but there's no mention that your dad could have done that! Also, you blame your mom for not starting a divorce, your dad could have moved out as he was the one with a salary each month, meaning he could have easily rented a place for himself. Looks like in your mom's case her cheating was a result of her feeling worthless and unnoticeable. This is not something you can "work on" as it takes decades to get there.

He couldn’t take care of us when she cheated, he was at work.

None of what you said is a case for cheating, but it is a case for her being worthless. My dad never did anything for himself, it was all for us. He has a real case to feel worthless, unappreciated and unnoticeable, none of us did anything for him. I fly home tomorrow for Thanksgiving, how do I let him know how thankful I am for him? What can I do to let him know I appreciate him and see his sacrifices? This is such a crappy situation, I hate her so much right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And wanted to add: don't think for a second that your dad had "no clue". Usually in such marriages the bedroom has been dead for a while. Also, the man in relationships like this doesn't want to move out as he has no idea how to run a household or the kids' schedules, he's gone all the time "supporting the large family". He likes coming home to food, nice house, and kids who are taken care of.

You seem to think this is his fault. I can’t see any of your justifications as valid reasons he is to blame.