Resenting Mom Years After Cheating

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want to repair it and have a relationship with a pos like that? I could not forget that. It’s selfish and she ruined your family for her own desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

So you suggest I just make excuses for her behavior and pretend it doesn’t impact me? Divorce is a sign of a bad marriage and I would have been hurt, but not angry at either of them. The cheating wasn’t on a work trip, she would leave me to babysit my siblings when she would betray the family with a guy who knew us all. She stayed home to raise us and my dad worked to pay for our life. She wanted to escape us and even though she didn’t choose to leave, she did abandon us. It feels unforgivable to me.

Personally, I wouldn't give it a second thought, OP. She did something wrong. OK. But from there to never forgive her, wow. It would never cross my mind to think in such extreme terms. It's your father's job to forgive or not to forgive. Not yours. It might be more understandable if you could not forgive YOUR spouse for cheating on YOU. But a parent? This is not normal. You are not a stand-in for your father.

I think you need therapy for your aberrant thought patterns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Exactly my point of view. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. There's the entire rest of the berg underwater that you can't see and that might tell a completely different story.

I don't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Exactly my point of view. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. There's the entire rest of the berg underwater that you can't see and that might tell a completely different story.

I don't judge.

And in some cases, like some of the PPs, the rest of the ice bergs include the cheating parent using the children to cheat such as during play dates or abandoning them home to sneak out. Everyone's experience is different so let others feel what they are feeling.

On my case, my dad had an affair with a relative of my mom. And he used to dance with her in our presence. I even made a comment to him on the dancing once as an elementary aged child telling him my mom wouldn't like that. He laughed it off. It was too " out in the open" for me to believe my instincts that he was sleeping with her, so i lied to myself that it was just silly behavior since my dad was very plauful. When the affair came out, I lost respect for my father. He died when I was about 40, and that respect never came back. I loved him and was not angry, but I never ever counted on him after that news broke out. He was sad about the limitation in our relationship and brought it up several times. I did not bother with a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Exactly my point of view. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. There's the entire rest of the berg underwater that you can't see and that might tell a completely different story.

I don't judge.

And in some cases, like some of the PPs, the rest of the ice bergs include the cheating parent using the children to cheat such as during play dates or abandoning them home to sneak out. Everyone's experience is different so let others feel what they are feeling.

On my case, my dad had an affair with a relative of my mom. And he used to dance with her in our presence. I even made a comment to him on the dancing once as an elementary aged child telling him my mom wouldn't like that. He laughed it off. It was too " out in the open" for me to believe my instincts that he was sleeping with her, so i lied to myself that it was just silly behavior since my dad was very plauful. When the affair came out, I lost respect for my father. He died when I was about 40, and that respect never came back. I loved him and was not angry, but I never ever counted on him after that news broke out. He was sad about the limitation in our relationship and brought it up several times. I did not bother with a conversation.

A very far cry from what the OP is expressing, isn't it? You had a reasonable reaction and continued to have a relationship. OP is being way too extreme.

[Anonymous]

You're nuts. Stop being so enmeshed, distance yourself and let them deal with their issues. Your parents are flawed human beings, not perfect angels meant to be put on a pedestal then hated for evermore if they fall off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you tell her how you feel? At least get it off your chest.

But then what is the mom supposed to do with this information? Some of you all think initiating "this is why I don't like you" conversations are a sign of love and bring people closer together once the other party realized how terrible they are, but it doesn't work that way. The other person will retreat.

[Anonymous]

You're definitely not alone, OP.

My mother cheated when I was a teen. It was long distance and involved an extreme amount of deception.

She is a narcissist. I tried to forgive, but I never forgot. Our relationship has never recovered. And that's fine with me. Her behavior revealed her to be deceptive. That never changed. She didn't care about my father's feelings or her vows. It was a symptom of a larger issue.

I would never tell others how they should feel. But if you're considering cheating, consider also that your children may never respect you again. Especially if it becomes known and you bring public shame on the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Exactly my point of view. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. There's the entire rest of the berg underwater that you can't see and that might tell a completely different story.

I don't judge.

Not true, we all judge, you just choose not judge cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're nuts. Stop being so enmeshed, distance yourself and let them deal with their issues. Your parents are flawed human beings, not perfect angels meant to be put on a pedestal then hated for evermore if they fall off.

I could be nuts or maybe I am sane because I view cheaters as people to avoid rather than keep close. We all have flaws, but I view affairs as more than a mistake, it is a deeper issue of character. I don’t want her dead, but I don’t want her around me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

24

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're definitely not alone, OP.

My mother cheated when I was a teen. It was long distance and involved an extreme amount of deception.

She is a narcissist. I tried to forgive, but I never forgot. Our relationship has never recovered. And that's fine with me. Her behavior revealed her to be deceptive. That never changed. She didn't care about my father's feelings or her vows. It was a symptom of a larger issue.

I would never tell others how they should feel. But if you're considering cheating, consider also that your children may never respect you again. Especially if it becomes known and you bring public shame on the family.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My dad had an affair that led to the dissolution of my parents marriage. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned there was so much that happened behind closed doors. I am now closer with my dad than I am with my mom.

Exactly my point of view. The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. There's the entire rest of the berg underwater that you can't see and that might tell a completely different story.

I don't judge.

And in some cases, like some of the PPs, the rest of the ice bergs include the cheating parent using the children to cheat such as during play dates or abandoning them home to sneak out. Everyone's experience is different so let others feel what they are feeling.

On my case, my dad had an affair with a relative of my mom. And he used to dance with her in our presence. I even made a comment to him on the dancing once as an elementary aged child telling him my mom wouldn't like that. He laughed it off. It was too " out in the open" for me to believe my instincts that he was sleeping with her, so i lied to myself that it was just silly behavior since my dad was very plauful. When the affair came out, I lost respect for my father. He died when I was about 40, and that respect never came back. I loved him and was not angry, but I never ever counted on him after that news broke out. He was sad about the limitation in our relationship and brought it up several times. I did not bother with a conversation.

A very far cry from what the OP is expressing, isn't it? You had a reasonable reaction and continued to have a relationship. OP is being way too extreme.

Not that different, travel sports coach and I was her babysitter when she went to the gym. Also, sneaking off at practices, so similar in some ways.