Resenting Mom Years After Cheating

[Anonymous]

Has anyone been able to have a good relationship with their mom after her cheating? My mom cheated with my younger brother’s coach and I can’t forgive what she did to our family years later. My brother blames himself and my dad has been great, but I still hate her. If you have repaired your relationship with your cheating parent, how did you get past it?

[Anonymous]

Did your mom and dad divorce? My mom cheated, but I just learned of it recently - many years later. It’s a stab in the heart feeling, especially if you have an awesome father.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get past my dad's affair.

He took me to a playdate once and got invited in for coffee by the single mom and suddenly they were locking the door to the bedroom and running back and forth to the bathroom in the mom's pink robe while my little friend and I were like what is even happening.

After my mom left (he said he'd never let her have us and she believed him) I was also the only girl left and he kept telling me I was the "new woman of the house" and had to help take care of my younger brothers. He got increasingly very weird and inappropriate with me as I got older. I spent years being upstairs if he was downstairs and downstairs if he was upstairs, and if I felt like he was starting to follow me around in the house, I just left the house and went running. Or something.

But nope. Never got over it. Messed me up quite deeply in terms of human relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your mom and dad divorce? My mom cheated, but I just learned of it recently - many years later. It’s a stab in the heart feeling, especially if you have an awesome father.

My dad stayed for us sleeping on the couch and remaining civil, until recently when he has filed. My siblings are still at home, but the pain of living like he was finally took its toll. I love and respect him so much, he deserves better than what he got. It is hard accepting the family is over and my emotions are getting the better of me rn. Sorry for your situation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't get past my dad's affair.

He took me to a playdate once and got invited in for coffee by the single mom and suddenly they were locking the door to the bedroom and running back and forth to the bathroom in the mom's pink robe while my little friend and I were like what is even happening.

After my mom left (he said he'd never let her have us and she believed him) I was also the only girl left and he kept telling me I was the "new woman of the house" and had to help take care of my younger brothers. He got increasingly very weird and inappropriate with me as I got older. I spent years being upstairs if he was downstairs and downstairs if he was upstairs, and if I felt like he was starting to follow me around in the house, I just left the house and went running. Or something.

But nope. Never got over it. Messed me up quite deeply in terms of human relationships.

Sorry to hear it, wish I had something to make it better. He sounds like a real ahole.

[Anonymous]

Don’t concern yourself with the choices others make. You’re not equipped to… Especially your adult parents.

Both of my own parents made terrible choices - life & marriage wise.

Not my burden to carry. I’m Just a product of their choices and absolutely have lived a diff life then them.

Also, maybe consider some therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry your brother blames himself. That’s completely not his fault.

Your mom cheated because there was either something wrong with her or something wrong with the marriage. If she had expressed remorse for how she went about things (instead of, say, just divorcing), and you want a relationship with her, you have to try to forgive her. It helps to think about her less as your mother and more as a separate-from-you middle-aged woman.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you tell her how you feel? At least get it off your chest.

[Anonymous]

I never considered my life “destroyed” by my parents divorce. I have a good relationship with both parents, I had a great support system of friends and coaches all through school, I went to a great college and had a great career. And now I have a great family of my own.

My mom made a dumb choice, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person or a bad mom. My dad is difficult to be married to, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or a bad dad.

[Anonymous]

You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

So you suggest I just make excuses for her behavior and pretend it doesn’t impact me? Divorce is a sign of a bad marriage and I would have been hurt, but not angry at either of them. The cheating wasn’t on a work trip, she would leave me to babysit my siblings when she would betray the family with a guy who knew us all. She stayed home to raise us and my dad worked to pay for our life. She wanted to escape us and even though she didn’t choose to leave, she did abandon us. It feels unforgivable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never considered my life “destroyed” by my parents divorce. I have a good relationship with both parents, I had a great support system of friends and coaches all through school, I went to a great college and had a great career. And now I have a great family of my own.

My mom made a dumb choice, but it doesn’t make her a horrible person or a bad mom. My dad is difficult to be married to, but it doesn’t make him a horrible person or a bad dad.

My life is not destroyed, but my family is and I am having a hard time seeing her as a good person or mother. Right and wrong are not situational and this was not a moment of drunken stupidity. I wish she is the person she pretends to be, but she isn’t.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that I do or don’t forgive them it’s just everyone they are crazy, selfish, etc it’s easier for me to not take it personally and to know they are just an f’d up person.

Cheating isn’t just one act. It’s a symptom of a greater problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

How old are you?

So you suggest I just make excuses for her behavior and pretend it doesn’t impact me? Divorce is a sign of a bad marriage and I would have been hurt, but not angry at either of them. The cheating wasn’t on a work trip, she would leave me to babysit my siblings when she would betray the family with a guy who knew us all. She stayed home to raise us and my dad worked to pay for our life. She wanted to escape us and even though she didn’t choose to leave, she did abandon us. It feels unforgivable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to get over yourself, OP.

Adultery by itself is an unethical choice if the cheated-on spouse decides it is, and if it affects the children. It gets worse if there's additional abusive, or violent, behavior; if there's financial stress due to the dissolution of the marriage; serial cheating behavior, etc.

But honestly, sometimes the cheating is a consequences of a failed marriage and both partners are at fault anyway. Sometimes you can't just divorce and remarry.

So I personally do not judge others for one-off cheating. I don't know what went on behind closed doors in their marriage. I certainly would not fault either my father or my mother if it turned out they had cheated. They're still together, and they've been through tough times. A little straying, in my mind, does not erase a lifetime of shared history.

How old are you?
How old are you?

So you suggest I just make excuses for her behavior and pretend it doesn’t impact me? Divorce is a sign of a bad marriage and I would have been hurt, but not angry at either of them. The cheating wasn’t on a work trip, she would leave me to babysit my siblings when she would betray the family with a guy who knew us all. She stayed home to raise us and my dad worked to pay for our life. She wanted to escape us and even though she didn’t choose to leave, she did abandon us. It feels unforgivable to me.